SpanWolf
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I'm on the other side of the world on business when I got a notification from my security system. I checked it and ended up catching an unfiltered multi-hour bitch fest about me. I feel so unbelievably violated, I trusted my roommate as a friend for quite a few years. Much of what was said by my ex to the roommate was either heavily embellished or flat out lies. They both mocked symptoms of a medical condition I have, presenting them as personality flaws, reinforced so many of my deepest darkest emotional fears, and then my ex took the only remaining pictures I had of our entire almost 5 year relationship off the wall, removed them from their frames, tore them up and threw them away.
The roommate has had no end of complaints about my ex since the breakup and has been very vocal about how much he dislikes him and can't wait for him to be out of both of our lives, so this about face has completely thrown me for a loop and cut right through me. And to think of how many times I've defended the roommate's quirks and eccentricities when my ex bitched about him, this is the thanks I get? Do I confront the roommate or pretend like I saw nothing? How do I live with someone that I don't feel respects me without at least trying to hash some of this out?
Front page edit: Since it keeps getting mentioned again and again and again, both the roommate and my ex know about the cameras. None of the cameras are hidden, and they are all right out in the open. My ex actually set up the first version of the security system, I just recently replaced a couple of cameras and told them both about it when I did. They both just happened to sit right in front of one to have their conversation about me.
stevekemerer
I'm sure you are angelic and did nothing wrong, ever, and this is all just ugly people spouting nonsense and lies.......
littlecoatfatguy
I mean how can you possibly NOT be finished with that roommate as soon as possible? Your only real win here is to move on to the next phase of your life ASAP, and be glad this saved you from wasting any more time on toxic people.
RoulettesPlay
Move out. Cut that shit out of your life like you would cancer. You don't need two-faced people emotionally manipulating you because of their own need to be liked/loved. That's their insecurity, not yours. You'll make new relationships. Burn these.
lindabelchersfirstcousin
Both of them would gladly sell your soul to Satan for a bag of chips. Clean your house of the snakes @op
industrylife
Get the fuck out. You’re better off.
AlonzoMoselyFBI
It must be disheartening to hear unfiltered opinions about you. People can be judgemental. Be the bigger person. Make your moves deliberately and move on. I recommend not mentioning any of this to either of them.
wtfylat
Bit rich to feel violated after eavesdropping on a private conversation via your 'security system'
SpanWolf
They both knew about the security system, my ex actually set up an earlier version of it, and they both sat in front of a completely out in the open camera that had been shown to them already. I would have never known anything if the system hadn't been triggered, and I checked the notification. But I guess that's eavesdropping...
LXDees
I don't think they imagined you'd be literally spying on them with it and not using it for what you told them it was really for. You're all the guilty party here tbh.
taurondir
Was once given a phone recorded (pre Android) convo about me by a mate that said "I dont care if they know I did it" and I later just calmly said "I heard what you two said about me", watched their faces and walked off. Never spoke/saw one of them again, and ignore the other one when I see them (we still live in same 10km). I want people to have "some level of predictability", so when they break that rule, I cant trust them not to break more rules.
BuckysGambit
Depending upon where you’re at it could be illegal if you live in a “two party consent” state. I’d refrain from mentioning it until you know for sure.
SpanWolf
They both knew 100% about the entire security system and what it does.
BuckysGambit
Great! Just didn’t want to see you catch any trouble with the law on top of the betrayals.
whysomuchdoghair
Why the heck are you letting your ex still come around? Why do you still even have pictures up. You say toxic but clearly if you still letting them around....
SpanWolf
It's a long story, and I don't want my ex around. The pictures I was eventually take down and store them because they are the only pictures I have left of our entire relationship, and I wanted the keepsakes.
ImPerfectlyHappyWithTheDroolingDolts
Looks like you're all awful. You spy on people, and the roommate and ex gossip and insult you. Yikes. The only person you can change in this situation is yourself.
witheredspoon
I wouldn't mention the security system. Its time to start thinking about changing living situations. Clearly you can't trust what your roommate says. Confronting them won't change anything.
bezobzira
This. This type of people will spin it like they are the victim, and actually believe it themselves. Look ahead, sorry you have to. It will feel like you miss them, but they either no longer are that person, or never were.
KuldFyt
Hard agree. It's valid if you feel the need to get this out in the open, but doing so may result in retaliation/escalation. Get yourself into a safe living situation *first*.
Feralkyn
They already knew lmao. Just idiots, apparently
datester35
Why does it matter if your roommate bitches about you? It doesn't change the way they interact with you or your living situation.
bamblebimble
The roommate let the ex destroy photos and picture frames, and by bitching like that they have proven they don't actually care and will lie about anything and everything. How can you live with someone without trusting them even a little bit.
datester35
Even if you don't trust them, most interactions aren't changed. They're not stealing from you.
Sabertron14
I would suggest talking to them after moving out. Closure is important and it doesnt always mean the other side has to change their mind. Just letting out what you need to say rather than keeping it bottled bottled in can help people move on.
Snark42
To add to that. Likely best not to do it in a confrontational way where you're expecting answers or an excuse from them. Just explain how you stumbled upon the footage, how it made you feel and why that would be difficult to overcome within the setting of still living together. At the very least, having some separation from that 'friend' will be ideal. You can also link them to this post if you feel like.
MightyMile
Meh. Everyone is different. It’s important to remember who OP us dealing with. Wanting closure and obtaining a sense of it are two different things. The roommate and/or ex may use OP’s attempt to get the violation off their chest to further erode the situation. I’ve known ppl who manipulate/weaponize things I say or we discuss against me so the only way to “win” is to not talk to them period. Someone needs to move out ASAP. Then you can go through the stages of grief and move on.
bound4doom
I dunno, I agree not telling about the security system but when you get home I would ask what happened to the pictures. Maybe the roommate was just going along hoping the ex would just leave. Not wanting to be confrontational also maybe feeling unsafe. If the roommate tells you honestly what happened. I wouldn't fault them.
2graves
If they say before confronted maybe
whysomuchdoghair
I was thinking this too. An ex willing to act like that? I'd wonder if the roommate is going along because they are scared. Especially since why T F is the ex of 5 years still just....coming around.
MathewLindberg
People are two faced, they often take whoever’s side is in front of them to avoid conflict and keep both friends. They probably don’t care that much about either side.
ArgleTharbleGarb
OR, your roommate was telling your ex what they wanted to hear, to get them to open up and spill more crap. I was once in the position of your roommate and I played my role well. I then saved it up and gave it to the person in your position when they needed it the most. Just another take. They could also just be a backstabbing, lying, piece of crap. That's where your own discernment comes in.
Mandarinduckmama
Well, now you know. I believe actually having proof and being informed of what's really going on is better than feeling it intuitionally and being gaslight when you say something about their general meanness to you. "I was just joking," that kind of thing. Now you have to find another place with people who won't hurt you. You have to make your inner child safe or you will build walls and lose your self esteem. Get up, dust off, and find people who will love you.
speakfriendandenterr
This right here^ I’ve split with exes and friends who have said not-so-great parting things to me and I’ve taken them to heart. It’s so hard not to when it’s coming from someone who knows your emotional soft spots.
EndofDaisies
It’s an oldie, but it’s still gold, kids: Someone who will badmouth other people to you will badmouth you to other people.
RoyalWithChz
@op i know it hurts, but I think you should take such unfiltered conversations with a grain of salt. When people are venting, they can often be more harsh then they really mean. Still, I understand why it would hurt.
Mandarinduckmama
And then there are the shit talkers, who do nothing but grumble about people. The tearing up of the pictures felt the most brutal to me. If you give such little shit about me, don't be in my house. Gtfo.
RoyalWithChz
Medical condition***** not mental illness
RoyalWithChz
I was mostly talking about your friend, not your ex. Recently, my friend asked about my sister and I being really frustrated with her, vented really harshly to him. Unfortunately, my phone chose that particular time to pick dial her and she heard it all in a voice message. Although there was some truth in my venting, it was much harsher than I really meant. Maybe your friend gets frustrated with your mental illness (which is kinda normal) and he was just venting. I’d still think he’s your friend
Echonomyx
Move out. Move on.
UnicornsToxicRainbowFart
Ask the roommate when you get home what happened to the pictures. Should be insightful. Then, after you are no longer roommates, share the video with them, and drop the mic
Brockvegas
Walk away. It’s done. You saw what you saw and they can’t unspeak what was said. Move on. Sorry 😞
cardinal29
Being a "Fly on the wall" is actually my deepest fear/desire. While I am SO curious to hear what some people *really* think of me, I am also terrified to find out the truth. What if they hate me for no reason? What if there's some innocent thing I've done that they can't stand? And how delicate is my ego?
SpanWolf
I feel you very much. I wish I'd never seen all this, but at the same time I don't know if I'd prefer to remain ignorant to the awful thoughts people had about me.
namtrohs
Don't bring up seeing their discussion. There will be enough to bring up when you get home about the pictures being missing. You can use that as your leverage for getting rid of the roommate. They'll likely play it off like they were trying to do you a favor by taking them down, but you know the truth. Just stick to your guns, get rid of the roommate. Save the footage in case of any legal BS they might try, but don't bring it up.
Idonotkillpeoplethatismyleastfavoritethingtodo
I've had friends like this. Broke up with them after 10 years when I realised how much shit they talked. Took at good hard look at myself too and realised I vent way too much about people too and I need to stop talking shit as well, although I've never thought about it as talking shit, more like venting grievances I didn't want to bring up face to face. Lesson learned. Trying to be a better person AND to avoid people like that in the future. I wish you good luck OP. It sucks.
Navrodel
So... Your Ex bitched to you about your roommate. You bitched to your roommate about your ex. Your Ex and your Roommate bitched to each other about you... You seem like the only one that liked anyone in this mess, and your roommate just pissed over that... Sounds like none of you want anything to do with each other and you should find a way to bail as soon as fiscally possible.
CarlBassett
Impossible to know without knowing the people and knowing exactly what was said but some people are just non confrontational and if the ex says something bad they'll agree just to go along with it.
Jordan7831
Looks like the security system paid for itself.
Mmbear
Looks like the security system doubled as a fitness system since they got to dump all that dead weight.
fbutt09
WaterUnderTheRocketAppliances
Sounds like it became an insecurity system
Jordan7831
Lol I was going to make that joke too but sounded too me to op
StayClassyImgurV2
too me to op
MrOne2
stevekemerer
Yeah, I'm sure OP is so perfect, never done anyone wrong, needs to come here to say this stuff to strangers.....
c64masterrace
Found the roommate
TheNamesAshHousewares
Now to solve for ex...
DiggingInVein
They try to be supportive, and I'm sorry you got wrecked, but you're not wrong. People should handle their shit like adults. Not over here in the court of public opinion. That cry comes to us strangers because people in the know wouldn't buy it.
atomicleela
You didn’t tell your roommate you were installing cameras?
CarlBassett
People are strange around cameras. I've seen so many documentaries where people, including senior business people, say things in front of a camera, sometimes actually TO the camera, that are absolutely appalling and incriminating.
Feralkyn
I've scratched my ass or walked naked right in front of our uploads-directly-to-cloud security cam and then looked at it in horror as I remembered its existence...
SpanWolf
Knew from the jump, full disclosure, and they are completely out in the open.
atomicleela
That’s even worse then
PutItInNeutral
DO NOT EVER MENTION THIS RECORDING TO THEM!!! You were not a party to the conversation and you may run afoul of wiretapping laws!
DaqCity
Did they know they recorded conversation though?? Most security cameras don’t, and that’s a big difference
SpanWolf
Yes, my ex set up the previous iteration of this same system, I just replaced a couple cameras and told them about them.
Sabertron14
They both sound toxic and two faced. I think you're better off getting a new place first, secure your shit, then maybe confronting the two asshats. It may not change anything because the trust is already gone but I would think it's best to try and get some kind of closure by talking to them rather than keeping what you know to yourself. I wouldn't expect tearful apologies, maybe even some doubling down on their shittyness but at least is out in the open and you can move on.
stevekemerer
I laugh any time someone says "toxic", you gonna throw out narcissist next, how about gaslighting for the trifecta?
Lexgeddon
You know some people actually do know what those words mean, right?
Mandarinduckmama
Perfect advice. I completely agree with all of this.
Sabertron14
Thank you :)
DaqCity
kinda feels like recording their conversation without them knowing is on you for not liking what you hear. Are you surprised someone you recently broke up with is talking shit? And sometimes you need to vent about the people you live or work with when they’re not around, doesn’t mean you hate them or don’t respect them…..and does your roommate know you can listen to everything they say with the security system???
ElvisCatStello
Exactly this...
datphone777365
missing the plot, the ex talking shit is given but its weird af that they in the house after break up AND talking shit with someone they talked shit about and that very person talking shit about op. the whole recording bit is null, ppl have found out via voice mails not meant for them.
SpanWolf
Not to get into the details of the whole comment, but I'll answer the important part. Yes, they knew 100% about the entire security system.
LostCaterpillar
Did they 100% know that you would use it to spy on their private conversations?
Hexogen
Exactly, they knew about a security system, not about a "my private interactions in this private space will be recorded and viewed without my consent" system. Im gonna be honest here mate, if I knew I had a security system and my roommate watched recordings of my private conversations, I'd feel incredibly violated. I'd trust you to use a security system for security, not for spying on me, the same way I don't check my roommates visited websites, even tho I could on my router.
LXDees
The irony is incredibly thick. Op thinks they're "violated" when they spied on their ex under false terms.
datphone777365
yes op clearly planned this and knew exactly when and where the shit talking would happen, that cunning master mind. wait no that sounds stupid.
LostCaterpillar
OP logged into the system, saw that the home was safe and not intruded upon, then chose to spy upon their roommate and ex. Unless they specially talked to their roommate and ex in advance about the fact that they planned to spy upon their private conversations *and got consent* this is a big invasion of privacy.
LostCaterpillar
Seconded. Based solely on the post here - roommate just sounds like they might be just go along to get along with the ex and/or venting a little. Doesn't mean they hate you or can't be trusted in itself.
datphone777365
lol why would they help someone who dislikes then vent? short of ulterior motives. when someone shows ya two faced behavior ya dont give it a 2nd chance.
LostCaterpillar
But they're not showing two-faced behavior. They're having a private conversation that OP is spying upon. There's nothing in their post to suggest the roommate acting against them. Harsh truth here: Everyone you care about has things they don't like about you, same as you do them. Sometimes they even talk about them behind your back.
datphone777365
lol someone you consider a friend shit talking behind your back is two faced. harsh truth: not everyone shit talks about others to their exa and those that do while acting like your friends arent worth shit. maybe its hard for people like you to refrain from such behavior but i dont shit talk friends to others i address those issues with the person they involve and i demand the same or cut off any needless interactions. grade school was a long time ago for some.
datphone777365
the whole treating a medical condition as a "character flaw" also shows the quality of both the ex and roommate character.
beAbetterperson7
For me with the security, once you saw it wasnt burglars, should have just deleted it. I mean now you know, and cane make informed choices. But if you try and use their conversation against them, you open an equally big target on yourself for how you know. Weigh that into your decision, may still be worth it but only you can decide that.
DeeDoubleYu
I think this is the right take, may as well use that information as best you can, but in future probably best to leave private conversations private. It's not uncommon to have a bitch and moan, especially if you live with someone. No one is meant to hear it.
Pervaroo
Plus most states require at least one party consent for recording a conversation. If the conversation isn't evidence of a crime, and the person recording it wasn't participating, the legal situation gets pretty iffy. Roommates and their guests have a certain level of privacy to be respected, even in the presence of a security system.
GTAlex74
Technically, there is evidence of a crime, as the ex destroyed OP's property and roommate made himself complicit of the whole thing by doing nothing about it.
Mandarinduckmama
How are nanny cams allowed then?
Pervaroo
It depends on the state, but at least a dozen require explicit consent for audio recordings in advance. Making it part of the nanny contract would be all that's needed. It's a different relationship than a roommate. I don't know if landlords/roommates can force renters/roommates agree to 24/7 audio and video surveillance and have that apply to all their guests as well.
Mandarinduckmama
Makes sense. Might also be why nanny cams don't seem to have audio, from what I can tell.
beAbetterperson7
And most wont know they are being illegally recorded unless its made known. It would likely only be made known if they were then breaking a law and hurting a kid or stealing, so moral indignation goes out the window.
ladybuglauren
He's not trying to charge them with a crime. He can absolutely be like, I fucking heard you.
beAbetterperson7
He could be in trouble legal for recording without consent. Some states draw the line at audio. Video is fine but recording conversations is a no go.
imgurmage
Sounds like it's time to find a new roommate. I'd talk to the roommate about the conversation they had and how you overheard it. Tell them you'll finish out the lease or whatever but after that you are leaving/they need to find a new place to live (I don't know the details of your arrangement). Really shitty situation to be in, but if what you said is true I wouldn't trust them anymore.
RottedOnion
Maybe leave out that you overheard anything until closer to move out time, but make sure they know why before they're gone.
aducksayswhat
I doubt there's anything to gain by mentioning it, if anything they could get more upset about privacy.
ElAburrimientoMePuede
Agree, and I don't know if it is legal to record a roommate without consent, why setup a recording system for security and not let your roommate know is beyond me.
SpanWolf
They both knew, and the camera was right there in the open.
Itslukus
Honestly, I'd just sit him and down and show him the part of them mocking your medical condition, tell him thanks for finally showing his true colors and kindly ask him to start looking for a new spot that you'll be leaving. As for her, well I don't talk to or concerns myself with someone I've cut out my life for a reason, put it in the category of slander and be done with her.
ElAburrimientoMePuede
Then confronting your roommate should be easy and then act on what he has to say.
LupusLilium
'Privacy', yet apparently invites the disliked ex over to bitch about their roommate, both of them mocking medical problems, and allows them to destroy property? In terms of privacy being breached, I'd say OP is the most aggrieved here.
limbernoodle
Wait a second, YOU feel violated? That’s messed up. You don’t get a free pass because you caught this unintentionally. Clearly they had expectations of privacy.
datphone777365
lol roomate knew of the cams being a thing. fuck the roomate and the ex being such is a given.
LXDees
Knew the cams were there for security, not spying like some kinda psycho.
datphone777365
spying implies active action and intent, so unless op somehow knew exactly when and what a convo would be about ya whole narrative is dumb. like psycho dumb.
SpanWolf
Don't get a free pass for checking a security alert on my phone and seeing something I didn't want to regarding two people that were 100% aware of the security system and actually knew how it was set up and functioned?
DaveDreamsOfDumplings
Did you stop watching when you realized there was no security issue? If not, you violated their expectation of privacy. I doubt when you set up the cameras you said 'and I'm going to listen in on you whenever you talk about me'.
Emrys12
As long as he told them it's fair play. It's no different than accidentally hearing them when they didnt expect you to be there.
LXDees
Massive doubt about them knowing they were essentially being stalked with the system.
Shaows
Rig a TV in that room so you can turn it on remotely and play the video clip if they do it again.
Beefkins
MightyMile
Holy Black Mirror Batman!
SleepyKitten
pharmie01
Cry me a River style