NotTodayMF
20789
744
28
Jul 7, 2026 10:57 PM
NotTodayMF
20789
744
28
dogfromthehills
Yeah if you possibly can, you need a therapist.
idiotsonfire
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. You have to take care of yourself, even though its hard.
CuileannDhu
I'm sorry for your loss and that you're going through this. My mom's death sent me down a depression spiral. I tried to just keep soldiering on until I couldn't. I've been on meds for awhile and I'm sleeping better and functioning better. There is no shame in reaching out for help.
Shuu1
It will be months more before you can function. It's painful. It's been 8 years and I still randomly cry over him. I still miss him. Find your support (friends, family, counseling, memes, randos) to make it easier while waiting for time to pass. 7cups helped me just having someone to talk to at 3am (free version). Hang in there, it's gonna be a bumpy few months, but after this, you'll know you can get through anything.
3rdoption
He'd want you to get help and feel better.
NR97420
You need to talk to an actual expert, don't let it wait.... I've been there, and the result was permanently negative for not seeking help...
Leitzout2
Im so sorry!!!
Anarchduke
I know how you feel. my wife of 25 years died last september 2 weeks before our anniversary. it has been a long, shitty year.
DamnGoodBloodyGoodDamnGoodJob
I'm sorry you didn't have your anniversary. My wife of 33 years passed in January, in hospice, after 5 years with cancer. We at least had our anniversary, although it was in the hospital. Then it was short hospital stays through my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. She rallied amazingly in hospice for visits from friends and family and then went peacefully in her sleep soon after. I knew it was coming from the start, but I wasn't ready. It sucks but it's slowly hurting less.
TheSmellOfWineAndCheapPerfume
Big hugs. I have no advice other than please do not let anyone tell you how to grieve.
KittensForDays
Damn. I am SO sorry. I have no words for you, but I will be thinking of you and hoping you find some peace soon. Much love from Alabama
Problemwoodchuck
Sorry for your loss. I hope things improve for you
Bundalicious
I used to think counseling was for the weak, until I became overcome with grief. I went, I talked. The sense of relief after I walked out the door is indescribable. Im sure it saved my life.
kraeftig
Seek grief counseling, they have lots of experience helping people process. If you're religious, many churches will have ones they know of.
Leitzout2
Hard to imagine life without my wife, even though she has been looking for working since October, she is our Rock.
smoldix42069
Condolences
Jace99
You need to re-enter the world slowly. Look for a book club or knitting or cycling or whatever interests you have. Preferably with people you don’t know. Just be there. Listen to people. Eventually you’ll find yourself laughing at a joke or a story. You’ll feel the weight lift a little at a time. It’ll never fully go away but you will be present again.
yellowgage
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Give yourself credit for doing the best you can despite the pain. I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need help and reaching out.
I've never experienced something so devastating, but when I've struggled with things, it always helped to connect with others who understood.
I do think you should talk to a doctor and therapist. But if you can't afford or aren't ready for that, please try out a grief group online, like widowsconnection.org
conklin5
When the future you planned on gets yanked out from under you, I think it would be weird if you weren't feeling all fucked up.
jlist
Very sorry for your loss @op. May I suggest you reach out to people on reddit? Perhaps https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/ ? I am currently helping care for my mother in law who has dementia and Reddit is a very helpful place to get advice and share stories.
ToffeeFae
I'm terribly sorry. Everyone heals at their own pace, but try not to do any irreparable harm. Stay safe, and good luck.
DVSBSTrD
@OP
xj4low
The Daria one was touching, knowing how stoic she was on the exterior.
CookieRunner20XD6
My Dad was in a bad way when my Mom died - he was in a funk for a while. He came out of it and I know you will too. Until then, lean on your support system. DO NOT feel like you're burdensome to anyone whilst doing so. Everyone wants to help, but each individuals process will be different. Talk to someone though!
I'll listen as some random stranger on the internet if you just need to vent or want to talk. Disclaimer I am not a professional
xj4low
The best description I have heard is that losing someone close is getting wounded. Over time, it will heal and leave a scar. The scar will always be there, but over time, it fades. You will carry that scar for the rest of your life.
ICountFrom0
I was in a bad way after she died. I think I might have forgotten to eat if my friends haddn't made sure I had food. I understand, and if you want to talk, my messages are open for you.
Kate316
Losing a spouse is basically losing half of who you are, its gone. Now you have to remake yourself while mourning them and the us you were.
Kate316
I know what you're going through. Mine died 20+ years ago and it took a long time to heal from that & learn how to live being just me again
maythegorknmorkbewithyou
It's okay to not be okay, and to need help. I can say that counseling is tough because the pain remains - but you need to have someone to talk to. Something to let the poison out. If you do not feel like you are getting the empathetic response you need, then you might need to do different counseling. Like others have said, medication isn't forever. I've been on two rounds of antidepressants over the years. They helped for a time, and then I moved on. Your husband would not want you to suffer.
marquettegoldeneagles
Took me awhile to find my therapist but worth the search. Dont give up!
slimvictor
This book helped me deal with the death of my family members. It honestly saved me. https://www.amazon.com/Still-Here-Embracing-Aging-Changing/dp/1573228710
slimvictor
also available on Internet Archive so Amazon doesn't get your moola. https://ia601702.us.archive.org/23/items/america-is-a-fraud/Dass,%20Ram%20-%20Still%20Here%20(%20-%20libgen.li.pdf
Deadredmaniac
I dont think anything said on the internet would help. Would you care for any music recommendations?
marquettegoldeneagles
Thats a lovely idea! That would have been very helpful for me I think.
Deadredmaniac
I feel like in order to give someone music. I would need to know their taste or preference because if for example, you dont enjoy screamo. Then I would not recommend that lol
marquettegoldeneagles
I do not like screamo lol. I like green day though, blink, panic etc.
Deadredmaniac
Punk music is great. Can I assume you have listed to Green Days American Idiot Album and Blinks Album #9? Off the top of my head (since I am at work) 3 Doors Down Away from the sun Album makes me feel all sorts of ways.
marquettegoldeneagles
We should be friends! Love thatt All Ti.e Low is really good too have you ever heard of them? Marianas Trench is pretty good too.
I saw Green Day luve and it was fantastic! I love American Idiot but 21st Century Breakdown is my favorite
Hoblum
My buddy lost their spouse last year. They ended up on a low dose depression med and saw a therapist about once a month too. If you are in the US and have medical insurance I would recommend something along those lines. https://www.psychologytoday.com is a place to look for therapists. I hope you also have friends or family you can be around and talk to. When going through a lot of grief, it's nice to have someone who just wants you around.
NotTodayMF
I lost my Healthcare after he passed. Ive been trying to find full time employment.
shanasphone350
Findhelp.org. this works for where you are
marquettegoldeneagles
Check your local hospitals. I know the children's hospital is. MKE offered me FREE therapy sessions when my nephew died. It could be really helpful.
Hoblum
Some therapists have a sliding scale for payment. I saw one that charged me $80 per session, I know that is still quite a bit, but it was doable for me at the time. If you are looking for a professional to talk to, there are still options without healthcare insurance.
NotTodayMF
Thank you.
mayoradamwest12
Please seek counseling for grief. It’s different for everyone
Rubyrose99
This 20000%. Therapy is the first, biggest, and most important step. Your post title is a literal cry for help. Please find a counselor!!
ZaphodBbx
OP's own comment from last Oct.: "Please seek grief counseling, it hits everyone differently. It hit me hard 6 months after I lost my Dad."
NotSomoneElse68
Don't do anything major for a year.. I know that from experience. I've heard you mourn one month for every year together - but that's kind of trite.. You won't be the same, you have to learn to build the next pay of your life. I'm sorry sorry that you have to go through this, but you can get through.
NotTodayMF
What hurts the most is how his family has been treating me. They turned his funeral into a circus. I didn't even get to lay my Love to rest in peace. It was a complete embarrassment and disgrace.
MosquitoHawker
@OP I can’t apologize for the circus but on behalf of at least me: I’m sorry. I don’t have anything to add. I’m just sorry.
ricbri695
Unfortunately, it seems like every death brings out some ugly stuff in people. Seen it in too many families
triptolemus510
when my mother died, she was more or less broke, with maybe $2k in the bank and living off social security. my sister got hold of her debit card and somehow got her PIN and emptied her account. I found out when I went to take care of loose ends. 15 years ago. I disowned her. Family can be u g l y.
Affray
It's always surprising how little some people are willing to be sneak thieves about. Morality is worth less than two grand to her.
NotTodayMF
The day I found him his sister took his wallet, and jewelry while I was completely out of my mind with grief and disbelief. If it weren't for the Sheriff Deputies she would have taken all of his electronic devices. They made her empty her bags and recovered everything then ordered her to leave or be arrested. She was literally robbing me while her brother's body was still in the house
triptolemus510
That's awful, what a terrible person. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Hang in there, one day at a time. Try to be good to yourself. Your husband would want it that way.
NotTodayMF
I have gone to counseling, at this point I'm getting pushed to use medication.
uplookdont
If you feel you are being pushed see someone else and keep swapping out therapists till you find someone who communicates with you in a way tha makes you feel heard and comfortable
GeorgeCostabaplaps
Medication doesn't mean forever. It means being balanced neurochemically so that you can process the emotions psychologically with therapy, because feeling the emotions too much is a legitimate thing.
charliethewizard
Exactly, sometimes it just needs to be a bridge. @op ask your provider what the goals are of the medications and goalposts for titration of them.
DiracsDelta
I’m not telling you what choice to make. But I will offer a perspective. If you break your leg, you wear a cast, and addition the physical therapy. If you don’t see medication like a cast, I would recommend spending some time thinking about why you think it’s different.
d3jake
Medication isn't a morally repugnant thing, at least it shouldn't be. It may be a bridge to being able to manage your symptoms.
W0lfsbl00d
This will likely get downvoted but it really helps/ed me. If youre worried about meds, are you able to get aerobic (jogging, biking, swimming) or anaerobic exercise (sprints, weightlifting) in? It won't fix the problems, but it can help deal. Once your body acclimates to moderate-intense exercises they can really help with mood, sleep and appetite. I know the motivation may not be there but if you can force yourself to do it, it will start to help over time.
NoDadSo
I see no reason for a downvote in your post. You specified that it is something that helps *you*, this is not required to to so for others (at their current state).
It is scientifically proven, that physical exercises cause the body to release Endorphins. Endorphins are neurotransmitters—chemical messengers in the brain—that help regulate emotions and pain perception.
So you did good with your advice.
Personal experience taught me, that it's not always possible to get yourself to do it, sadly.
xj4low
Depression like this can alter the chemicals in your brain. The medication is to correct that imbalance. It won't numb the pain. It will help you cope day to day. You don't need to see the path through the storm. You just need to see where you can take the next step and take it. Over time, you will get through the storm. The pain of loss will always persist, but over time, it becomes more bearable.
dirtmarker
If your body doesn't make the happy chemical right now that's ok. Store bought is fine.
Cats2cats
Perhaps your doctor sees something you don’t. This level of depression needs a reset, giving your body time to heal. It cannot always be done without medication.
Idonotkillpeoplethatismyleastfavoritethingtodo
Hi! Counseling sounds really good. How do you feel about your counselor? Are you vibing with them? Do you feel heard and understood?
xeoxion
Go to a breaking room where you get it all out.
It’s ok to be angry/sad/fearful/alone/unsure your husband for dying, it doesn’t mean you didn’t love them it’s hormones and emotions.
Work thru the rage, grief, survivors guilt etc, let yourself get angry, work thru it. It doesn’t mean help as long as you just let it all out.
Bottling things up, pushing them down, trying to suppress happy moments so you do t feel loss is bad, it destroys you till you cant feel anything anymore.
Vorphalack
This is misguided. Breaking shit doesn't "get it out." That's not how the brain & emotions work. It only rehearses & reinforces anger.
IMPICKLERICK
Medication for grief and mental illnesses (depression) is the exact same thing as antibiotics for an infection.
Some things need medication to fix. If your doctors things medication will help, try it. Absolutely no shame
Perkunas687
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for about 15 years, finally listened to my doc when she recommended I just try antidepressants to see if it helps some. It did. Only been four months or so, but I do feel much better, better able to handle things (though I don't know if I'm acclimating to dosage, feel a little bit of the old stuff around the mental edges).
No shame about it. I needed the help.
Tarmaccian
Get the meds.
Take the meds.
Let the meds do their job.
They will not change you or change the grief you feel. They will temper your range.
Those crushing times when the dark cloud’s mouth will swallow you whole? The meds will keep you just outside the maw, and you can function.
You can function.
You will function.
You do function.
Then you will not need the meds.
You will still grieve, you will still feel sadness, and you will still be you. You’ll just be a you that can keep functioning.
Gerdalearnedme
Sage advice. Onions.
HeyHeyDoubleA
Succinct, and true!
Enter it in a poetry contest.
FattsoCattso
Yes to this