burninheaven
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May 25, 2016 3:36 PM
burninheaven
42845
2180
257
LadiesInboxMeYourInsecurities
#5 No he didn't. He wanted to force people to follow his plan and be "good" so everyone goes to heaven. At least that's the Christian belief
khele
Then you die and theres no hell or heaven. Just a beadred dude asking: how many foes have you slain in glorious battle to get into Valhalla?
unintelligentattractiveNedFlanders
I think I just became a Satanist. Hail Trump!
Rakkndon
Nice try satan, im still not buying it.
ExplainThisJoke
A ton of these work for Hitler, too
DarthDevil666
Thanks for showing people I'm a good guy
aurumarcana
"'The Devil made me do it.' I didn't make them do anything."
boevis
God doesn't exist. But it's ok, that means Lucifer doesn't either.
Mitheledh
#1 leaves out the bit about how he tries his hardest to make sure you end up there.
Nuttsy
Well, it can get really boring down there, I guess. At least at first. And at this point, it objectively looks like the better choice.
HelloYesThisIsSatan
Damn right I'm the good guy.
Trustydryingpan
cbjfan
Actually it's "sah-teen"
HolyHoudini
Upvote for username
Trustydryingpan
Thanks man!
skeletundra
Who downvoted you..? Anyways, you'reback up to 0 :P
SeniorBojangles
+1 for Devil went down to Georgia
Clifftax
I hear heaven doesn't have as good of heating for the winter.
Flyith2
I wanna go to Hell!
TheWonderfulWizardOfOs
You, good sir, can go to hell.
l33t1c4r1u5
Except theologically he is the one that tempts you into hell.
Vegapunk
"Tempts", not "forces". It's on us to accept or not, dude. He's just doing his job. Oh, look at me, playing Devil's advocate. ^_^
WeAllLiveInAUserSubmarine
I've always viewed Satan as representing Freedom, while God represents Order. The two are opposites but neither one is 'bad'.
thefucksnotgiven
That's one way to look at it.
Fronkling
Well at least in my faith, God represents both freedom and bondage while Satan represents bondage (not the sexual kind).
clawthewolf
IIRC the reason why Lucifer rebelled against god was because of his pride. He could not stand that apparently God loved humans more
misanthropicbob
Ambition: It is better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven.
TheVakarian
Anyone else find this a little cringy? Just me?
zombiefarmboy
Lucifer, in Christian lore, doesn't punish anyone in the afterlife. Jesus is in charge of that.
RufusTheAardvark
#13 - Provided knowledge without wisdom, because he knows comedy gold when he sees it.
Fiss
Yeah, it's all fun and games until you're standing in boiling baby feces for all eternity.
Ilikeitwhenyoucallmebigpapa
Don't remember that actually being part of hell. Pretty sure that's just part of Dante's fairy tale.
Fiss
Well, yes, but while we're going off of Vertigo's Lucifer we may as well have some fun.
Ilikeitwhenyoucallmebigpapa
Is that the comic that inspired the show?
Fiss
I've only seen the first pilot ep, so I can't say for 100% but no, I believe the comic has a dramatically different plot.
Ilikeitwhenyoucallmebigpapa
Did some research. It was based off of Vertigo's Lucifer. I enjoyed the show. I'd recommend it to anyone.
ThatQuietlySmirking
Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...
Its1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour
I tried to sing this at a karaoke bar once and I forgot that the last two minutes is just Mick Jagger screaming "What's my name?" Was drunk.
TheVillainYouLove
I've been around for a long, long year, stole many a man's soul and faith...
thefucksnotgiven
WHOO WHOO! WHOO WHOO! WHOO WHOO! WHOO WHOO! *Piano goes dun dun duna na nun nun*
Xathraphor
And I was 'round when Jesus Christ Had his moment of doubt and pain
MikePancake
Made damn sure the Pilate, washed his hands; and sealed his fate, pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name!
ThatSquirrelInTheCorner
But what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game.
DisUsernameAmsDildos
This book does a great take on Good Guy Lucifer - http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1312029735l/304687.jpg
snuffcarcass
I was just thinking of this book. Love me some Brust.
DisUsernameAmsDildos
I live in Minnesota and know the guy, but I read his books long before I met him.
snuffcarcass
Is he cool? I want him to be cool. Don't tell me if he's not cool. (Also, when's the next book out?)
snuffcarcass
Not that I expect you to know. Just streaming my consciousness.
DisUsernameAmsDildos
He's okay. He's a musician too, I get to hang with him at some music jams. I don't usually ask him when his stuff is coming out, though.
OverpaidSlacker
Shouldn't "Lucifur" be more hirsute?
GnomeAndGarden
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v735/LuciferSandman/Poison%20Elves/luse1.gif ?
buseyisgod
What's the source for the Lucifer's kill count of 10? I'm curious.
johnnyhasadhd
The 10 were actually gods fault.
LaughingWolf
The bible... You can count how many die in it as a result of Lucifer or God, although God's count would be a rough estimate.
THEszechuansauce
The bible. And those 10 deaths were only to appease god
buseyisgod
Ok, I did a search, looks like it's Job's 7 sons and 3 daughters - https://whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com/2011/04/27/murders-god-vs-satan/
InFin0819
Are those the daughters that raped their father to get pregnant or different ones
RaisinBranson
No, pretty sure those were Lot's daughters.
zeiss74
True.
astrogeek
TIL David Bowie is Lucifer
pinguhamster
The Vertigo comics character was actually modelled after Bowie, by request from Neil Gaiman.
RealScienceMan
This being a cover of one of those comics.
Keru
Actually, this cover is from Mike Careys "Lucifer" series, which is based on Neil Gaimans stuff, but yes, same lucy.
RealScienceMan
Touche yes it is
1stLtObvious
So you're saying they were...*under pressure*...to do it?
astrogeek
Hattip.gif
imightbeabearindisguise
God dammit, some of these are praise worthy!
DryDrunkImperor
Hail santa!
BryceTRex
CobaltPants
\[T]/
3vieTheEevee
\[T]/
letsgoriderkick
\[T]/
ThatSquirrelInTheCorner
\[T]/
Soolie
I praise every single day!
gordonweedman
MYAAH!
lurklurkingmclurk
I know this is a joke, but there's no Hell. The folklore of hell was made a priest during the Middle Ages stealing Greek mythology
TigerWalt
Agreed. Annihilationism FTW
Starkiller02
Do you just not count the bible or what?
mmmArdbeg
Or Hel from Norse mythology. Either way its a borrow.
stja
Everything in religion was made up by priests at some points.
bond100
Priesting (verb): A nice inside job with no heavy lifting.
VodkaReindeer
Plus they had their own closets in the UK.
whatintheflyingfuckshouldmyusernamebe
Persian mythology really. The Babylonians conquered Israel and oppressed the Jews. Then the Persians conquered the Jews and let them (1/2)
whatintheflyingfuckshouldmyusernamebe
practice their own religion again. Since the Persians were good guys, the Jews said hey lets combine some cultural stuff, including duality.
GnomeAndGarden
Actually goes back to Egyptian mythology.
lurklurkingmclurk
That's true, but the idea of hell in Christianity was derived from Greek mythology.
everythingisalieexceptthestuffthatisnt
And Norse
picturesarenice
Sauce? Legit curious.
lurklurkingmclurk
The Encyclopedia Americana (1956, Vol. XIV, p. 81) I'll look for other sources.
picturesarenice
Holy shit. Lol I'll see if I can find a copy of it
Solomon031
Shhhhhh. Let people enjoy things.
WhatTheHellAreYouTryingToTellMe
Bullshit. It's right here: http://imgur.com/dcdpfJ0
Mayhaveshatmyself
As somebody raised in detroit, you aren't wrong.
GaiusMariusTheGreat
☞(˚▽˚)☞
Mobileuserwholikestoberandom
I looked waaaay too long for the word "Hell".
InFin0819
Was expecting hell's kichten
ShadyDirewolf
Not the actual Hell, Michigan?
Chrichelle
Yeah, it's only like what, a 30 to 45 minute drive away?
beerbatteredkush
Well yea also no God or heaven
ILikedTheirOldStuffBetter
My man
1pixel
There's also no Zeus, Hades, or a three headed dog, but why must you tell anyone that they are wrong?
lurklurkingmclurk
As a Christian I have an issue when people force others to be good or they will suffer eternally.
1pixel
I see, I get what you are saying now. No further questions your honor.
blaChek
If I live a good moral life and I don't get into heaven because I didn't worship God every week in a building built 5 years ago, then I dont
blaChek
Want to hang out with that God
jackofalleves
but where do the sinner go then?
lurklurkingmclurk
For the living know that they will die, but the dead don't know anything... Eccl. 9:5
jackofalleves
huh.. thats a very secular approach to the topic of death
Lavatoryman
it got its name from a norse goddess, too
perfecteye18
Which?
TimDrakeTheTeenWonder
The goddess Hel, I believe, from Norse mythology was goddess of the underworld.
perfecteye18
Spot on man thanks
TheVampireDante
- and one of Loki's kids.
Masterplans
Hel lord of the underworld where everything is fucking cold as shit and there is a ship made of the deads toenails
perfecteye18
Spot on thanks
Masterplans
Well lordette or mistress I guess? It's a she atlesst
Whitefox789
Yup Hel is most commonly depicted as a she.
JTeenmining
Good on you for recognizing your mistake, and yes, mistress works
stja
Word "Lord" is often used regardless of gender.
inconspicuouselephant
Half of Christianity is based on Peagan lore as they needed to mingle the lore to convince people to convert.
lurklurkingmclurk
That is also true.
inconspicuouselephant
They used that trick on the Norse to get them to convert. Said their stories were the same but where Norse ended, Christianity began.
Hetuni
But... But where's THOR?
inconspicuouselephant
The story they put together was after Ragnarok, where all the gods die, the 2 survivors in the tree of life are actually Adam and Eve.
filthytank
I don't think Satan would celebrate if a sinner came down, he's being punished too right? Like he's a fallen angle who tried to 1/2
ButtsMcFarts
THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY IN THE BIBLE, IT'S FROM PARADISE LOST. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE but technically it is Lucifer, just not Satan iirc
politelydisagreeing
Yeah Satan and Lucifer are different characters that the catholics decided to make into one.
filthytank
Most of what we know about heaven and hell (at least from a theological standpoint) come from texts like paradise lost though, right?
rootwo
The truly depraved are his handiwork. Satan is like the ultimate example of Misery Loves Company
TwiztdFred
That's acute theory.
IMBAT
A fallen angle? I think you're being obtuse ;)
MasterGibly
Guys, I don't think we are approaching this joke from the right angle
THEszechuansauce
He was acute angle though right?
burknoe
Someone had to do it.
filthytank
Overthrow god and as punishment he's condemned to hell, not like hades, he doesn't live in a castle and rule over hell, hell is 2/3
filthytank
Prison and he's an inmate like every other soul, I could be wrong buy I'm pretty sure that how it works 3/3
Cipher3
There's a lot of stuff here where "That's not how it works," it only makes sense as a joke.
nottheAdmiralAhkbar
also didn't try to overthrow God, just refused to love humankind more than God as God ordered
Vespii
He was cast from the heavens for bringing knowledge to humans, he saw our true potential and wanted us to reach it. He hated god babying us.
Armored0Titan0
Depends on the mythos really.
HeeelllloooooooMurse
curious as to where you heard that from?
nottheAdmiralAhkbar
I'll never admit that I might be wrong or confusing my sources ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). In any case, they're equally fictional so...
Jarjarthejedi
Per the Bible, currently no. Satan is free and roaming the Earth atm. Only during Revelations is he locked up.
Nemothenubbed
He is referred to as the "price of the air" often in Scripture. The only actual definitive mention of hell is in Revelation when he and 1/?
Nemothenubbed
The anti Christ are thrown in along with his servants. There are several times Jesus stated that those who did not believe or 2/?
filthytank
Oh alright, what I know comes from texts like Dantes inferno or another one that directly talks about the war between heaven and hell
LordofDecay
Are you thinking if Paradise Lost by John Milton?
staplesthegreat
Earth is his prison, technically speaking.
IIBM
technically speaking there are lots of religious texts and not much reason to consider one more valid than the next so take your pick.
1stLtObvious
But this Earth isn't the same Earth he was imprisoned in. Everything's changing, just like the leaves change color. Even Jersey changes.