jonsnehr
301685
13838
297
me irl
weefaerie
maybe it's just me, but most of these weren't remotely funny. except the laminator. puns always get me.
cautiontape
I'm in group dms with some of these people, I love weird Twitter
majorlander
Lucky
ShakeDogResurrected
Okay. So 7/11 = 10/10 = 5/7 = 100%?
assbad
Black twitter > white twitter
ivdok
#1 But he keeps forgettin'. Mom's spaghetti.
Shane0
Some of these are pretty shit.
pugofstardock
Its Hans not Hanz ... Otherwise its funny
CthulhuSaidGoFuckYourself
THANK YOU! I took waaay to long to get that.
LordPyra
Walk in to 7/11 more like 5/7 great job everyone
ColonyOfBirchmen
{Sex();}
ImTheOneWhoTookYourRug
I'm going to an aviary...stat.
kaamila
After reading so much black twitter i can say that these are jokes for white people.
keyblader1985
I'm black and I like them.
nay410
I straight faced all of these 'jokes'
IrrelevantWeezard
I. Demand. MOAR.
DJcuddles
someone teach me how to upvote more that once! Laughed the entire time xD +3
cockur
these are awful
EnticingRobochov
#15 I would've kicked him out too, he got the lyrics wrong.
GrilledCheesePorfavor
Cop? I think you mean Drake.
thiakosia
TIL my car runs at 2,765 duckpower.
ProtegoPotatoes
10/10? More like 5/7
WhatsAHoya
zawyer
Gonna open a store called 5/7, open all week.
Vespasious
I rate this post a 7/11.
thetrueexcitementofalargesquirrelpredictingtheweather
I think it is more of a 5/7.
pingue
So... A week?
SGTMayham00
+1 For the Falcon
sunnytater1
New pigeon got me
Lohocla
The sad thing is that it took me longer than it should have to figure it out. :)
benjahfriendjah
It took me longer than I'd like to admit to get that one. But I got it!
KioWhat
Useless fact: inbox and outbox are terms that originate from the boxes carrier pigeons were kept in.
BruinsSuck
Only 1490's kids understand.
Ireallycantthinkofanythingbetterrightnow
Can anybody explain to my friend? He is not very good in speaking English
CataholicsAnonymous
It's like when someone gets a new phone and they didn't transfer their contacts from the old one, then get a text and don't know who it is.
AJILIVIZION
#9 - "..in the shower.. fully clothed & eating my soup." I would love to see that in a film or on tv.
raisethejollyroger
I read it as soap until i saw your comment and went back up
acookedgooseforeveryone
Infernal Fräulein
usernamesarenotmystrongpoint
Someone's getting called that before the weekend!
twothousandofsomething
Made me inhale sharply
PoliceMurderer
Like you were sniffling or something?
DatDudeMate
I didn't get the joke even though im german. Can someone explain pls
acookedgooseforeveryone
Hands and Hanz sound similar
ChocloMan
wow, it's a terrible joke
DatDudeMate
Oh, didnt think of that. ( its pronounced a bit different) ty man
acookedgooseforeveryone
Bitte schön!
DatDudeMate
Danke sehr!
swinglinered
Everybody look at your Hans.
Efreeti
Here in Norway we call the day Jesus was crucified "Longfriday". When you think about it that must have felt like a really long day for him.
attribuutio
We in Finland call it Long Friday too! As in Pitkäperjantai.
tragicscholar
In French it's Holy Friday (Vendredi saint).
Devante
Cops don't answer 911 calls.
lalaarawr
That one bugged me the most!
Lohocla
+1 for the 11 midget pit crew bed makers.
press1forenglish
I also picture them doing a little dance like on Wizard of Oz
WeAreScientists
At first I thought it meant fast moving, like a car...
Lohocla
well, did mean fast moving, just not the car.;)
MyDragonHeartedSpirit
Exactly; you do NOT want to be in the way once those midgets reach the bed.
Somanypinkelephants
It gets better the more you picture it. Most beds are over two feet tall, so they'll all need ladders and stools.
Lohocla
I know, I was thinking about this all morning laughing to myself about it. Thinking subbing dwarfs instead of midgets tho.
Lastshadow94
... How short do you think midgets are?
ChangedMyName
30 height
Lohocla
Let me guess, you're about 4'11.5569"?
Lastshadow94
Full 1.204857 feet short, I'm afraid.
Lohocla
haha, was hoping he who smelt it dealt it would apply..guess not :)
Somanypinkelephants
Its not about how short they are, its about how far they can (or can't) reach being that short. Imagine trying to make a bed at chest height
Lastshadow94
I feel like a typical midget is like 4 feet tall though.
Somanypinkelephants
Then, keeping with the pit crew theme, I imagine them removing the bed's legs in order to change the sheets faster.
SpaceOrks
TIL 400 horses = 7000 ducks.
pingue
So about a week?
AREyouKIDDINGmi
I'm waiting for the biological engineer to drop in and tell us what the actual conversion rate is... I hope I'm not the only one.
waffleo
= 5000 gay swans
gohn5
Yes that may all be true, but let's ask the honest question: would u rather fight a horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses??
littlegingerone
Which is about 30 speed
IAmJacksViagraInducedErection
What?
razteo
duckshooter
I cannot calculate how many horses I have shot.
SeriouslyEveryoneCanSearchWikipediaHereIsARealReference
I couldn't find duckpower, but I found this http://worldwideflood.com/ark/technology/animal_power.htm 400hp = 2400 donkeypower
BlitzerRhames
But how many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
ISarabi
I lied.
TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHome
what?
Thatavus
This whole thread is gold.. a golden egg if you will.
kever910
What is this in freedom power?
SpaceOrks
I can only say 1000 freedoms is 1 Liberty Prime.
Mybodyishardlyeverready
What
Tomnician
My wrx has 4620 ducks, who'd a thunk it
MrMcGeeIn3D
Unless you're in Germany. Then it's cowpower.
RoundThreeFIGHT
There's a prof at U of U that converts everything to "turkey power"
FizzleBurger
This is valuable information if you ever have to pick between fighting a horse-sized duck or 20 duck-sized horses.
CziltangBrone
Duck-sized horses would make you incredibly rich.
justactlikewedontknoweachother
but how many cats per donuts is that?
swinglinered
About half a Parsec.
MyDragonHeartedSpirit
π
TheLurkerWithAnAccount
But how many giraffes?
kraai
About tree fiddy
notmesome1else
30
MikeHawksDragon
How many Dragons, then?
HungryFishingMan
All of them.
Whystherumgone11
1/2
MyDragonHeartedSpirit
Can confirm.
DanielloGonzales
4 giraffes (common knowledge).
clln86
That's metric giraffes. It's 1.8 in standard.
BaldProfessor
Are those African or European ducks?
HungryFishingMan
African Ducks steal your bike.
CarBENbased
Nonsense, those ten bikes were legitimately purchased.
Mellorhatter
And are they laden or unladen?
harpoonyourboyfriend
I mean, they're pulling a car...
ImAnEngineerForTheMoney
I don't know!
BananaHammock69
I'm telling everyone my 35 year old truck still has 3,500 duck power. Better than your Civic!
FWAKADATHOOM
What
imonewiththeforceandtheforceiswithme
What
SacrificesForCthulhu
What
mrbadxampl
in
ChefDoYouEvenWhisk
the
billythebackbacon
The
anentirefootballteam
I am Karl, King of ducks
Halfton81
Exactly what I'm gonna say the next time I start my angry, gas guzzling piece of shit Mercury.
ThatOneTownie
HAIL KARL, KING OF DUCKS
stevecareII
whats the ratio of duckpower to horsepower?
ThickingQuink
7000 ducks = 400 horses (17.5 duckpower = 1 horsepower)
Kathmandu
I'm waiting for someone to come up with some y=mx+b shit here
Aranyszin
Who gives a duck?
turimbar
Allegedly 17.5 ducks per horse, but I feel that's too low. My calculations, (based mostly on mass), get me 596.1 ducks per horse.
Drpurrpurrpurr
Yeah, that'd be on lazy ass horse to only equal 17.5 ducks.
CharmingAndSexyGentlemanStarshipCaptain
So if I eat 17.5 ducks I can say I just ate a horse?
turimbar
Negative, you'd certainly have to eat 596.1 ducks.
Wibblywobblytime
You should actually Google their max takeoff weight to size ratio. More accurate number
turimbar
Of course there are much better ways to measure it, but mass is all I could get easily.
MMAgCh
African or European ducks?
Wibblywobblytime
Well European ducks have to flap their wings 43 times per second.
RideTheStimutacs
I find it weird that couples have arguments over putting the toilet seat down/up. Keep the seat AND the lid down so things don't fall in.
MoreDonutsPerDonut
And animals stay out too
mcj3ss
Plus, each party has to actively lift something in order to use it, which makes it a fair compromise.
comhood
Bureaucratic compromise*
bunnyrut
very simply: we keep the lid down so we both do equal work. plus the germs.
Theonewholaughsinappropriately
Yeah! And our cat drank water from the toilet...
PennyJaye
Keeping the lid on when flushing stops bacteria getting into the air and toothbrushes and stuff too!
toomucheffortformerightnow
My husband lifts it, I put it down, no problems.
mg79
Sounds like you have a Bonnie & Clyde thing going on.
freedomofnow
Having buried a lot of toilet paper rolls, I agree with this.
luminaraunduli
Im lucky enough to have a male that was raised properly. Never had an argument about it.
bethyboo
And to keep poo particles off your toothbrush
difficultdifficultlemondifficult
Ewww there's a thought that's going to fester.
delightfulpetrichor
So is your toothbrush.
dpidcoe
Mythbusters tested this. Poo particles are getting on your toothbrush no matter what. That stuff is literally everywhere.
gitarrenkoala
Well, that's a comforting thought
dpidcoe
Germs are everywhere! More news at 11!
thisisnttuna
I would call couples who divorce argue about that shit.
BonaFide
But my dog would die from dehydration.
The72ndRaven
Ahahahahahaha!
RideTheStimutacs
If only there were some water feeding system for animals.
pyrodice
There was, but you just put the lid down on it. You monster.
ChangedMyName
Right?! My used to drink out of our pool, biggest water bowl ever. Now she has a small fountain since we moved
dpidcoe
I think you accidentally a whole word there.
Gingerbread322
As a woman, I feel that if they have to lift it up to pee, we can put it down to pee. That's fair. Why make them do all of it?
hencethequeef
Because if you go to the bathroom in the dark half asleep, you might fall in and hurt yourself.
Gingerbread322
I can't pee in the dark. I HAVE to have the light on. I just can't do it in the dark. Lol.
hencethequeef
I moved into a place with a loud deathfan attached to the light and I quickly got over my fear of toilet spiders/snakes/alligators/monsters.
Gingerbread322
Haha that is great. I hate those damn vent light things. I'd likely leave it off too
dpidcoe
Just make both sides keep the lid down so everyone has to do something. Plus it marginally keeps aerosolized toilet water from spreading.
comhood
As a male: I kinda get it. We need it to sit down as well, you know, once in a while. which makes the average position: down...
Gingerbread322
That's a good point too. I appreciate when the seat is put back down, but I don't get upset when it stays up. Plus most of the time they 1/2
Gingerbread322
Don't even put it up to pee anyway. Lol 2/2
mrbadxampl
"now let's fly this piece of shit" - every captain ever, after they turn off the intercom, probably
ImostlyCommentNotPost
expanded the post to get context for this comment....worth it. +1 comment upvote for you.
superanth
"Let's light this candle!"
Nalianna
except malaysian airlines.
IDontSeeEnoughDarkTowerOnImgur
As a weather briefer, I would always do shit like this when putting pilots on hold, until one time I forgot to press hold.
thegelatoking
No probably
BSailor
Its like their equivalent to dropping the mic
Griffin97
I've never had that problem. Mine may look like a "piece of shit" but she did the Kessel Run in under 12 Parsecs
MatthewHydra
That's like 7000 ducks
NordfjellBerg
14?
Griffin97
TWELVE! Not fourteen...
lawrus
Probably adds nothing to the joke
thegelatoking
Exactly. Yet every dumbass does it
catinablender
I'm I the only one who gets a little butt hurt when the top comment is someone talking about the last picture of a post?
mrbadxampl
I don't always get top comment, but when I do it's from talking about the last picture of a post
hiig
Well, it certainly rings true for the A380. You'd be amazed at how often those things have issues
wertpenguin
Here of Moscow Privet Airport. Am amazed when plane is not having issues!
hiig
Deicing the wings with vodka doesn't help...
mrbadxampl
the ice is there to keep the vodka cold
wertpenguin
Is true.
LeftHandPanda
Things I didn't need to know.
AustinGT350
Friend's dad is a tech for United, I can't believe how often planes break.
Carnosaurus
They do, like everything else
SoraPonyBoyVersetti
Don't tell me this!
AustinGT350
There are so many redundancies in the systems they seldom all fail, it's just they get grounded until they are repaired.
holyshnikes
Currently delayed at IND. Now I'm gonna have the sillies when I finally board and the captain gets on the horn.
mt77932
http://imgur.com/gRA420r
mrbadxampl
my work here is done
holyshnikes
I'm not worthy!
SnookerSylph
Watcha doing in IND? I go to work across the runway at the FedEx tonight :P
holyshnikes
I was heading out to DC for New Years! I'm from Illinois lol
Docnic
DC!!!
lawrus
WELCOME TO MY FAIR CITY
holyshnikes
'ello!
RoyFuckingMustang
C-130 pilots say that out loud in front of everyone. Pilots laugh, loadmasters laugh, crew chiefs laugh, and the new A1C cries in a corner.
PeanutPirate
hmm. And which one of those might you be sir?
RoyFuckingMustang
Mother fawkin crew chief. I'm a god damned 5 level expert in cleaning windshields and dead birds.
PeanutPirate
As a loadmaster, we see you guys out there and usually think to ourselves "I'm glad I'm not that guy, but I appreciate what he does."
RoyFuckingMustang
Hm, that kinda brightens my day. I've met a lot of decent loads, and also a lot of cock weasel loads. Thanks m8.
KrombopulusMichaelKiIls
My dad flew one those! He got cyanide poisoning from it once.
RoyFuckingMustang
Having worked on one I cant think of any way to get cyanide poisoning. Perhaps on one of the older models. Real pieces of shit.
KrombopulusMichaelKiIls
He told me the story a while ago, they were transporting a warhead of some sort and it started to leak cyanide gas.1/2
KrombopulusMichaelKiIls
He never asked how it happened I guess but he said he was bedridden for weeks.2/2
RoyFuckingMustang
Well that makes a lot of sense. Prolly couldn't talk any more about that.