wokeupstilldrunk
186074
9496
303
Sugar free colon clearing death bears update
Put some Sugar free gummy bears out on my desk for my coworkers to help themselves to. Hope the plumbing can handle it.
Earlier post was accidentally deleted, sorry, so if you were following and see,
this is the final update,
Total casualties 3 confirmed
Two went home( one waddling to their car)
One still in class sweating profusely and currently finishing a gallon of water between bathroom breaks
The latrine(bathroom) smells like death warmed over and students are going downstairs to use the other bathroom.
Currently there are rumors of food poisoning
I am unapologetic and satisfied with my accomplishments for the day
Thank you all for your support and I'm already plotting my next move
FP edit:
So just to be Clear these candies were left on a personal desk in a closed container. The Victims helped themselves to someone elses food without asking. That being said.
No deaths just one individual who stayed within sprinting distaces of a toilet last night, and two with two gas so rancid one had to pull over and get out of their own car.
Lesson: Feel free to eat others food, only at your own risk.
Ive already started preparing for the backlash and have devised a preemptiv assault to demorolize potental pranksters.
Send anything except gummies
youwillneverguessmyrealname
This is biological warfare.
PerhapsYouKnowMeByAnotherName
Wow, never heard of these. Looked them up on amazon, the reviews are crazy
sweetbeatdown
*hilarious
AbsolutelyBarbaric
How come there are just shoes on the ground? Where are your legs?
WHYDONTIREMEMBERMYPASSWORD
Just added a 5lb bag to my cart. Thanks @OP
Wineisfinebutliquorisquicker
Where can I purchase these?? What's the point of having Amazon prime if I can't get these in two days??
MajorLeagueFister
This is why nobody ever likes admin, Sarnt
toboldlygowherenomanhasgonebefore
That's an act of terrorism if there ever was one.
JRRWalken
DingleBEARries.
NinjaAttackVol1
So, eat them after eating MREs
PrecisionGuesswork
I'd write you a good NCOER
wokeupstilldrunk
They will if they know what's in their colons best interest
jojoba1
OP's reaction if anyone ever confronts him about it
monsteroreo
Spent the last hour reading the reviews on amazon and lost it
UncleDill
difficult to explain the laughter tears to roommates for this one
WhatAWorldWhatAWorld
My boyfriend made the mistake of eating a third of a bag of those despite my warning. He called me from the bathroom. Poor bastard.
TheSqeeek
Same thing happens if you drink enough diet coke. Don't ask.
colonelraleigh
Nope. I have ingested massive amounts of diet coke at a time with no GI problems. Insomnia and delusions of adequacy problems, yes.
Flyndaran
No it won't unless you have an unusual insensitivity/allergy. Aspartame and sucralose don't cause intestinal issues.
TheSqeeek
While it's true that you wouldn't go full-blown gummy-bear without a sensitivity, aspartame has a laxative effect on everyone.
DiamonDie
And apparently for some people sucralose can cause gut problems.
Flyndaran
My GF gets indigestion from moderate amounts of sucralose. But since most people don't I count it as her issue not the sweetener.
Flyndaran
But I get that where each of us draw the line betwween "our" problem and "its" may differ.
DiamonDie
There is an additive in some sugar-free drinks (not Coke, and not the actual sweetener) that works like a stomach bug for me.
Flyndaran
It is amazing just how much differently we all can react to food/chemicals/drugs yet be so nearly identical genetically.
DiamonDie
Considering how many different species of bacteria and fungi there are, our gut flora has endless possibilities for variation.
Flyndaran
Last I heard, it seems like there may be super common "sets" of fauna rather than all permutations having equal probability. But good point.
Chimponzoo
Dick
wokeupstilldrunk
Only when I'm at my best
Chimponzoo
High five!
TrunkMonkey6
People probably not steal candy from your desk...
brushybrushy
I can't resist gummy bears and could eat a whole 5-lb bag of Haribos in a day. This prank could kill me so ded.
kgirl924
LA Beast did a video on YouTube where he did just that. Poor guy was glued to the toilet from both ends.
kgirl924
LA Beast did a video on YouTube where he did just that. Poor guy was glued to the toilet from both ends.
bluedragon93
I ate them. Not Nearly as bad as claimed
MrFatz
One of those "famous eaters" on YouTube did that. Said it was the worst thing he's done/eaten.
duinoboy
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sugar+free+gummy+bears
acommotion
Why did I watch this
TheRealGFromDaHood
Because you found this amusing and interesting or probably because you are fucked up like everyone else in this site...
legolasmcm
That's why I showed up to this post. Howdy!
6ft1DickC
There's a few that have tried...
peanutbuttermashedpotatoes
My friend brought these back from Germany for me. I don't remember having any adverse side effects.
JudgeMentalCat
Some people aren't sensitive to the artificial sweetener. A lot of people are, but not all.
fatherjokes
Slow down there satan!
wolfmanDarkknights
Damn I just posted something similar ,, I gotta do my homework
femaleengineer88
My thoughts!
Cutfirehose
Go read the Amazon reviews on these things. They're hilarious.
Rololo
Heavens to murgatroyd
Nyteblade
"Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell..."
HD2composer
IndependentIdiot
I did. Wasn't disappointed
redbagelpuppies
How are they allowed to sell this?
Ericlol
Thanks for the heads up! :)
lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
why do these things do this?
Skeetskeetnojustkiddingthatsgross
The sweetener chemical in then makes gut bacteria go cuckoo for coco puffs. Massive gas and colon evacuation ensue
Skeetskeetnojustkiddingthatsgross
*them
ScoutMedic
Here is a funny one http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/review/B008JELLCA/R3FTHSH0UNRHOH/ref=cm_cr_mdt_rvw_1?ie=UTF8&cursor=1
NikoPhiNiko
Fucking cried laughing
mustbegilly
Hilarious
curiouscorruption
"Heavens to Murgatroyd!" Lmfao.
StevePMM
I dunno what it is, but every time, EVERY time, "Heavens to Murgatroyd" gets me worse than anything else in here xD
mymanbruce
And here comes the flatulence
Jayhawk92
I'm saving this for later, so hilarious
mattchew55b
Thank you, that was glorious!
NcycloPDR
Jesus that had me in tears
EnivrezVousDeVin
I AM IN TEARS
IsThatAButthole
This.
keywi
Read it, pressed next, kept going
KiWi35
I read the whole review out loud. I lost it at the end
AGreasySlug
.
Tiannie
.
ohnosky
I ended up laughing more than I should. This is poetic.
Asrodrig
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/review/B008JELLCA/R30I8VJFBDG6TD/ref=cm_cr_mdt_rvw_3?ie=UTF8&cursor=3 is my favorite
IcommentMostlyWithGifs
Haha
theImigurer
.
Boredyesterday
Haha, I sorta saw it coming and I still have tears in my eyes. That was a great story.
Mysteriostache
They could put together a book based on these amazing stories.
howamianadultat26
The bannana slicer reviews on Amazon rival ALL.
ProbablyYourBoss
I thought it was funny when i noticed sugar being in the ingredients for sugar free candy
barvhog
That's because the sugar free ones were discontinued. Tho there are still places that may hold the old ones
Lorithias
indeed :)
ocelotkittn
I AM IN BEARS
Cutfirehose
Stop ISIS? Easy. Just carpet bomb the Middle East with cans of these things. Problem solved.
missingdodo
probably won't eat them. there's gelatine in there...
StraightJacket219
They don't know that. so that's a plus
Spearka
give it as "humanitarian aid" towards them
UhPhrasing
serious question: is this technically poisoning and illegal? asking for a friend who wants to pull the same stunt
xvakarian
He said that they were on his desk, people ate them without permission. 2nd the candy comes that way, he didn't change them.
Morrigi
No, it's intended to be food and is unaltered, and there is therefore no criminal act taking place.
therpsichore
Probably a grey area since the product wasn't altered (not like a sandwitch laced with laxatives, that's def illegal). People with health
therpsichore
problem/sensibilities should be warry of anything they can't see the label of, but if the work place is used to a custom of candy dishes
therpsichore
open to anyone then that's a really shitty thing to do.
Morrigi
It's not a gray area at all. If the product is not altered and people eat it of their own accord, then there is no criminal liability.
Tallise
yes
hoofbeatsandsnowflakes
I think it depends. If they weren't given out and just left in a jar, I don't think its illegal as you had no intent to do this to people
melaqueef3000
Is this post legally considered "intent" though?
Morrigi
It is not a criminal act to leave unaltered products intended to be food on one's desk
Tallise
he said in the post he intended for them to help themselves, he's offering them with the intent for them to get sick...
Tallise
for example using eye drops to induce diarrhea is considered poisoning even though it has another benign dose of consuming the product.
DeactivatedBootyPics
Legit question, why do these have such horrible after effects?
Lydia5778
They are sweetened with sorbitol, which is a sugar substitute and also happened to be a prescription grade laxative.
TLC127
That must be what they use in Velamints.
bugsybrown
I had a massive dose of sorbitol from sugar free peppermint lifesavers. I ate the whole bag, when a serving is like 6 candies. Bad.
CawkyVahnMurdahTeets
I have been searching for this question with a valid answer. Holy shit.
madamoizillion
Sorbitol is the most horrific thing ever. Mistakenly bought some sugar-free candy at Winco and it was the worst experience of my life.
pinecone
Oh yea, I've done it too. I ate almost bag of candies in the evening,went to do my night routine. 45 minutes later emerge thinking "WTF" 1/2
pinecone
Read the description from the bag. Spent rest of the night on the shitter. IDK how one can pee from their butt, but that's how it was 2/2
CawkyVahnMurdahTeets
God that's terrible. (Replies a million years later)
canadianscott
Some men just want to watch the world burn...
v
tiddersandbacon
#feelthebern
IllusionOfHatred
From their toilets.
EyeFarted
I wonder if anyone could photoshop this so there's a gummy bear in place of the guy and a puckered butthole at the tip of the Flammenwerfer.
ominousdusk
I'm pregnant and haven't had a productive poop in 3 weeks. I've tried everything and I'm miserable. Thanks op and wish me luck
jenw
also try fiber one bars
JustWaves
These will make you poop out your unborn kid
narwallaby
I was the same at first. I started eating kiwis everyday. Now I won't stop. Ha
ominousdusk
How many kiwis a day?
narwallaby
2. And fiber cereal helps as well
ominousdusk
I'm taking fiber supplements, eating stuff like raisin bran, drinking a gallon of water a day, probiotics. I even had a stomach virus while
bstearns
Miralax.
ominousdusk
Everyone in the house was having diarrhea for a few days after I had nothing lol
TikeMill
So...OP is an asshole, right? They did a bad thing? Bordering on cruel? Uh..
KharnApproves
No. He didn't force people to eat his candy. They took it and ate it.
TikeMill
This only became clear after the fact, but I suppose that does clarify things a bit. OP's coworkers are assholes too lol
KharnApproves
The first post (this is an update) spelled it out. But apparently it was deleted.
itsamazing
I have such a severe reaction to these that even touching them can result in hours and hours of agony. OP is an asshole.
pinecone
So why would you go to steal you coworkers candies then?
itsamazing
even someone touching the candy and then touching me would give me a reaciton
itsamazing
and I wouldn't. but that doesn't make it any less of an assholish thing to do to your fellow human beings.
pinecone
Well if offered/thrown on them I agree. But we can't be expected to limit our personal belongings to cater everybody's allergies and so on.
pinecone
It's just not possible. Of course if you know that somebody is deathly allergic to peanuts, it's not proper to deliberately visit with pea-
itsamazing
that wasn't exactly my point but it's a fair enough thing to say. I was meaning that OP was knowingly providing these with the intent to-
murricamayhem
I would totally do this but, HR would fuck me so fast and so hard I wouldn't even know why my ass hurt.
[deleted]
[deleted]
DaBulls1980
So what you're saying is, buying these bears leads to ass pain one way or the other?
INDIG0M0NKEY
I would do this but it would literally cripple the company because I work alongside the warehouse crew and founders of said company
Cynistera
Send them to your enemies.
d0o0o0d
Send them to your Congressthings.
Cynistera
Very good idea.
DustyBozangas
Likewise. HR nightmare.
Timmah612
if you put them out for others, but keeping a bag open in your desk or something where people shouldn't be swiping from would be hilarious
PSIhateyou
Your ass probably hurts cuz you ate sugar free gummy bears and shat it all out.
TheRicM
I read your username as IShatyou
jmeyers1983
When you fart it would just go: Whoosh!
ShamnusMcfee
Probably the gummy bears
BrookeD789
I work in HR. I'm doing this. No one will suspect me.
Glengoolie
Last year, I ate an entire one pound bag of these "Hell Bears". I guess I'm immune to their powers of flatulent pain because, 1/2
Glengoolie
2/2 NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME.
SomeAngelDude
Oh hey,Yesterday,My bag of the stuff came in the mail and I tried them to see if I was immune to them. I've been fine, eating them for(1/2)
SomeAngelDude
OH GOD WHY SOME ONE HELP ME
Skeetskeetnojustkiddingthatsgross
Results vary based on gut flora of the...user? User.
janedrew
But they're legitimate candy for legal sale. "Well, gosh--I was just being nice. I didn't know they would do that."
d0o0o0d
Yeah, you're just trying to give your co-workers healthy, sugar-free treats.
Nize426
And get a normal bag for yourself to eat, as if they don't affect you
friendlesspharmacystudent
My one younger brother and I have done this to one of our younger brothers.
YouCanChangeYourUsernameAnytimeSoYouArentRelevant
Buy them and put them in a container with a "do not touch" label.
YouCanChangeYourUsernameAnytimeSoYouArentRelevant
Or even better mix them with normal green ones, when people accuse you of anything eat those and feign ignorance.
whydidyoustealingmynameiwillbesoconfusednow
I like how you think!
ArcadeZero
Hello new April fools joke!
tiicoduzit
Very clever
murricamayhem
I like this idea.. You my friend have just given me a beautiful loop hole...
Melinyel
You have a beautiful loop hole, and someone will have a destroyed poop hole.
funkdewbi
This needs more recognition.
DancingJuice
But...but why?
Boatingmyfloat
Probably because he/she wanted to see if people would steal his food without asking. Which he/she says was the case.
nohman64
Some people just want to watch the world burn
graou13
For the glory of satan of course.
LordReverend
because people need to learn.. doesn't matter what, just learn something. In this case, don't trust candy you didn't buy yourself.
JasonThorn
Because apparently what a combat unit needs desperately is LESS trust. This is (literally) a poisonous lesson to teach.
babbzilla
Especially if you put it out FOR coworkers to HELP THEMSELVES. I could can understand if it was to deter people from flat out taking them...
ThisIsTheLastTimeIChangeUsernamesIPromise
I think you missed the part where OP said they were ON HIS DESK. My guess is the coworkers just help themselves without being invited to
babbzilla
No, I got that part. But, I got the entire part. "Put some Sugar free gummy bears out on my desk for my coworkers to help themselves to. "
ThisIsTheLastTimeIChangeUsernamesIPromise
"these candies were left on a personal desk in a closed container. The Victims helped themselves to someone elses food without asking"
difficultdifficultlemondifficult
I'm curious too- what started this battle?
BouncingFerret
Because you touch yourself at night.
Boatingmyfloat
I haven't heard this since middle school, thank you kind stranger for the wave of nostalgia!
SirGigglyBits
Because this is the Army and shenanigans will happen.
Knukails
The fuck fuck games never cease
mindstorm8191
I heard a story where this guy @ work would eat everyone elses food. Someone got tired of it, brought in a plate of cookies w/ laxatives ->
mindstorm8191
mixed in, the guy ate the whole plate, had to go home early. But then I never knew that guy, was just a story other workers told me
AnIdiotWhoShouldBeShot
If you're not familiar with these: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMjgaa5j_LE
HD2composer
oskar4498
Christ.
Oskar272
Reviews: http://static.uhpinions.com/wp-conte">ears.png">http://static.uhpinions.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/HariboSugarlessGummyBears.png http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/B008JELLCA
TheLannistersSendALovelyFruitBasket
send help, can't breathe
IIama
I thought they were kidding, this is awesome.
ComradQuestion
"What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw." pure poetry
Kirchmeister
Apparently they bring out the poetic side of people as they revisit the colorful language in their vocab.
IllusionOfHatred
Almost makes me tempted to try some.. but I'm good.
LaDoleurExquise
When you have the shits AND a creative writing degree.
Gen6Gzus
I couldn't breathe trying to read this
bmmad09
"Chemical weapons grade gummy bears" "the brown grave began to pour down the legs and pool in the monsters shoes"
MM2501
That was fantastic.
IcommentMostlyWithGifs
Hahaha
UpvoteTotem
I mean, I love shopping amazon, and these reviews can't be a lie. Now I'm getting revenge fuel for when I might need it!
BossasaurusRex
Every review can be easily turned into the best green text stories EVER
Hyero
"This very well may be my final crowing moment." This line is gold.
MrBananaFingers
These are glorious
counslor
Oh my god!! It's 4:38am and I'm doing my best to not bray laughter out loud like a donkey! Those reviews though!!
ScienceGoneTooFar
"Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears made by Haribo"
RealisticOptimism
This shit right here...
Mitchz95
I CAN'T PICK A FAVORITE
paininmynecrophilia
I love gummi bears. I hope my GF (or anyone else) sees this post and decides to try to get cute.
Hetuni
I read this in the middle of class, mistakes were made. I was told to read it in front of the class. Everyone is laughing.
UnionJAC
Pure poetry.
dogton
Am I the only one thinking it's weird these are still allowed to be sold?
SPQAAE
Just bought some...It's just a prank bro.
Wombatish
Haribo doesn't anymore fyi, but it's an approved ingredient meant to be consumed in moderation and/or if you're not sensitive.
phylumsinter
no sir! i just posted the same thing!!
betterave
I just commented this, before I saw your comment.
IcommentMostlyWithGifs
They just candy
IcommentMostlyWithGifs
I eat them all the time.
sweetbeatdown
Allowed to be sold? Where do you live? You can buy chlamydia on Amazon. These days, anyone will fuck with you, like I am now.
spongebobsqaurepants
+1 for chlamydia
marylanddd
140 characters of ridiculousness
sheroxx
As a european im not sure how serious you are about the chlamydia thing
spongebobsqaurepants
+1 for chlamydia
imayormaynotbegroot
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004D1CKEQ
cantspellmanslaughterwithoutlaughter
Wait, how many stars is that chlamydia?
TheRealGFromDaHood
10/10
Mollythegoose
(1/2) My dad is diabetic and he has tried all sorts of artificial sweeteners and there is one that makes you poop and I'm pretty sure there
Flyndaran
Not all sugar alcohols are the same. Those completely indigestible will act exactly like lactose does to the fully intolerant like me.
DiamonDie
Erythritol is completely indigestible, but it almost never causes stomach problems. Maltitol is about half digested, has plenty of kCal.
Flyndaran
Right. I should have said many to most fully indigestibles. Obviously as cellulose is simply an indigestible, to us, glucose chain.
Mollythegoose
(2/2) just a lot of that particular sweetener in these gummie bears. He buys cookies with it in them and warns you not to eat more than 2.
RageCage42
Yeah, they have Lysitol, or hydrogenated glucose. Similar chemistry to sorbitol, which is also used as a sweetener (and laxative).
Flyndaran
I came to the same number conclusion for local sugar free cookies. Three made my stomach make noises that "scared" my GF when hugging.
pobody
Same kind of thing can happen with too many sugar free cough drops. Not as spectacular as this but still not fun.
takichandler
You're not supposed to eat the whole jar in one sitting.
Broken08
Damn you thats not how we do things in america!
Heavyoak
you can buy uranium on amazon.
GreatDaneGirl
Some of us are diabetic and can't have a ton of sugar. The key to sugar free gummy bears is eating a few....never eat the whole bag - EVER.
BudleeBazz
It's just the effect of artificial sweetener if you ate it too much
hoofbeatsandsnowflakes
it's funny because if you look up that sweetener, it says doctors will sometimes use it as a laxative for some patients
Flyndaran
Not quite. Fully indigestible sugar alcohols are natural just rarely in large concentrations.
itsamazing
I will get a reaction from even coming into skin contact with them, it's hours and hours of absolute agony, wouldn't wish it on anyone.
therpsichore
Not fun for you :(, do you have to be suspicious of every sweet thing? I guess you don't take candy if you cant see the packaging?
itsamazing
stuff that contains it is clearly packaged as such, yeah. What OP did would be awful, just have to shake a co-worker's hand who'd eaten one
TechnoJaguar
Just recently finished a back of sweetgourmet sugarless bears, about a pound of 'em. About 6 a day, kills my craving for sugar, no poostorm
senkuo
Iron stomach much?
TechnoJaguar
Meh. Low carb diet and self restraint. If you go up to about 15-20 of the little bastards prepare to pee out your butt.
Voltair
I'm having a hard time believing you're not going to get in trouble for that.
wokeupstilldrunk
If you help yourself to someone else's food you are responsible for the outcome.
therpsichore
If it's a legit product you haven't altered yeah, you won't get in trouble. If you put anything harmful (like laxative) in your decoy lunch
therpsichore
then no, that's against the law, you could be prosecuted, and the "It's my luch they shouldn't have touched it" won't hold.
therpsichore
if you really have to stop a food thief make it extra extra spicy.
hcar
It's not like he laced them with drugs. These are a legit product for sale.
redminty
So are peanuts. I don't intentionally give those to people allergic to peanuts, you psycho.
itsbre
Not everyone has a reaction to this. If you put out peanuts and someone allergic eats them, it's not your problem
redminty
You put them out for people to take. When I put candy out on my desk, it implies it's to be taken. MY candy stays IN my desk, dick.
PigeonFace
Wait, did you offer it to them? If you offered it, that's cruel
wokeupstilldrunk
Nope, just left on a desk
PigeonFace
So they were left on your desk, in your desk, on the kitchen counter and in the kitchen counter? You've said 4 things
wokeupstilldrunk
?????
Roarbuttnotfrommymouth
I don't know what school you're teaching but I hope it evolves death by power point. Or sharp
wokeupstilldrunk
It's both
Roarbuttnotfrommymouth
Excellent.