Things Your Pilot Won't Tell You (Pt.3)

1. The truth is, we're exhausted

Our work rules allow us to be on duty 16 hours without a break. That's many more hours than a truck driver. And unlike a truck driver, who can pull over at the next rest stop, we can't pull over at the next cloud (unless it's a massive airplane https://imgur.com/gallery/4wSMf). Do pilots sleep in (the cockpit)? Definitely. Sometimes it's just a ten-minute catnap, but it happens. When you get on that airplane at 7 a.m., you want your pilot to be rested and ready. But the hotels they put us in now are so bad that there are many nights when I toss and turn. They're in bad neighborhoods, they're loud, they've got bedbugs, and there have been stabbings in the parking lot (this is only in developing countries). Sometimes the airline won't give us lunch breaks or even time to eat. We have to delay flights just so we can get food.

2. Most people get sick after traveling not because of what they breathe but because of what they touch

Always assume that the tray table and the button to push the seat back have not been wiped down, though we do wipe down the lavatory.

3. It's one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers...

But if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, you'd better listen. That means there's some serious turbulence ahead.

4. Driving is WAY scarier than flying a plane.

People always ask, "What's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?" I tell them it was a van ride from the Los Angeles airport to the hotel, and I'm not kidding.

5. Passengers: PLEASE be more mindful of yourself and others.

Most of you wouldn't consider going down the highway at 60 miles an hour without your seat belt fastened. But when we're hurtling through the air at 500 miles an hour and we turn off the seat belt sign, half of you take your seat belts off. But if we hit a little air pocket, your head will be on the ceiling. And if you're going to recline your seat, for God's sake, please check behind you first. You have no idea how many laptops are broken every year by boorish passengers who slam their seat back with total disregard to what’s going on behind them.

6. We hear some dumb things

Here's a news flash: We're not sitting in the cockpit listening to the ball game. Sometimes we can ask the controllers to go to their break room to check the score. But when I fly to Pittsburgh on a Sunday afternoon, the passengers send the flight attendants up at least ten times to ask us the Steelers score. I've flown with several female pilots and they're always so sick of hearing 'Oh my God, you're a girl pilot.' When you see a black pilot, do you say 'Oh my God, you're a black pilot'? And for some reason people tend to think the airplane is just flying itself. Trust me, that's not true. It can fly by itself sometimes. But you've always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up. And it does mess up.

7. Finally, some airline lingo:

Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. "There's no blue juice in the lav." 
Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened. Also: "groin scan." 
Crumb crunchers: Kids. "We've got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight." 
Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business. 
Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. "Oh, the gate lice are thick today." 
George: Autopilot. I'll let George take over." 
Landing lips: Female passengers put on their "landing lips" when they use their lipstick just before landing. 
Pax: Passengers. 
Spinners: Passengers who get on late and don't have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat. 
Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again. Working the village: Working in coach.

8.

Part 1: https://imgur.com/gallery/JuWO7
Part 2: https://imgur.com/gallery/F06HI