Prison stories for y'all (part 3)

The Cheeseburger Bandit Strikes Again

So on this occasion CB had been in a high security area and had to pass through a checkpoint with a metal detector and a pat down coming out.

I had just returned to the units after work and was standing out front chatting with another guy, it's at this moment I hear a yell of "Stop! Stop right now!" and hear running, I look up to see CB come sprinting into the courtyard, arms flailing like a wounded albatross in a tailspin, mouth agape and face stoplight red, guards come sprinting out of the units trying to figure out what's going on, gates are closing and he's got nowhere to go, he starts burning laps around the courtyard the guards are closing in and he starts to zig zag, by now the other cons in the courtyard are cheering and egging him on with calls of "Run Forrest Run!" and "Don't let them getcha CB!" I think this was too much for the poor guy or he was finally too deprived of oxygen as he zigged when he should have zagged and he got tackled... hard, it was like watching a folding chair get hit by a steel beam, he crumpled and lay there panting and as they stood him up and marched him off to the hole and he's grinning like he just won the 100 meter dash at the special olympics.

Turns out he was trying to smuggle something back to the units from the high security area and had tucked it behind his belt, when the guard felt it he panicked and stuffed it in his mouth and ran while trying to swallow it. It was 3 years before I saw CB again, he got transferred to higher security. His smile? He managed to choke it down seconds before being tackled.

Captain Nutjob, also known as the Mayor of Crazy Town

So Captain Nutjob was my neighbour, he is a big dude, like monster he spends every second he can buffing up, doing over an hour of cardio a day and hitting the bag regularly, he is also the single most avid britney spears fan I have ever met, also a stringent catholic. Did I mention he's a DO? (Dangerous Offender, it means he is so dangerous to the public the courts gave him an indeterminate sentence, they never have to let him out)

A lot of guys are scared shitless of the Captain, he's well known for having a hair trigger for violence, noise, blasphemy and any kind of badmouthing of Britney Spears are his normal triggers. I on the otherhand get along with the Captain famously and we have a tidy and mostly permissable racket going on making movie guides (every inmate has money come out of their account to pay for the Movie Central channels). I regularly call him Captain Nutbar infront of other inmates, if they haven't seen this before they usually take a step back.

My favorite thing with the Captain was to wait until he was trying to be serious or scary with someone and I would sing a line from a britney spears song and he couldn't do anything else until he sang the rest of it...

My friend Tex

So I meet this crazy little fucker he's a good shit but he ain't all there but he's got two legimate talents in life, tattoos and stealing shit.

I get familiar with the guy and he gives me a few tattoos and we hang out all the time, and if there's two things I know about Tex it's that he is not normal and if hes smiling he's up to something.

I get back to my cell after work one day and he comes by with a big smile, I look at this guy and say "What did you do?" he simply looks at me and says "Want some toast?" now bread is contriband on the units and we don't have a toaster. This little fucker had smuggled a toaster out of the staff lounge at healthcare, he smuggled a toaster, a 4 slice toaster through a pat down and checkpoint charlie and brought it into the unit, to this day I have no idea how he did it and we had that toaster for years.

Quick hoop it the guards are coming!

So first off 'hooping' or 'suitcasing' is the practice of hiding contraband up your ass. It's my buddy asked me to come with him selling some stuff to another guy, the other guy's buddy is keeping 6 (watching for guards) and my buddy gives the other guy the stuff all wrapped up its about 2 inches around and 3 inches long.

No sooner does the hand off happen than the 6 man (lookout) goes "Fuck fuck fuck! Six up! Hoop it man! Fast" (Guard incoming) so his buddy immediately drops trou and starts cramming this thing up his ass, no lube nothing, just going in dry, he's got maybe half an inch sticking out when the guard gets to the door, me and the 6 man are sitting there trying to act casual and we are sucking hard at it, here's my buddy and the other guy trying to get it in, my buddy is giving him words of encouragement "It's almost in, you got this, you're a beast don't quit" basically saying this to the other guy's ass. The guard opens the door, turns white says "No! No. I'm not doing this today, fuck you, keep it!" closes the door and walks away, true to his word he aparently nothing came of it.

Part 1: http://imgur.com/gallery/0ciN5
Part 2: http://imgur.com/gallery/6t183
Part 4: http://imgur.com/gallery/4yNxY
Part 5: http://imgur.com/gallery/o3ka1
Part 6: http://imgur.com/gallery/nuCXH
Part 7: http://imgur.com/gallery/Cp1B0
Part 8: http://imgur.com/gallery/W7cRW
Part 9: http://imgur.com/gallery/TP79z

Part 10: http://imgur.com/gallery/obCyF