Life and times of a Psych Hospital Employee

How I learned not to dress

During my first month working on the floor I tried to dress professionally, button down shirt, pressed khakis, dress shoes, the whole nine. One day, we had to escort an angry patient to a low stimulus environment that we called the "Quiet Area" or QA. It also serves as a restraint/seclusion room should the need arise. He wouldn't go without a fight so he was medicated and placed in seclusion until he calmed down. After we left, one staff member stays to observe for safety, he promptly put the mattress up against the door, so we couldn't see him, pissed on the floor and used the sheet to soak it up and make the grossest rat tail ever and sat in wait for us to return. Upon entering the room, I slipped on said puddle and narrowly missed a pissed soaked rat tail to my face. After a minute or so, we were able to subdue the situation (wrestled him in a puddle of his own piss), but i decided the dress clothes weren't all that professional anyway.

The Holy Trinity

I've met a lot of delusional people in my tenure at the hospital, Abe Lincoln, Helen of Troy, a female Michael Jackson, about 15 Jesus's, and even Spiderman. At one point, we had three patients with the delusions that they were God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, respectively, on the unit at the same time. God and Jesus were roommates at first, but didn't get along. They were always arguing about who was more powerful.
"I can walk on water!"
"I created water!" and so on.
One day, in the QA, Jesus ran head first into the reinforced screen door. When I asked what was he doing, he said he wanted to prove that he could walk through walls. I told him I believe him, but don't do that again and he agreed. At the time it wasn't funny, but after they evened out, we could giggle about it.

Masturbation collection

It's pretty much exactly what you'd expect, I won't be too graphic, or I'll try not to be anyway. I was sitting at the nurses station giving report to my relief when I noticed that everyone walking past the room on my left was gasping and had a look of shock on their face. Knowing that's rarely a good thing, I went over to investigate, and just back far enough from the open door to not be seen from the desk was a young man beating "it" like it owed him money. At this point in my career I've been pretty desensitized to this, and the simple request to shut the door and not disturb his roommate was heeded.
One day we had another young man in 4 point restraint after he assaulted a nurse, she was ok, btw. The staff member on duty in the QA was female, observing and taking vital signs while he was restrained. Somehow, he managed to undo his pants and start peeling his carrot, all while restrained, and kept a dead stare at the female staff member. She was new, called for help, and was met by a grizzled nurse who said, "let him finish, you'll have a new friend".

It was a really great job

All in all, I loved helping people and my role there as a Crisis Intervention Specialist. I've got a ton of stories, funny, sad, and unbelievable. If people like this, I'll post more. Let me know what you think. Part 2 http://imgur.com/gallery/KOnoP/new
the feels http://imgur.com/gallery/AruZX/new