Bobdole4prez
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in Ohio, lethal injection has been replaced with a system that quickly/humanely rips off the heads of deathrow inmates
step 1: humanely remove head
step 2: humanely bash head to ensure deadness
step 3: humanely decontaminate area
in development: high-capacity prisoner squisher
send me anything, would enjoy sifting through a full inbox
grumpylizbean
I saw this on the onion and I still got sad watching these gifs..
IronChefKiller
snaffleplayz
alfredo sauce selected as a an official beverage of baseball?
AT0M1CDRAG0N
I'm glad this isn't real
stylinchilibeans
As an Ohioan, make it so!
SassyMcMuffin
Woooooooo ohio
Apairofpants
In Louisiana prisoners can become organ donors by having their organs sucked through a vacuum tube.
Xenopug
In the UK we stopped using the death penalty because the prisoners found it to be enjoyable.
PaoloVargas
This is for Trumps presidency right? I mean he can't completely copy the nazis
Huffermingle
Auschwitz Ohio edition!
evin21
Im for it
oXenfoX
As an Ohioan, I initially panicked. I feel better now.
JuliaY
As an Ohioan, our lethal injection is the worst.
Fredro
Looks like the right punishment for child molesters
SeanTabasco
should be on the dick though
AsABiologistWhoIsNotFunAtParties
too lenient tbh
SuperNintendoChalrmers
The Onion. Very real, such reliable.
jayboss13
yay ohio!
paradoxagon
top news at the bottom of each one is a great touch
AlaskanNinja
I like how the head just gets bigger each time they smash it
wasidrunk7
Seems legit
ArcLightCRO
High capacity prisoner squisher.... have we forgotten about the Red Queen laser room?
Ka0slegion117
I thought that guy was gonna be alright but then he got frieking julienned
sorrycannotbraintoday
Good dodge, great dodge, awesome...gg
meheeza
"Millions trapped after coal industry collapses". lol
cynicalrosebush
I love the onion. Seems real just long enough to be uncomfortable.
ChevyT
"E-Cigarettes Becoming Popular After E-Sex" and "Alfredo Sauce Selected as Official Beverage of Major League Baseball" - yup seems legit
Josh253
Millions trapped after collapse of the coal industry.
orangemarmaladesky
http://www.boston.com/sports/blogs/obnoxiousbostonfan/OBF/Roayls%20Fan.png
ChevyT
Hahaha thank you for this
anitabieror6
I dunno some of those major league players look like alfredo sauce might be their official beverage
Counterfit
You're talking about Prince Fielder, or possibly Bartolo Colón
waterbucketsandsparetowels
Strangely enough Prince is a vegan. The amount he must eat scares me
orangemarmaladesky
I think he means he just eats things that are plant eaters.
SexyAbeLincoln
"look man, it's just an execution, no need to lose your head over the whole thing"
HMSgoodshiplollyplop
He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Zombraina
I know it's supposed to be satire, but my first thought is why use a robot to rip heads off when guillotines worked fine?!
Leralith
Guillotines don't have topical anaesthaetics on their blades :(
LegoStomper
Then put topical anesthetics on their blades
Leralith
Good idea! If I cut myself, it won't hurt. But z
MapleCommie
As a Canadian, it took me a while to realize this wasn't actually a thing. Oh, America! I love you <3
erieberrie
As an Australian, I thought the same.
mareli82
as a Norwegian i had no reason to doubt that Americans wood do this , but i was thinking this is a bit over the top ( and messy)
dotes
I have never been prouder of being an Ohioan
JuliaY
Oh, don't worry, our lethal injection is much more painful in Ohio.
Imixmywhiskeywithmilk
I can get behind this.
SudoShutdown
Don't forget the one that automatically sucks out your organs for donors!
erieberrie
Ahh the old org-vac 3000
Ka0slegion117
There are more? where can I find them?
Spjs
*Humanely automatically sucks out your organs for donors
shyguyonfire
Alfredo sauce selected as official beverage of major league baseball
Campcirclejerk
Eh, I prefer vodka sauce
FaxCelestis
This was the funniest part.
JustaMITH
Is it a shame that that was what gave it away for me? I worry.
Elrabin
Seems legit
JustAnIdiotOnImgur
In Texas
Valkhi
It's Onion if you can't seen the logo at the bottom
Elrabin
Valkhi
I am sorry but by your comment I couldn't risk it that someone has even the slightest doubt.
Elrabin
Next time i'll have to be EXTRA SUPER CAREFUL that I add the /S tag to my post to make sure people realize that i'm being sarcastic.
Valkhi
Please do.
ShowMeBunnies
The sarcasm was obvious, but it did make it seem like you failed to notice the source.
GoDDstopper
Where do we fund this?
Stuntminer202
Alfredo Sauce 2016
DataBender
Really thought this was from CNN for a moment.
Leralith
To be honest, it's not that unlikely...
JDeverson
"Alfredo sauce selected as the official beverage of major league baseball"
Cubez88
I don't know why I believed it for a minute... heart skipped a beat
tomyironmane
Utah was considering bringing back the firing squad.
chiplizard
so did all my Facebook friends when I posted it
Dicemansion
I see you there little onion..
silverfoxxflame
Im not convinced CNN wouldn't run the headline "Alfredo Sauce selected as Official beverage of Major League Baseball."
FrankJ7
I believed it without question. Now I'm scared I did.
JacobWetzel
You aren't the only one. As an Ohioan, I was terrified.
redredgreengreen
Via parinoid govenrment agency logic, this is tandem to a confession. Nothing to fear... unless your guilty!
JacobWetzel
Well, I have paranoid tendencies , so now a tiny little voice in the back of my mind is freakin out. Thanks for that. Sarcasm, don't hate me
mihaiborcan
as long as you don't get sentenced to death, you should be fine!
JacobWetzel
Yes but... Where's the Scar "I'm surrounded by idiots" gif when you need it? Sorry, mobile and inexperience
MrPredator
It'll be on Fox News in a second, marketed at real news for the masses.
Alexagon
True, but the difference is that their demographic will probably be all "Well about f*cking time we got some proper punishments!"
futuremonkey
Nope, it will be "IS OBAMA PLANNING SHARIA BEHEADING MACHINES?"
registeredtoproveimawesome
Pretty much is though.
FlashMan17
The "TOP NEWS" section gave it away for me.
Ezbeat
How the heck is this humane? Damn, to think someone came up with this.
marine0351w
Was an initial thought too, then I realize it was ONN XD
freedomofnow
Yeah my initial thought was: What the actual fuck is wrong with people?
BlankMage
Today on MSNBC: Star Wars is racist, because Darth Vader is black and a bad guy. No, really. That was a thing they said.
VonKarnstein
What about stormtroopers?
phantomnerifes
Sometimes media comes up with bullshit so they get paid.
SixSixSix
People that know me wouldn't say that I'm particularly gullible, but I did think for a good minute or so that this was going to be a thing..
Khrome
3PO! Shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level!
gandalfgaybeard8
"3PO!! 3PO!!! Where can he be?!?!?!?
TannhasserGate
One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner.
Gidyup
No! Shut them all down!
AnthonyBlumpkins
HURRY!
LogicalFail
"LISTEN TO THEM! THEY"RE DYING!!!!"
Tabaschritar
I think that's legitimately the only intentionally funny part in the whole series.
exarkoontz
3263827!!
hinglemccringleberryislife
One thing's for sure we'll all be a lot thinner.
DidItForScience
--Carrie Fisher as she passed around the cocaine vial.
dragonraven13
"HUURRRRRGH"
duojet
This made me so happy.
Budday
3263827!
alejandromer
4 DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS!
Khrome
2! I have IMAX tickets for 7pm on the 17th
FatalJinx
My backpack has jets
throwaawy
Oh curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!
joehammer79
That's what she said!
SonOfTheShire
Is it?
maximsk
Well, Threepio's gender leaves room for speculation.
Chikabananas
SHUT DOWN ALL GARBAGE SMASHER ON THE DETENTION LEVEL!
MasterofNoneSon
I"M SO EXCITED FOR DECEMBER 18TH!!!!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHH FUK!
strangledbyaturtleneck
Ehem. "Trash compactors"
Khrome
So certain are you. http://youtu.be/RZnQxEFJE_c
UWAGAGABLAGABLAGABA
ha! i just watched that before bed last night.
PresidentialRoboHobo
Wasn't it "all trash compactors"?
Khrome
http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0000048/quotes
PresidentialRoboHobo
My bad
YouLilJerk
Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level, my backpacks got jets, I'm Boba the fett, I bounty hunt for jaba Hutt to finance
YouLilJerk
My vette
YouLilJerk
I chill in deep space
YouLilJerk
I chill in deep space
YouLilJerk
I chill in deep space