Earlkay
301130
9447
164
me_irl
MarshmallowFluffernutterPie
I do not get the one about the dog.
Shroomslapz
You look like an avocado had sex with an older avocado.
Jawihahi
Thank you
bigfatdildo94
Thx buzzfeed
TheAmazingSuperJ
It makes me happy to see that the UK English language package of twitter uses favourites instead of favorites
saganworshipper
21 Tweets About Everyday Life That Are Sure To Make You Laugh. - Buzzfeed
chickenliverssquishedtogether
I like how black twitter is twitted by black people and relatable twitter is white.
MalcolmButler
Twitted? Son, I don't social media but I don't think twitted is the right word.
chickenliverssquishedtogether
Bud, it could very well be.
NotActuallyANurse
Heh. Bra crumbs. Reason #1 you want to sleep with me....SNACKS! I hope you like warm chocolate. Mmmmmelty
MalcolmButler
Look, I'm all for aphrodisiacs but when they're a surprise that's kind of gross. You dont see me dipping my dick in honey for a future snack
NotActuallyANurse
Face in there, eyes closed, licking then BAM - a little piece of ground beef and gravy hits your tongue, you'd be mad? SHENANIGANS!
NotActuallyANurse
Side note: I love honey. If my man tasted like honey, he'd never be able to hold a proper conversation with me *mouth full*
FFOKOFF
#1 what a dope opening line for a ghost story.
FloppyFingers
These are gold!
PluckyPianista
Taught my kids to cook. Best parenting move I ever did.
gonjattone
Did you just take that buzzfeed article and rearrange the tweets? http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/tweets-lol#.teymAMM68a
CharmingAndSexyGentlemanStarshipCaptain
Imgur is actually repost central.
rarecandy31
Works for me since I avoid Buzzfeed at all costs hahaha
mwmillertime
Welcome to Imgur.
hiddenequality
Yup, that's what they did.
InnerBushman
#3 The guy is right! Badly cut pizza can ruin any relationship, be it friendship, love or family. BURN IN HELL HORRIBLE PIZZA CUTTING GUY!!!
killerqueen19
Sad thing is, someone called the dominos I used to work at to complain about uneven slices of pizza because her kids fought over it
CochiseVeneficorum
+1 for Aesop.
willewaston
Buy fake passport,driving license,ID cards,visa,diplomas etc.Contact e-mails: [email protected]
UnrelentinKitten
Ahh, I needed this.
FlesHBoX
#9 I don't get it. Is this one of those new fangled jokes all the young people are saying these days?
entrerie
I don't get it either. Kindah like that "draw race" a few days ago... had to urban dictionary that one and it turned out to be a typo.
GetLitNKnit
Just saw this list on Facebook.
Baylin33
And I'm very proud of you for that.
Jasperman62
Last cars made with a carburetor was... 1990!
IVILegionIVI
Your point is? I drive a car made in '88. There are plenty of vehicles with carburetors still on the road.
Jasperman62
No disrespect intended.. Our company remanufactures engines as far back as model Ts
Lentils28
There are dozens of them!
TravNel
Some people use dogs to meet girls. I use girls to meet dogs.
MiasmaCorrigan
#12 I laughed way too much
MrInconspicuous
Do cars still have carburetors?
amalgamreynolds
http://www.gilisautomotive.com/cars-still-carburetors/ Nope.
MrInconspicuous
Thought so.
Paragon19
New cars use fuel injection instead.
thefatlonelyjew
New meaning less than 25 years old...
TheresAGermanWordForThat
No, they committed suicide out of embarrassment after hearing that awful rhyme in "I'm in love with my car".
Jasperman62
Only old cars.. Classics.. Muscle cars.. No new cars have had them since.. Oh.. 1990
JustASlightJingleOfPocketChangePulsing
Trucks later though
peniswrincle
Mid 80's they started to switch to direct injection.
Jasperman62
True direct injection came later.. Injected engines directed fuel Into intake manifolds.. True direct inj .puts fuel directly in chamber
CheeseIsNaturesFudge
Some motorcycles still use them
ThisIsGod
Now they're just called motor heads who make fun of you for not taking pride in your whip. Get it? Car Berater?!
jfkenn3dy
Electronic Fuel Injectors for the win baby!
raveracer77
NASCAR still used carbs until 2012 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuel_injection_in_NASCAR
thefatlonelyjew
Yeah but arbitrarily
raveracer77
I guess. I don't follow it anymore. I moved on to LMP and diesels. Was more interesting until the end of this year
thefatlonelyjew
lol i never followed it. i just kind of got into cars in the last year and read the NASCAR wikipedia article a week ago or so
goosenman
The cashier one - dammmnn! Yep, still arguing with someone from 20 years ago about sunglasses.
ButtAmbassador
I cry bullshit on #1 no phone battery lasts that long
NovellvsCisco
U. Power Saving mode turns my 4% into a min of 17hours of phone/text use. Calculates to 1.2 days or better for sit time. Yay for Samsungs.
SayWutAgain
He obviously unplugged someone's life support to charge it.
OlMuskyTheMartian
Reference game on point! Wait, it's from this post...reference game still on point.
creatineisasteriod
I "lost" my phone at a party one night and freaked out the next morning looking for it until i changed my shirt and found it in my bra.
prettypetfish
And some crumbs fall out, maybe even a skittle or two, or my phone....
FrankJ7
2007 was 2 years ago..
Dismang
Flip phones ftw, mine stays charged for over a week!
ShakeDogResurrected
We've got a detective over here. Nothing gets past this one.
lorim
Mine hardly ever goes below 30%. It just dies before it ever gets there.
irritabletom
I've watched my girlfriend take her bra off and mutter, "Oh, that's where that went."
ayeohhh
I lost he pendant to my necklace once, was so upset about it. Took off my bra when I got home and it fell out. Thank god for my boobs
Zombielace
I've had the same thing happen with my earrings.
severice
Now I'm just impressed.
severice
I am also appreciative of your boobs.
Favri
Same exact thing happened to me with your girlfriend. Oh the lols.
Asarina
You've no idea how many bar coat storage tickets, or whatever the fuck they're called, I've lost in my bra.
severice
"Mam I can't return your coat without the ticket... would you like to use the bra checking station?" *opens door to office*
DreamingOfPotatoes
I once lost chocolate in my bra and thought I was bleeding out when I took it off at the end of the day. Melted chocolate everywhere.
severice
As a boy that would have been an interesting situation. "This is a very sexy ex life treating encounter...."
DrSC
Dead spider and money are my more memorable finds.
severice
Spider bro copping a feel? Worth it.
mortyrickson
I've seen my girlfriend reach into her bra and pick out something and throw it at my head. Sometimes it's quite big!
kdel378
I once took my bra off and forgot that I had a quarter in my bra cause I didn't have pockets. It stuck to my boob.
BELGIANfries
i had a similar experience after a night out ... suddenly change everywhere
severice
You can call me George Washington then cause I'm stuck on you... this made little cents.
irritabletom
By the way, my girlfriend is on this site now. I don't know her username but she knows mine. Hey babe! Talking about your boobs!
TheWholiganOfGallifrey
Hi sweetie.
severice
*giggle* I see what you did there.
Amythyst
TheWholiganOfGallifrey
I'm not your girlfriend but hi anyway.
irritabletom
Hello, person. Hope things are well for you.
TheWholiganOfGallifrey
Fairly well. How about the things in your life?
yourmomsworstfriend
Yup, I'm his girlfriend and I can confirm this story as being true. Boobs!
irritabletom
This is true. We're at dinner and she just posted this . Girlfriend confirmed. Boobs.
yourmomsworstfriend
Boobs!
Idonotneedafuckingusername
Boobies!
bsher84
My husband called me gross the other day because there were muffin crumbs in my bra when I took it off. He'll never know the struggle!
Ghross
That's not me, that's not me at all
severice
Of course it isnt. Your name has an h in it.
mratio
Explain to him that the cups are flavor savers.
writerbecc
can confirm: am girl with big boobs.
Cuntortionist
Citation needed.
LinkWieldsTheTriforceOfCourage
Act now and you can have the username, GalWithGazongas.
writerbecc
Damnit, I missed my chance! Already taken. :(
Gizmodian
Yup. I've literally taken off my bra and found bits of things from breakfast. Like bacon.
severice
Now on the bacon bits, do you operate a finders keepers philosophy? And more importantly are you willing to sell your cleave mineral rights?
prettypetfish
Here comes at least one dick pic
mortyrickson
Is receiving tiny shrivelled cock pics over snapchat something you're even mildly interested in?
writerbecc
I'm the trifecta of mostly gay, married, and not on snapchat. So...no? :)
mortyrickson
Worth a try. Thanks for the response :)
brap
Just looked down at my phone and saw a Reddit /r/funny meme from 2007
Ntat2
The majority of these tweets happened so early in the morning! Why do you hate bed!
Bradx8
Did anyone notice twits instead of tweets
Morgan96
Is that like 'twunts?' Twits+ Cunts=my personal favorite word...Bonus,ppl have to stop for a second to think about it.Hilarity ensues...
pronacc
No, you're the only one.
GarrettSteube
Still don't know what he is talking about
Earlkay
People who tweet on the Twitter = twits
Felman
I never knew I had it right all these years.
prettypetfish
as a parent I can confirm #13 is accurate. I have not cooked breakfast for my kid since she was tall enough to reach the box of pop tarts.
Nellstar
Go-gurts as well... Life saver!!!!
WhoIsTheDodie
We spend the extra money on pre cut fruit. We havent gotten up early on a weekend since the big one has been able to open the fridge door
prettypetfish
Her favorite is sausage cheese biscuits with gravy. Can't say I blame her. We usually go with something less heavy though lol :-)
prettypetfish
I make one big thing on Sunday and make enough for the whole week so she can just grab it and eat while I get ready in the morning
ChickswithKnives
Why don't you just cut the fruit yourself?
WhoIsTheDodie
Because im lazy. Did you not get that before?
MrsWhitekeys
My kids (3 & 4) have their own mini fridge and cupboard so they can get their own breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Not lazy, self-reliance!
prettypetfish
She (6) is so independent. Its been "I do myself" since she was 2 I'm like "no you can't cut your steak yourself, cause... knife" it's funny
CookieMonsterYumYum
as someone from Europe, I wish i could try some pop tarts.
prettypetfish
I'll ship some to you!
CookieMonsterYumYum
:)) i would be so happy,it would probably take one month but i would still eat them, thanks for the good thought!
prettypetfish
They don't expire that quick you should be good. Inbox me if you actually want me to ship them. I totally will :-)
CookieMonsterYumYum
Wow thanks a bunch! It's ok don't worry, maybe this will make me travel o the US. Thank you mate! >.<
Gokule
They sell them in some of the UK supermarket chains, for a box of six its like £3, its ridiculous.
CookieMonsterYumYum
I live in Romania, here they don't sell them :(
CookieMonsterYumYum
And £3 is indeed a lot!
Everythingshouldbecoveredincheese
that's healthy :)
cerastes
It's got Vitamin A, C and some pieces of iron in it, so it's healthier than water.
dogenuggets
"pieces" of iron?
itlurks
I think it's Metal shavings from the machine it went through. Cool cereal documentary out there about this
prettypetfish
i thought so i get that extra hour of sleep while she goes into a diabetic coma so everyone wins
Everythingshouldbecoveredincheese
Well yeah, I mean... What's the point of having kids if they are interfering with your beauty sleep ?
prettypetfish
you realize that was all a joke right? i dont even buy her food she digs through the trash to eat what ever i threw away
Everythingshouldbecoveredincheese
I'm joking too, don't worry. You should maybe throw her some peanuts once in a while, see if she's allergic, hopefully.
ZOMGNO
Mine can pour cereal and milk. I literally don't know what he eats before 8am. I just buy what he tells me to.
prettypetfish
She's not allowed milk and cereal cause she always pours too much then I wake up to a bowl of soggy mush lmao
ZOMGNO
Can you give her a jug with a line on it, so she fills that jug and knows when to stop? Or smaller milk bottles? Haha, I know that feeling
prettypetfish
Not a bad idea, I'll have to try it.
iamireland
That's awful, you need to actually provide for your children.
prettypetfish
I do provide for her. I buy the pop tarts. She's not old enough to drive, that's irresponsible...
iamireland
Nice of you to have a sense of humor about your child's malnutrition.
JustASlightJingleOfPocketChangePulsing
Yes, pop tarts will kill children,obviously.
iamireland
Do you not understand the term "malnutrition"?
Isleepwithamagicblankie
Yes! Obviously!! They will kill your child!
Isleepwithamagicblankie
I'm with you, pop tarts are an awful thing to teach your kid to eat for breakfast. And to joke about it? I feel so bad for the kids
prettypetfish
Yeah my poor kid. She probably feels the same about your parenting skills that you feel about mine....
iamireland
Right? God forbid a parent provide their kid with nutrition.
prettypetfish
God didn't provide you with a sense of humor.
iamireland
Just because he's joking doesn't mean he doesn't actually do it.
CrunchyQueefTaco
BRA CRUMBS. SO ACCURATE.
FloridaWoman
I found a whole peanut M&M the other day .. I impressed myself with that one! Oh and to answer your question Yes, I did eat it.
severice
Melts in your mouth not in your boobs?
CrunchyQueefTaco
lmao I would have too. Bet it was nice and warm. XD
FloridaWoman
It was ! Thankful the shell didn't crack and it was just warm melted chocolate inside! I was happy and disgusted at the same time.
vinoinreno
Opened a pomegranate at 5:00am before work... took bra off at 6:00pm and found THREE seeds.
severice
I'm starting to think women should start wearing shirts...
TheCommentKiller
THREE SEEDS COOOARLLL
thornykins
Been around any Greek gods of the underworld lately?
astrocouldyounaut
Once was hanging up frames, put some nails in my bra to hold them. Apparently one fell in. Found it hours later when I took it off for bed
severice
Something something something nailed it.
NoWisdomWithoutRegret
I usually pull up my shirt and pull out my bra to brush out the crumbs after each snack/meal.
severice
Time to invent a self cleaning bra and make millions.
icekraze
Post movies popcorn... I'm always amazed about the amount that can fit in my bra!
severice
That's why we throw things into your clevage. We're trying to make a booby singularity.
Laurelespp
This is why I don't get popcorn on dates, when I know later on he's going to want to get in there.
severice
.... if we go on a date you can get popcorn. I promise not to be offended. I don't promise not to do something stupid involving popcorn.
Laurelespp
Lol. Thanks for not being judgmental about popcorn in the cleavage.
severice
Of course not, that would possibly prevent more boobie popcorn int he future. It's important to know where the emergency food supplies are.
ThatGuyNoOneKnows
Ew.
noluckduck
Cleavage lint. Tons of it.
prettypetfish
I store things there on purpose. I Call them my boobie pockets. It's helpful on dates w/ dresses, or the more often yoga pants w/ no pockets
severice
If your having trouble finding dates, I could help with that... I'm ugly, but I have cute friends.
prettypetfish
are you saying i cant find a date?
severice
Mostly i was just trying to be a dork and vaguely hit on you using self deprecating humor in under 140 characters. I see my error now.
prettypetfish
you're funny, i like you
iwonderwhatthemaxusernamecharacterlimitis
Now I'm trying to picture all the things one could possibly lose there.
CrunchyQueefTaco
I have tucked my phone into my bra before and forgotten about it.
thirtyhelensagree
After reading this, i checked my bra and found a lighter and some crumbs, and an arby's sauce stain. Whoops
severice
Also the lost treasures of the aztecs... but that's neither here nor there.
ILoveTomHiddleston
also bra money after a night out, i love bra money
vinoinreno
It's the best place
iamylime
This is the best... it's like, oh my god I grew another nipple. Oh no that's just a toonie..... (yeah verified canadian)
severice
Fort boob.
CrunchyQueefTaco
I dont usually put things in my bra because I always forget I put them there. :\
severice
Feel free to forget me any time... wait..
RebelJane
Yes! Found a $50 note once when I had a shower the morning after a big night out. Thought I'd spent it. Spent it on hangover food instead
ILoveTomHiddleston
yes, i still have money, i didn´t spent all i had, yaaaasss pizza
IndigoWendigo
Are you a stripper?
ILoveTomHiddleston
hmmno, but i like to go dancing, and when i am dancing i hate to have to hold something like a bag, so i put my money on my bra and give 1
ILoveTomHiddleston
everything else to the garderobe poeple so i can dance free and have money to get a drink when i am thirsty
NillaForRilla
I took my bra off and went to bed after a night out, woke up in the morning and still had a Loonie stuck to my boob.
thelittletrainthatcanteven
Hello fellow Canadian.
severice
I'm crazy do I qualify for boob sticking?
GunganExterminator
https://media2.giphy.com/media/13mRB38lCgyXrq/giphy.gif
SeaChell
One time I was really confused because pennies kept hitting the floor in the shower, and I didn't know where they were coming from. (1/2)
ILoveTomHiddleston
i would like to have an underside of the boobs, to small tho :(
GarrettSteube
Go on..?
SeaChell
Turns out, they were all stuck to the underside of my boobs and were periodically being shaken loose. (2/2)
severice
If you require the services of a penny catcher... I'm in.
howdoiscience
I have never come across bra crumbs ever.
CrunchyQueefTaco
Well some of us are busty.
1kidwonder
Are you a male?
howdoiscience
Yes, I am a male person.
CatrionaShadowleaf
Well, that's why.
tigertigerwoodsyall
I ignored the prickly crumbs in my bra for a good 20 minutes. When I finally went to clear them, an earwig fell out of my bra.
severice
... sooo on a scale from one to all of it how much fire did you use?
AsinusAdLyram
Yeah, I made the "ew" face.
CrunchyQueefTaco
OKAY THAT GOT AN EW OUT OF ME.
tigertigerwoodsyall
Haha rightfully so! It took me a long time to recover, every little feeling had me paranoid.
CrunchyQueefTaco
I am itchy at just the thought! Damn girl you survived a brush with death. O_O
AsAnArtTeacherIApprove
I had a "Nerd" stuck to my nipple a couple of weeks ago. I found it a solid five hours after I'd been eating them. I demanded to be called
HeroThatWasNeeded
Well that's one virginn who had a great night.
BiteTheHandsThatThieve
My girl used to have sage and other herbs stuck hers. I'd prefer candy.
severice
I'll call you if you want.
funkhomie
Oh yeah talk dirty to me, baby.
InboxMeYourBeards
Accurate porn scene: she spreads her ass cheeks and there's a hair or two from her head in there.
StephLovik
As someone who used to sit on her own hair. I've had the hair thing. Never the bra crumbs though. :P
gynonurseifixyourladybits
Ew. And I laughed...wtf
AsinusAdLyram
My hair's down to my waist. Two would be a good day.
CrunchyQueefTaco
when you find a long hair in your crack while showering...that slow pull! I love it! XD
RabidManatee
Shit, that happens to me after being with a woman. I am jealous you get to experience it everyday.
thelittletrainthatcanteven
Fucking what.
CrunchyQueefTaco
when i shower sometimes a long hair off my head finds its way betwixt my cheeks. it feels good to pull it out!
thelittletrainthatcanteven
That's oddly arousing.