mryorkshireman
231417
5505
149
Jul 12, 2017 10:57 AM
mryorkshireman
231417
5505
149
corneliusjig
Please keep these coming. I love funny twitter but I hate wading through all the other crap
Keronin
#18 this. 100% this.
CEOAdmiral
Get silly.
Critterpig
#17,but theyre good dogs yregene
K8teTrain
A+ grade stuff
CrystalCrayfish
This is f*cking brilliant
neverendingbreadstick
Please do more
BeverleyMacker
Andy Richter! What would Donny say?!
goodgirlfaith
#46 is hilarious bc I have a cousin named Todd who's into Star Wars and with his track record he'd probably make light saber night cancelled
andreReactionGod
I liked the worm one
hemightbejoking
Isn't "pointy leg man" a compass and not a protractor?
geruhn
I'd suggest Woofie Goldbark
paigezero
How can they be for birds, bird-dicks are way smaller than those holes.
dontsayretarded0itsgay
Those holes are thumb-sized. Tweeter has micropenis
Pusilanimous
Came for an answer on the guide dog poop :)
timlovesraffi
Used to work for a blind couple - dogs were specifically trained to poop on command and the owners would run their hands down the dogs' 1/
timlovesraffi
backs, down the but, and feel for poop. With a bag on their hand, I think it's important to note.
dontsayretarded0itsgay
So they cought it as it fell?
timlovesraffi
No, they could feel on the leash as the dog did their poop spot search dance, then they'd have their hand on the dog's back until it would1/
timlovesraffi
start standing up, then run the hand down where the butt was to search and rescue the poop.
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Fraser94
Your username!!! YORKSHIRE!!!!!
elenaschumakoff
These are amazing.. Ty
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dickbuttbeauty
MOARRRRR
PowwerOrb13
#46 I will beat your ass Todd
LadybirdBrown
Asked my daughter the guide dog question "they must have someone who takes them out before they go on duty". She's 18
eetsumkaus
that means it's all your fault
LadybirdBrown
I know. I'm sorry world
eetsumkaus
for you
LadybirdBrown
Ha ha
fantanaranja
*lips right on mic* this just sounds LOUD
frikadeli
AIRBORNEALLTHEWAY
My dad has a cat that will piss on you in your sleep if it doesn't like you, this motherfucker gon' learn today.
NickRivieraMD
some cats need the fear of god thrown into them
SneksOnPlane
Please explain how you "throw" the fear of God into something!
NickRivieraMD
beatings is typically how it's done
wompwompwomp
With a closed hand, typically.
IamNotAnAlien
#1 well no wonder. that's a fucking compass you moron
TheSassyDrBenHorrocks
Technically isn't is a pair of compasses?
KindaBotheredByAllThatStuff
Thank you.
MrScud
That's probably why they're lost
montanav
Thankyou so much! By the time I got to the comments I'd forgotten what I was mad about lol. That was it!!
meo2
Yeah this must be the crew of captain stabbin
TheValleyofGwangi1
Yep. That's the wrong kind of stupid to pair with funny. Had to downvote for that. Sorry OP but I don't make the rules. Well, just that one.
Kwekz
Nope, it's Pointy Leg Man.
BurntZebra
In theory, you could use a protractor to line up an angle based off the North Star, assuming you have a rough idea of where you're going.
NickRivieraMD
but you couldn't make it pointy leg man unless you broke it, then it wouldn't be much good for lining up anything
ImGoingToEatAllYourApples
But at least you would have Pointy Leg Man
DanBartStart
I follow pretty much all these accounts and they genuinely make Twitter awesome.
GoW1n
Reading these almost makes me want to do the twitter. Almost
Worble
How do these tweets go viral? Never understood that. Are people just looking at every single new tweet looking for jokes? No keywords?
martianandy
Snowball effect. If a few of their followers retweet, then a few of each of theirs and so on. Adds up quite quickly.
TheRadicalizedYouth
That's not a snowball effect.
MrRandom314159
It works in reverse too. If someone tweets and no one retweets, then none of their followers retweet it and so on. Until no one is sees it.
OfficialJoeBiden
Glad I is sees it.
crantron
Ah, makes sense.
whatexactlyisthefunctionofarubberduck
Thank you for asking! I always wondered.
justhereforvoting
THE more funny tweets you have, the more followers you get. The retweet, others see. Repeat
justhereforvoting
they* retweet
Mgiggity
I think it's called Five Degrees of Masturbation or something like that.
tonality
If five people retweet, and five people rt each of the original five, you will have surpassed the population of earth in like 15-18 levels.
hungryforaworldthathurtsless
No, I don't have Twitter, so you can't surpass the population of the world. I'm holding things in balance.
nevoreJunkie
Yeah but you're reading it here now so they still gotcha
PhysicsFighter
13 levels
dokpsy
Well by the 15th or 18th or would have definitely surpassed it then
Potentiate
I'll explain how this works if you pay me with a single piece of rice on the first square of a chess board, 2 on the second, 4, etc..
nevoreJunkie
Underrated
Potentiate
I maintain hope that my upvote count will expand exponentially
onethousandblankets
I followed one comedian, then started following people he retweeted,& now I sit on my bed at night and read funny tweets for hours...
tinskie
Which comedian? I want my Twitter to be funny!
TheThirteenthDoctor
.
nevoreJunkie
Your twitter still won't be funny.
onethousandblankets
I think the first one I followed was Rhys James - @rhysjamesy - later I followed @technicallyron and a few others from imgur posts.
ranivotz
Help me please. I've had Twitter before but deleted because I couldn't find anything worth following. Most spam too much. What to follow?
FullBrindleJacket
Go to one of the articles about "Funniest Tweets of the Week," etc., and follow the people whose tweets make you laugh. (Or yeah, these ppl)
SetOfAllSubsets
Maybe the people in this post?
ranivotz
Touché.
dj505
My god this is perfect
thiscommentwillselfdestruct
It's got one syllable too many
dj505
Sounds fine to me... I might have my memory of the lyrics messed up tho haha
BoxesofFoxes
Can you explain it for my cat? He doesn't get it.
dj505
You gotta sing it to the tune of "Wonderwall"
AnAnarchoSyndicalistCommune
I didn't get it, can you explain?
dj505
Sing it to the tune of "Wonderwall", the first line (in the tweet) is a line from the song
AnAnarchoSyndicalistCommune
Oh, I got that one - the image you linked is showing up as the groupon one
GentlemanGoldfish
The "BUY NOW," etc. is also to be read to the tune of Wonderwall. The Groupon image is part of the tweet, not separate from it.
AnAnarchoSyndicalistCommune
Wow, I'm an idiot, thanks!
LondonerBoy
Haha. Ah, bless ya.