"Mommie Dearest" is a 1981 biography of Hollywood Actress Joan Crawford, played by Faye Dunaway, who, according to the account in the movie, exhibited Obsessive Compulsive, Borderline and Narcissistic Traits.

Most people know the basic idea of Narcissism. It's a love of yourself over anything else. However, there is a great deal more to it than just loving one's self. I am by no means qualified to diagnose mental disorders but I am the child of a narcissistic mother who has struggled for over 30 years to have a good relationship with her. I hope what I write here can help other people in the same situation.

Characteristics of Narcissists:

*Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
*Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
*Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
*Requires excessive admiration.
*Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
*Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
*Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
*Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
*Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time deep-diving into each of these characteristics, but I will share my experiences with some of them in hopes that someone can relate to them and find some peace.

I am the child of a single mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I lived with my mother since. I now take care of her, but for many years in my late teens and early 20s, she controlled my life. Not everyone's situation will mirror mine, but I am hopeful that what I have learned can help be a ray of light to someone else.

I never knew which mother was going to come home as I was growing up -- it was either going to be the kind, compassionate mother who asked me how my day was, or the cruel, mean witch who yelled at me for not having something done that I should've known how to do (that I had never been taught to do).

It never occurred to me that I wasn't the problem. I grew up with the attitude of "what have I done wrong" whenever something happened. I was never able to divorce myself of the idea that I wasn't at fault. In hindsight, I now realize that this was because of my mother's narcissism. She was never wrong about anything. She was perfect. Any time I would try and argue, she'd shoot me down.

Have you ever heard these phrases?

"I guess I'm just the worst mother/father in the world, then!"
"Because I'm always to blame, right?"
"Ah yes, because you have all the answers!"

They're phrases of narcissists. At their core, narcissists cannot accept the fact that they are in the wrong about something. In a day, if they meet 100 people, they will meet 100 assholes. You cannot reason with them and any attempts to do so will be your folly.

I had read a book, called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" that I found incredibly helpful to have as a resource. It helped me frame my stances with her in a way that I could act on, rather than continue to be a victim of.

In it, the author writes, "Emotionally immature people crave attention to their needs, yet they're actually hard to give to. This trait has been called poor receptive capacity by researcher Leigh McCullough (McCullough et al. 2003). Emotionally immature people want others to show concerns about their problems, but they aren't likely to accept helpful suggestions. They reflexively reject efforts to make them feel cared about. They pull others in, but when people try to help, they push them away.

In addition, these people seem to expect others to read their minds and are often quick to anger if people don't anticipate their wishes fast enough. They dislike having to tell people what they need and instead hold back waiting to see whether anyone will notice how they're feeling. The classic unspoken demand of the emotionally immature adult is "If you really loved me, you'd know what I want you to do." (Lindsay)

I awoke to the fact that my mother was a narcissist after an argument with her a few months ago. I had given her, in her words, a "mean look" that caused her to go on a tirade about how she wanted to kill herself and everything would be my fault. She spent several hours in bed acting the part of the martyr and saying things like "I won't even go to my appointments because of you," as if I was somehow to blame for her acting like a child.

We'd been previously going to family therapy (thankfully) but she had stopped going because she was "tired of being blamed for all the problems." During the therapy, I tried to come to terms with the anger and rage I felt towards my mother. Whenever she speaks to me, my subconscious rises to interpret the things she says just as a child would. It takes a lot of time and energy for me to process the way she says things to me ("You really shouldn't eat that," "Are you still up?") as a concerned parent, rather than someone trying to insult and ridicule me.

I expect that there are many reading this who simply have no idea what to do with their pent-up anger towards their parents. They literally have ruined your life at this point -- you didn't have a normal childhood because they wouldn't let you. You didn't come home to a June Cleaver, or a Laura Petrie, you came home to Mr. Hyde and hoped in vain that it'd be Dr. Jekyll instead.

Many people would say to try and make peace with the anger. "You won't be able to change them, so you have to change yourself." Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck. That. Be angry. Own your anger. You have every fucking right to be pissed off and hate your parents for ruining your life. Once I realized that the anger and rage was there, I knew it couldn't control me anymore. I knew that I couldn't fall into the same trap I had always fallen into with how annoyed and resentful I was towards my mother.

It is not going to be an easy thing to do to distance yourself emotionally from your parents. If you don't live with them, it will be much easier, as they aren't a constant thorn in your side. However, for those of us who are now taking care of elderly parents, we may not have a reprieve from them. It's important to simply wake up to the idea that you must remove emotion from your interactions with your parents.

I don't expect anyone reading this to suddenly snap their fingers and go "Aha! All I have to do is not care, thanks, internet!" I hope that anyone who needs this kind of help will be able to at least go into situations with their parents and realize where their emotions are. If they can begin to at least see the things that are happening from an objective level, it will become far easier to pull yourself away from the emotional construct of your relationship and look at things rationally.

Once you're able to distance yourself emotionally, you can begin to see the faults in the other parties. You can see how their web of narcissism pulls you in and gets you stuck. Once you begin to realize that you're not the cause of the problems, you can begin your journey to healing and finding your self-esteem again.

This is not an exhaustive list of metal disorders that can affect children. If any of this has resonated with you, I encourage you to read the below resources. If there's anything I can do to help you -- even if it's just to listen to someone else stuck in this same position, please don't hesitate to message me. I am by no means a psychiatrist or psychologists, but sometimes people just need to vent.

Please remember this: you are not the problem. You never were the problem. You will never be the problem.

Links and References:

Harpy's Child (Imgur blocks Google links for some asinine reason, just search it, I promise!!)

http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/what-is-narcissism/

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

http://narcissismschild.com/2014/09/08/your-anger-at-your-narcissistic-parent/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201509/resolving-our-anger-narcissists

http://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibsons