bantur
33154
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May 12, 2016 9:07 PM
bantur
33154
1704
118
Blerkherks
"A good soldier never masturbates". HA! My woobie has seen some shit.
ZetaRayBill
Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.
Completelyoriginalusername
#9 is very false. If you think a bunch of 18-23 yr old men don't masturbate when in a practically womanless zone then you live under a rock.
Thephedora
Umm. They tell you to hack it in the Marines lol
goliath449
Good soldier never masturbates... ha!
ZeroDarkJoe
fun fact: they once tried to do a study on teen boys to see how internet porn effected health, they couldn't find any that didn't watch porn
Jeweyboy
Xathraphor
Woah there.
clumsome
sigh...unzips...
colonelbenjamin
Jesus just told me he wants to beat it together. Do we keep eye contact, or is it a 'stare at the corner' type deal?
MacGyverofAnxiety
Looks like it's time for my daily satanic ritual.
WeCouldAllGoPeeTogether
I masturbated 9 times while reading this. OOP! 10 times now.
vlej
you might wanna see an urologist
qvconthetivo
The fun part with this is spotting the real ones from the parody ones. You can't, can you?
useless3y3s
AStrongFemaleCharacter
Probably can't hold hands with God OR masturbate when your hand is on fire.
iamkyleh
I wish the one with the guy falling off the cliff had a 3rd clip of him pulling himself up by his jerking arm, a perfect finish
Angatita
That last one hahahaha "beat it"
banz111
INORITE? Why don't the comments further up point out this wonderful observation?
LisaJWho
Did we ever find out why the kid's head is secured down on the cross too?
BoxesofFoxes
It's actually an immobilizer for kids w/epilepsy, so they don't hurt themselves when they have a seizure.
LisaJWho
Well that makes a million times more sense.
surprisegloryhole
What the fuck is that fucking velcro cross!?
SomeKindOfOctopus
Looks like a papoose board to me, though it's odd for the arms to be out like that. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papoose_board
adavaas
It's a parody.
pissinginthewind
The masturbator has a stronger grip, therefor not needing anyone to catch him and give him a happy ending.
TheMomaw
If you're doing it right, ALL your ends are happy
spikytortoise
Couldn't he give himself the happy ending?
yourewastingyourlife
ladies be sure to clean your sin caves regularly
KtanDantaktee
That last one tho.
Gian4MVP
You can't hold hands with god when you're driving a car. Let Jesus take the wheel. Preferably at high speeds...
Rimasticus
hehe, jesus wants to help you masturbate.
abusfullofjews
It's funny I'm reading this right before I was going to do the deed haha
Catz8herface
The masturbator will have enough forearm strength to pull himself up the cliff though.
Sneakyturtle13
Ha. A good soldier never masturbates with an image of Marines.
taratinoneedstocastkeanureeves
I touch myself every time I see a man in uniform. You're welcome
Chrichelle
You've done your country a great service!
[deleted]
[deleted]
Chrichelle
Ha-ha! That too!
Lojay
Self-raped her sin-cave. Ive just now stopped laughing.
f0rb1dd3nd0nut
Ringing the devil's doorbell! LMAO!
taratinoneedstocastkeanureeves
How else are we supposed to teach the guy who is going to fuck me proper for the rest of my life to do it correctly?
spikytortoise
(Also, if the clitoris is meant to be "Satan dorbell" or whatever, why in tarnation does it exist? It's only function is pleasure.)
MrsJacobKnight
100% thank you.
Spaceygirl84
Lol my sin cave..but those are real? or are they trolling?
shamusorlly
I think some are real. Best story I've seen so far was "Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin" arrested for public jerkin'/raping a dolphin.
fawkaduck
Took some imagination, and a bit of time, but it is indeed possible to rub one out to this post.
slingy
No imagination required. A group of stern looking nuns should do it for you.
temujin9
fawkaduck
That gif is simply amazing.
xLickMyCritx
As a woman satan has never once answered the doorbell god damn it
Theflyingcactus
Right :( I just wanted to pop by and say hello
generikwannab
Works if you have a bit of blood to give to the devil to drink in return ;-)
BearableBear
Call me :P
fezfolife
Then you're not doing it right
LoneTurnip
Yes. God did damn him.
cleverusername69
Well if you keep saying the "God damn" phrase he will...
Zombraina
Only if you 69
CCSAwesome
Perhaps u need another hand
insongwhang
Try to ring harder?
RandomAbscessMemories
"Is she still there? Pretend nobody's home!" - Satan
razmann
do you say "oh god" at the time? maybe that's why?
lokishadowgirl
disappointing, really.
realbrickwall
Make sure you're leaving a note so he can get back to you.
lurkersuniteinirony
Really? From what ive heard he does at least once a month
spikytortoise
You just won the prize for my favourite comment of the day. Well done. Want a Cookie or something?
copingcabana
Try using the knockers.
TheUltimateChimera
https://youtu.be/XTw1lzxTAis
copingcabana
ineededanewaccountsoimadethisone
...There's a "knockers" joke in here somewhere, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
CorneliusCornwall
Wouldn't be the first time you couldn't put your finger on something.
ThomasTheWankEnglne
Ha! Take that whoever you are...
CorneliusCornwall
Ill take anything at this point. I'm so lonely
ThomasTheWankEnglne
I have nothing to offer but my doots.
themissingventure
I would think a masturbator would have the arm strength to pull himself up a cliff.
HessianGhost
That is why Jesus us saving the other guy. He knows the masturbator can take care of himself.
ShootMyWhat
I do.
MarshmallowFluffernutterPie
Not if he does it slow and gentle like the tender caress of a lover.
CCSAwesome
That's a good one
bittergiraffe
Unless Jesus is really tall that guy can just drop.
THRAWN18
He's flying.
TorchNRun
Drop and roll. You'd be surprised how far you can fall without injury