BoogiesOogie
462994
18919
235
Sandwich is an asshole
She jumped on my porch when Jimmy Johns delivered, and wouldn't leave.
Look at this piece of shit.
Sitting on my porch like a proudly purchased bumper sticker for running a half marathon that she didn't finish. Asshole.
She decided It was acceptable to have her bastards in my home.
After I took her homeless ass to the vet, to make sure she didn't have AIDs and shit, they told me she had 6 more squatters in her dumb cat uterus.
Look at these non-rent paying, muscle deficient, 6 piece chicken McNobodies.
I layed out a perfectly good 3'x3' cardboard box with blankets and comfy ass bedding, but no, this asshole had to have her kids on the GOTDAMNED carpet!
I don't have a problem with breastfeeding in public, but she had to do it in my house like the shitbird she is.
Look at these little assholes! Cant even see and shit, what is the point.
Tiny little alcoholic assholes.
They don't even like good beer, I had to get their non-palate having asses miller lite. That's not even how you spell light, you illiterate grundle-vultures.
I had to touch these disgusting insufferable fuckwits with my own two hands.
Look at them, they can't even take a family picture properly.
Really, just one picture... you can't do it!? They will probably all end up with entry level jobs.
Look at that little shit on the right, his head is moving so fast because he is a terrible person and an even worse cat.
I wouldn't even send him to college, straight to the coal mines with that hyperactive knob gobbler.
Really, I give up. Y'all idiots deserve a terrible photo.
They think it is ok to sleep on my bed.
Cuddling like assholes.
I have to wake up to this, filthy cuddle puddle of unemployable ham fisted nitwits .
GET A JOB YOU OFF KEY DICK TRUMPETS!!!
Sandwich now thinks she lives here.
That is a fucking fake velvet throne you are perched on, you dung-wielding special olympics acrobat!
We bite each other because we hate each other.
Imguralterego
Clever pregnant cat found a fantastic place to have her litter! Well done on being an adoptable asshole :)
someoneismoking
I could not stop laughing through this whole post, you milk-toast-enchilada-eating-bastard.
Thirdy
"a terrible person and an even worse cat"
FYourCouch
"Non rent paying, muscle deficient, 6 pc mcnobodies" - lo-fucking- l
Davedavedavedavedave
I have a sneaky feeling that you don't think these catholes are catholes at all.
Tatelina
Please, please, PLEASE desex/spay/neuter your pets. Cats can breed when they are SO young and there are SO many that are put down each year.
WhatIsThisImgurIHearAbout
People don't realize how young they can breed. I can't believe the one year old little retard I have can make babies
TooAnxiousToThinkOfAUsername
+1 for Dave, who is also an asshole
scooterneverhurtnobody
"...dumb cat uterus," awesome
Mattttttt
"caterus"
Thesinlesssinner
All cats are assholes, and that's why we love them. I have two assholes of my own, they are lazy no rent paying fluff balls.
BoomButton
If you only have 2 assholes and they're both cats, how do you poop?
Thesinlesssinner
You made me think of the Interview. "Are you telling me my man Kim has no butthole?"
DieBySnuSnu
This is probably my favorite post I've ever seen on here.
CliffyWeevil
I want to play with your assholes.
ToastMasterLex
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
BoogiesOogie
You can schermerhorn anytime you want buddy... Also thank you, I am flattered.
Creamofsumyunggai
I'm not falling for that again!!
CanIGetAnyOfUCuntsADrink
+1 for "grundle-vultures"
BoogiesOogie
It was my favorite.
hardwire18
Sandwich must have sensed your kind and gentle personality.
blueboytoo
Grundle vultures.
daiconrad
ILLITERATE grundle-vultures. :) This is my new favorite insult.
Ankhetaton1
Upvote for "offkey dick trumpets".
HighSeass
@op you're a goddam legend, you raise those assholes to be the best assholes you can!
shubb666
"Offkey dick trumpet"
BeardedCoach92
Interracial bastards too
BoogiesOogie
Their shame knows no racial construct! Fucking assholes!
ThisJennarationThough
This fucktard kitten I rescued just stole $700 from me and hid it. I have to pay bills at the beginning of the month.
JustTheFactsMan
That was your new girlfriend, not the cat. Back away from the bong slowly.
ThisJennarationThough
Nah. It was in an envelope in my purse. The cat steals hair bands, paint brushes, jewelry, etc. I've yet to find the envelope though.
AnnaNimitee
Fuckin' Dave, man. I had a cat named Dave one time. Aside from "Shirley", it was the stupidest cat name I could think of. It worked, though.
BoogiesOogie
He is an idiot, so it is fitting.
sleevelesspineapple
I plan to call my future dog Steve Dave.
BoogiesOogie
Damn comic nerds
Ivey0126
I upvoted at 6 chicken mc nobodies
anumber1
Thank 'Space Ghost Coast to Coast' then. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1x6aoi_space-ghost-coast-to-coast-sequel_fun?start=520
ImSynnical
I favourited at that
Tuffymon
I woke my wife up reading that line.
ohmygodtheysaidnewzealand
"He's a terrible person and an even worse cat" won me
HippDeutschMan
I upvoted at: this is Dave, also an asshole
AnticipateSerendipity
But why not Kitten McNobodies....
nihilityfarce
I read chicken mc noodles, I guess that makes more sense
or0kuSaki
Someone beat him to this terminology. See "kitten nuggets"
elninjapenguin
upvoted at "illiterate grundle vultures."
Twinklepot
That was my favourite too : )
TheWorstPirateYouveEverHeardOf
I wish I could up vote this 100 times.
paeches
you can, just make more accounts.
TheWorstPirateYouveEverHeardOf
Thinking outside the box. I like it
thewastelandwanderer
I think this could be one of the few times I can honestly say I wish I had seven little assholes
[deleted]
[deleted]
amoeba15
Snow White and the Seven Assholes
Probot748
Snow white and the seven assholes should be a book. Whos with me?
RonPaulWasAnInsideJob
So much wiping.
kspice
Spanish class: "You mean 'años'. If you said, 'tengo siete anos', that would be some kind of phenomenon!"
lamborguineapig
I once wished everyone in a Skype chat (about 200ish people) a merry Christmas and a happy new asshole.
ThatRandomChickYouDontKnow
I needed that laugh. Thank you.
ChickenChickenBurningBright
http://imgur.com/585C6yc
BoogiesOogie
Monkeys with four asses are important scientific projects, those with five are the psychotic fever dreams of drunk theoretical zoologists!
dauntlessds
http://imgur.com/XRJclWh
Kabe59
You'd have them stretched out in no time
BoogiesOogie
It would certainly make pooping more exciting! Probably spend a lot more on TP though.
ivegottwolegs
But think of the efficiency!
RacistDragon
Lol this fuckin guy, man
SuspiciousSushi
Find your nearest elementary school.
MyNameChris
You know that list that we don't talk about. Yep you're now on it.
SuspiciousSushi
Dear god. Why did I say that
KindaHotInTheseRhinos
We were all thinking it...
TheBlackVan
We are now!
techley
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
ashmenon
"Trust me. You don't." - Snow White.
DarthDiggler
Would make taking a shit 7x more efficient.
PeterTurboIronCage
Chunt?
SkinnyC
I think you mean Chuntttttt
Barrycontrary
Mmmm chuntttttt please!
HighFive1
You, I like the cut of your jib.
Phishouttawatta
as a sailor, I like dis
BoogiesOogie
Give me a high five, and you can cut my jib anyway you like it, you sailboat metaphor using legend!
HighFive1
http://imgur.com/WCQu3PP.gif
BoogiesOogie
http://imgur.com/oF68lus
leeloumultipass
.
Jawsmine
As someone who got screeched in less than a month ago, that sentence nearly made me puke.
HighFive1
Was it the fish? Wasn't pretty enough for ya? Hmmm?
Jawsmine
It was the fuck boy that tongued the fish immediately before me. I enjoyed the screech and the songs
HighFive1
I know bare minimum about it and have never seen a screech in-but my heart goes out to you ab the fuckboy; not enough showers in the world.
Jawsmine
Like imagine those awful like lizard tongued dudes...he went to town on that damn cod right before me. Thank god for that alcohol after
SharksAreCuddlyWhenYoureNotLooking
Do you want another asshole? I can be there in a matter of a few days :) haha
BoogiesOogie
Depends, on the quality of the cuddles proportionate to the hair/fur fuzziness value.
SharksAreCuddlyWhenYoureNotLooking
Ass the cuddles you like in exchange for hanging out with the other cuddly assholes. Also, I have snacks.
SharksAreCuddlyWhenYoureNotLooking
All** the cuddles haha my god
BoogiesOogie
Sometimes you just gotta ass the cuddles, I don't know how that helps the linens, but some times you just have to.
SharksAreCuddlyWhenYoureNotLooking
I like this. This makes me giggle.
BoogiesOogie
Snacks are really the deal sealer.
SharksAreCuddlyWhenYoureNotLooking
Settled! Haha
ObelixLeGros
Assholes, everywhere i look, Assholes!
RatalieArcadia
BoogiesOogie
-The last words of an overbooked proctologist.
ItaloColombianAdventuresInJapan
I'M SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES!
TheJewelOfJool
KEEP FIRING ASSHOLES!
dagggg
Ok ok, the captions are funny. Reminds me of 2001 internet humor, the good ol days.
koinuchan
I was 18, I don't remember shit like that.
javer80
Was that before or after "The Best Page In The Universe: Real Ultimate Power!!!" ?
mac821
Before the fuckin terries took our innocence and good taste in humor away.
Counterfit
*tories
JustTheFactsMan
Terries is slang for Terrans
GenericImgurianDragon
Thought you were talking about Terry Pratchett. Thought "The fuck's wrong with Pratchet?!"
Rasdwatrium
Terries?
CliffyWeevil
Them terries get froggy.
supernintendo64
Terrorists.
theuberkevlar
http://youtu.be/eiWIOKKuyGE
releasetehgoats
Gonna draxx them sklounst
BoogiesOogie
http://imgur.com/GNdTEOx
BayazTheBenevolent
Gonna fireboard them mother jammers
CliffyWeevil
Gonna hypothetical them in the clavicle.
BoogiesOogie
http://imgur.com/uPezRJj
makemineadouble
" This is Dave also an asshole."
BoogiesOogie
He really is, we call him "Suge White", because he acts like Suge Knight, but he is white...
Daaabloons
Fuckin' Dave! What a dick.
makemineadouble
Again with the funny!
theelvesoflothlorien
Give it up OP, you know you love them all. You've become a crazy cat lady.
Matthewwv
Did you just assume his gender?
theelvesoflothlorien
That would be "its gender" to you.
darkhavana0512
Knilore
666 votes....Guess I'll come back after some else ruins it.
Mx7733
Did you just assume his gender?
noperope
Ugh triggered
BoogaYooga
their* gender
Rocalive
I prefer cat lord.
theelvesoflothlorien
I like that! <3
MoarStruts
He's a crazy cat gentleman technically.
BoogiesOogie
I do, but nobody else knows I wish I was a lady.
ValhallaArise
The magnificent Bearded Lady!
pelusita35
Being a lady is overrated. Just be a crazy cat chick.
WeGotCompanyCaptain
Human to animal is hurd
GoGoGadgetFoot
@OP how old are they now? And did you decide to keep them all? Ty for this post btw, it made me lol and I was having a crappy day
BoogiesOogie
You're welcome! they are all almost a year old, and are happy in their new homes!
Luvvie
Aww, even Sandwich?
BoogiesOogie
Naw, Sandwich is currently sitting in my leg licking herself like the proper lady that she isn't.
ShitLeopard420
Pretty sure I'm in love with you, even if you are gender confused
BoogiesOogie
Well, that's ok, I do like weed, and pooping, and cats...
ShitLeopard420
Oh my god, I think we are soulmates.
BoogiesOogie
That is what they all say.
TheMonsterWithinYou
As a lady I want your chi.....kittens.
Homieomar
gotta say went through the whole battle there was fights sex and food and I stole all the gifs I will ever need you two are freaking awesome
TheMonsterWithinYou
BoogiesOogie
http://imgur.com/0LLnDAQ
BoogiesOogie
First, hand to hand combat. Then, maybe.
TheMonsterWithinYou
bring it on
BoogiesOogie
http://imgur.com/M57gh3q
leeloumultipass
... Now he calls her his 'favourite daughter' in front of me.
ThatWeirdFriendEveryoneHas
Don't gotta be a girl to be a crazy cat lady
tex81024
with modern technology, you can! sorta.
VigorousWhale
I think THIS just became my favorite post on this site you incredible bastard!
leeloumultipass
You're struggling to express your tender feelings towards these morsels. It's hilarious. You'll get there, though. Took my Dad 3 months.
dannyb89x
So...... So your keeping them all?
BoogiesOogie
They already have homes... thank god!!!
ToxicPineapple
Just like your dear papa?
BoogiesOogie
I do like to press wild flowers, and hang around in bars...
strangledbyaturtleneck
Do you cut down trees, eat your lunch, and go to the lavatory?
BoogiesOogie
Also yes!
BoogiesOogie
I do it in suspenders and a bra!
Th4tDumpster
Sandwich is a great name.
CheyenneArcher
My cat's name is Shithead.
Autocorrected
This story escalated freaky fast.
pervertedfox1
i had a cat named soda-pop
mycatToastwasafatasshole
My cat's name is Toast. She was caught in a trap when she was a kitten. The vet said "This cat is toast" and it stuck.
JJWoodSculpture
An asshole is not a great sandwich though.
sandwiched
Thank you.
ImNotFromEarthDimensionC137
My cat's name is Toast
LitbergBierbong
MoreMemesLessPolitics
That is my cats name. Sandwich and Pickle.
JustYourLips
My cats earned their names; Punky and Monkey. Man do they fit their personalities too.
DaSandwich22
Sah
gormtheoldthesleepyofdenmark
Our dog's nickname is Potato Chip. But sometimes we call her Popsicle.
BerthaControl
Potato Chip and Popsicle are both wonderful dog names.
pelusita35
Our dog is porkchop
gormtheoldthesleepyofdenmark
Doug Funny's dog
pelusita35
My husband named him. He'd never seen Doug.
BerthaControl
Doug Funny - sad how there are people who were born in a post-Doug Funny world. I feel old.
KvltDrummer
My brother named our cat Fluffly. I renamed her Potato. Best decision ever.
JohnnySandwich
Agreed.
ivegottwolegs
Some friends of mine had a cat named Breakfast.
gamesthatiplay
I assume Sandwich is named that because he started biting the cat first like a sandwich and made the asshole.
apt311
I was going with the whole Jimmie Johns reference (delivery sandwich shop chain, in case not familiar).
BoogiesOogie
You would be correct.
LLTGDBM
My friend has a cat named Tater.
punkinfatcat
Lola VonPuffinton
CertifiedPreOwnedButtPlug
Sandwich & Dave...
BoogiesOogie
She hates it, because she is terrible.
Himgurian
So she's not the kitty of the 11th Earl of Sandwich, John Edward Hollister Montagu...?
impostersquall
I have a cat named Sausage, so i'm loving the name.
Jevus
She does look like a total asshole. Good post. I needed to know this.
carrotsoup
My cat's name is Broccoli - Bro for short
[deleted]
[deleted]
Cessepool
Got me to read it, scared my dog awake from laughing.
BoogiesOogie
I am glad someone else enjoyed it!
BoogiesOogie
Thank you!
planetNasa
I want to be you're new best friend. I promise to be awful at it.
BoogiesOogie
Job secured!
Sephority
Jimmie johns is terrible
Karbouno
I'd like you to know that I just decided to get JJs for lunch because of you. Thank you.
Sephority
Fine. Firehouse subs for life tho.
ecodude
Shut up you lying bastard!
Sephority
NO
BoogiesOogie
I for one, like all subs and sandwiches.
RextProject
wolfenstien98
The fuck did you just say? Take it back! Take it back!
Sephority
No.
arcenlapin
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH
Sephority
:O
Jehrman
Prepare for downvotes for having an opinion.
Sephority
Braced.
Therearetoomanyusernames
I like to think that sometimes the downvotes are like a joke on them. Like Edward Macaroni Fork.
MiniMarimbist98
#TeamJimmyJohns
Sephority
#TeamFirehouseSubs
Therearetoomanyusernames
Whoa, dude...calm your britches...
Sephority
IM WEARING A DRESS
Therearetoomanyusernames
Then tame your tatas, woman!