40 weeks clean from selfharm

I actually can not believe it.

I stopped counting, stopped keeping track, a while ago.
Because life got so hard. I struggled and struggled, and i thought i was gonna fall, slip up, so many times.
So it didnt feel right to celebrate the milestones. Because they didnt feel like that. They just felt like i was avoiding something, just for one more day or one more week, but that sooner or later i would cave in.

It has been extremely lonely, because talking about self harm, is hard. Telling people close to me, that i think about it, is hard. I dont want to worry them, ive done that enough in my lifetime. I want to be strong. I want to be able to figure shit out myself.

These past few months, or really, this whole year, has crushed me. For a zillion different reasons.
But i have, SOMEHOW, been able to not make a single cut. I actually can not, in any way, understand how i have stayed clean.
Today was another bad day. A really sad day. And just "for the hell of it", i decided to check with the calendar how many weeks it has been. And as i counted 40, a round number, a big number, there were actual tears. And i decided i will nok break that strike.

No mattee how hard life is, and how sad and hopeless i feel, a few cuts across the arm has never really solved anything.
Now i will pracrtice russian instead, when the urges hits. Because learning a new and superhard language is the perfect distraction.

Sorry for long text, but thank you if you read it.