Spragnort
145288
5544
357
Feb 22, 2016 2:54 AM
Spragnort
145288
5544
357
visualvendetta
Does not increase metabolism by 30%. Meth barely does that. Improves elimination of breakdown products of metabolism from body.
AZDan2012
Cleaned tbe bathroom and did the hair ties like this, wife used the bathroom to get ready, heard my wife yell - Fucking Imgur again huh?!
WisdomPlaytime
I've kept my hair ties on my key ring for years. It's the only way I don't lose them.
GrannyLlama
I'm super jealous that you cleaned the bathroom AND organized anything for your wife. 1+ for going beyond half-assing it.
AllTheCoolKidsPeeTheirPants
Ok the door lock one. How often will an intruder have a key anyways. "Dam it's locked I better leave they don't want me here!"
Beretta209
The tacos breaking problem can be easily fixed by buying actual tortillas and not the stupid tostadas shaped into tacos!
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
and making real tacos that don't crunch.
grayjedi
My god! Boosting my metabolism? What am I going to do with this boosted metabolism I have now, because boosted metabolism is a real thing?
Jewwwbacca
What happens if you're walking alone at night in a bad area and you are the cop? :(
98Problems
it's okay as long as you're Larvelle Jones
DidItForScience
Don't download a scanner and just turn on your radio. Or... call someone to pick you up.
Surrenderyourkoolaid
Close your eyes and count to fuck, or just shoot a black Dude for.
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
for what?
visualvendetta
At train platform.Wasp flies directly into woman's cleavage.She freezes in terror.I go,"Want me to get that?"She's like,"Just do it".Got it!
oopsIdroppedmypocketpasta
Wait, if the taco shell won't crack...how do I eat it?
AAGR
Shove it up ur ass and buy some real tacos from a taco cart
thiscityisdead
I signed in to upvote this after not signing in for months out of laziness.
oopsIdroppedmypocketpasta
This is why I prefer soft tacos.
Squirreljas
Spiders hate peppermint oil, but it's also very bad for cats! Just beware cat owners.
RumbleDog
who measures water in ouces?! cmon whats that in ml you fuck
BananaBro
Honey sure is nice but I hear Codeine works too
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
also whiskey to the face
SauceBot
Learning is the act of acquiring new, or modifying and reinforcing, existing knowledge, behaviors, skills, values, or preferences and may in
Vekete
God damn, I love how absolutely useless you are SauceBot.
SauceBot
volve synthesizing different types of information.
radicalcat
I, too, lose a lot of small ponytails.
uRB4N
That police app may get you killed during gang initiation season. Should at least say "don't use between May and August."
Briandavi
Wait, did people really need to be told not to try and smash a bee on your skin?
Greypuppy
Most people who slap bees are going to keep doing it as a reflex anyway.
commissionerofbuttstuff
Okay 9gag, I'd like to see any amount of honey do the same things to my body as 8 oz of robitussin
dav3nasty
Honey, lemon, rum/whiskey, cinnamon, and tea. We call them hot totties. Mostly for sore throat but can help with cough too.
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
Or 16 oz of whiskey. Aint nobody coughing after 16 oz of whiskey.
SAIKOsean
Probably because they're passed out.
sparklewildfire
To be fair, there is no good evidence for any cough medicines being any better than placebo. Except your codeine/heroin of course.
Lightfinder100
Why is "to be fair" always followed by some wild and inaccurate claim.
sparklewildfire
Oh, don't mind me. I'm just a pharmacist of ten years experience with an interest in OTC evidence based medicine. What do I know, eh?
Lightfinder100
Yes everyone on the internet has ten years of experience in every field..
SithElephant
Cellphones _CAN_NOT_ call emergency in the UK with no SIM.
Paramike
Really? Here in The Netherlands 112 is always available even without SIM.
Jeccu
Same in Finland.
SithElephant
... " contains a SIM card." - this was due to continuing pressure from the police that it would cause false calls.
SithElephant
You can make calls if you have a SIM from any network in - even if it's got no signal due to the emergency roaming agreement.
smittywjmj
Sure you're using the right number? Remember, it's 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3.
smittywjmj
And somewhat ironically, the song does actually make it easier to remember.
theHuskySparrow
I see you, 9gag
SolveTheCipher
hopethisisarelevantname
Several times, in fact.
ChuletaGrapes
Shoooo no Mas "9gag"
tinymeow
running bacon under cold water will substantially increase grease popping & the potential for burns
Pinkishu
Them burns from the bacon in the oven
the8ocho
Every time I run my bacon under cold water I experience major shrinkage. Huehue
QueenOfTheTamazons
And I call bull on the 10 min bacon. Always takes me longer than that to bake. It's closer to 20 at 400 to get it crispy.
mu6iwaraluffy
I usually do it for 20 @ 350 to get that slightly crisp, yet still moist/chewy flavor. The bacon melts in your mouth.
SwagicalYololord
That's how bacon is supposed to be. Golden color and the fat cooked just enough so it melts in your mouth but isn't burned black.
Peetza
Also why cool bacon with water when you can just... cook it straight from the fridge?
Stuebydoo
Just buy good quality bacon instead. Also oven baking bacon is the best thing in the fucking world ever! I use a stone dish instead 1/2
Stuebydoo
2/2 as it makes for easier clean up than metal because you can scrub the shit out of it with whatever you want to clean it
captainricecannon
As law enforcement,do not use the police scanner advice. plenty of people out there who want to kill cops for street cred + you're unarmed
Jamesstin
Lmao you're insane
RedEyesChamp
Instructions unclear. Gave a blowjob to a bee and locked myself out of my house.
UmVtZW1iZXJUaGVOYW1l
Well at least you didn't do all that and lose your key and phone too, like I did.
beegobuzz
ᴰᵘᵈᵉ⋅⋅⋅
incaseiwannacomment
User name checks out
ZachWinstead
So how was it?
beegobuzz
ˢᵉᵉᶦᶰᵍ ᵃˢ ʰᵒʷ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᑫᵘᵉᵉᶰ, ᵈᵘᵈᵉ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵗᶦᶰᵍᵉʳ⋅ ᴬᶫᶫ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶦʳ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵃʳᵏ﹗
FocacciaIsLife
Found the honeysexual.
talenphillips
Then obviously you had a good time and it was worth it.
IOnlyCommentForPoints
ha.
internetuser
I love that the person in the razor one is wearing a bandaid..they still fucked up and cut themself despite this AMAZING lifehack
dkdao
I feel truly blessed that all I have to do is remove the razor blade. I personally enjoy de safety razors.
Bentarmbenny
Probably cut themselves trying to force a razor into a bull clip.
ImMuddy
I noticed the bandaid and knew it would be first comment. I love you sons of a bitches!!!
CarlosOfNightvale
I've cut a chunk out of my finger with a razor before accidentally and I feel their pain
Chrichelle
I was kinda annoyed with this one... The Gillette razor that is shown generally comes with its own little holder.
Greypuppy
I was wondering about that! All the razors I have at my place already have safety guards over the blades. They clip on and everything...
jenitlz
I was literally about to post this exact comment ROFL
vinnnychase
What happens when I lose my phone AND my keys?
iforgotmyusernamejustonce
That's when you move on to getting your shit together!
Lightfinder100
You give up.
MilkSteakBoiledOverHardAndYourFinestJellyBeansRaw
Who the fuck eats an unbaked taco shell with no cheese? That is a life not worth living
SweetBabyJesusBaconFlavoredNutellaMountainDewApplePieMooQuack
I do, I'm lactose intolerant. Unless you want to smell the worst gas ever, don't give me cow milk products. I can have goat milk products.
MilkSteakBoiledOverHardAndYourFinestJellyBeansRaw
But it's delicious. I don't care if you fart. I'll love you anyway
SweetBabyJesusBaconFlavoredNutellaMountainDewApplePieMooQuack
It is delicious, I agree. I choose not too, it makes me feel like (or) shit for a good 6 hours. Even one tiny bite.
MilkSteakBoiledOverHardAndYourFinestJellyBeansRaw
I saw lactose free milk the other day. Is cheese available without lactose
SweetBabyJesusBaconFlavoredNutellaMountainDewApplePieMooQuack
I saw the ingredients in them, so many questionable ingredients to make it "Lactose Free." I just drink almond milk, and have goat cheese.
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
High five long ass username!
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
Real tacos are bought off a cart at 1am, only have meat and cilantro, and are fucking amazing. cheese has no place on tacos. get a burrito.
DidItForScience
There's a whole world of tacos you seem to be unaware of. The meat/cilantro/onion street taco is just a simple one of many.
Rubberbootninja
What if you hate cilantro... what then? Just delicious meat?
MilkSteakBoiledOverHardAndYourFinestJellyBeansRaw
Don't be a philistine. Cheese has a place on every food
dontyouknowimlupe
Super allergic to mint and now very afraid people will use that trick and I'll die. Also, am I a spider?
finallystoppedlurkingonimgur
You might be a mouse
Twinklepot
Thought you were more of a wolf ...
xeno77
It's not unlikely. . .
RomeoSniper
You're a spider Harry.
dontyouknowimlupe
As long as I'm not a hairy spider!
IAmNotAWitch
It's possible...
dontyouknowimlupe
Knew it!
WisdomPlaytime
♪ ♫ ♬ Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a spider can, LOOK OUT here comes the Spider Man ♪ ♫ ♬
dontyouknowimlupe
Uh... This spider has the "kibbles and bits" of a woman.
iConfirmAnythingAndEverything
I thought you were lupe
Mavgurian
It's never lupe.
Chrichelle
Yeah, Lupe the spider!
dontyouknowimlupe
Identity crisis!
oranjes
Exercise can be considered sex?
HeinrichDBag
3 minutes of rapid barbell curls with one arm doesn't count.
ABillionDucks
It has the same effect on me, after I do either I end up crying in the shower for 20 minutes.
hotrats
Only if it lasts more than 5 minutes, so in your case...
oranjes
not even mad. that got me so good. justlikeurmom
OneDayIllBeRelevant
I like the keys <--> phone idea, but what if I just lose my whole pants?
aCatfishNamedKitty
Tile is simpler
chimpo64
your shirt will find them!
DaShaka9
Then you're probably drunk, sleep it off.
twistthenoodles
Been there done that. Literally lost my jeans in a studio apartment for two months. Drunk me is really good at hiding things.
OmnibusLatinName
Man, drunk you is a jerk
twistthenoodles
One of the times I had hella money in those jeans too. Drunk me is just cruel.
ImNotGayBut20BucksIs20Bucks
Oddly enough this has happened to me....more than once
MissSpaceFace
My friend once got his jeans stolen on a festival. Went to sleep in the tent with them on, woke up and they were just gone.Never found them.
masterwanderer
Wear suspenders AND a belt
Killertom63
HTC have the HTC Fetch, it's 50% smaller and doesn't require you to have a case on your phone.
Ariltongadottir
Have sex and be happy again!
randymarshmallow
No clue, I've only ever lost half my pants
mmmmarygray
ask a friend to call your phone, then use the phone to find the keys
whatevsies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG3HrXcIwcA
Enpsychopedia
Natural selection.
zeradeth
I think at that point you'd have more pressing issues than finding your phone or keys. Like figuring out how you lost your pants.
queenelizabeth
"My whole pants"
Wodenifferous
Just... the whole pants. Like with a fork.
queenelizabeth
"I accidentally the whole thing
Souljunk
I witnessed a person suck a bee into their mouth trying this one
?1
Jeccu
They didn't know the difference of sucking and blowing, did they?
Souljunk
The excuse given was he needed air for a big blow
ButtonsAreForPushing
Said it before, I'll say it again - you bake bacon for 10 min at 365, what you're gonna get is uncooked, flaccid bacon. Try 425 for 20 min.
HeinrichDBag
If you rub it for 5 minutes it won't be flaccid.
shutupjennifer
asking for a friend
shutupjennifer
Do you have to turn it or anything?
ButtonsAreForPushing
TBH, it'll depend on your oven and the quality/thickness of your bacon. Try it out. Just check it ever few min after 10. Also...(1of2)
ButtonsAreForPushing
(2or2)....make sure your pan has adequate lip so you don't get grease runoff and start a fire. Baked bacon is best bacon.....
ButtonsAreForPushing
One more thing - if you want to be a boss, use thicker cut uncured bacon and sprinkle it with black pepper and a l'il cayenne or brown sugar
SweetBabyJesusBaconFlavoredNutellaMountainDewApplePieMooQuack
A magnet close to an electrical system. You must love your electrician.
brickmaster32000
Fun fact your electrical system is always in close contact to a magnet. It is called the Earth and it does jack shit to it.
snufl
As an electrician, gluing a small magnet to the faceplate of a light switch will do literally nothing.
[deleted]
[deleted]
SweetBabyJesusBaconFlavoredNutellaMountainDewApplePieMooQuack
More money for you, let the natural selection do its job.
Californiaburritosareamazinghaveyoueverhadone
As another electrical apprentice, don't.
baturro
Yeah, why not?
98Problems
Why not?
CaptainFishstick
They also think the pull out rol out outlet is a good idea. Keeps the walls nice and warm though when rolled up and in use :']
jandeeg
How 'bout those with USB outlets built in them? Don't they get warm all of the time (my chargers get extremely warm to the touch)?
CaptainFishstick
Damnit, flipped my phone and lost all my text 1 moment
CaptainFishstick
1/4 That's normal that the chargers get warm, I assume you're living in The Netherlands or Belgium because of your name. The charger has a
CaptainFishstick
2/4 circuit which transforms the AC 230v to DC 5v, this process generate heat. You can charge your phone on a USB ofcourse but it takes much
CaptainFishstick
3/4 longer since USB 2.0 output is only 500mA and USB 3.0 900mA. Charging your phone through the wall outlet is fasted way. But always