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This was taken in 2005 or so. At this point, Jacquie had Pick's Disease, but it had been misdiagnosed as menopause. She would be about 48 here.
On the beach, around 2010. Lots of Jacquie around. She can't remember too much hough.
2010 again. Riding on the back of dad's motorbike was one of her favourite things to do. She got quite terrified when the helmets were on, but once moving had a blast. This had to stop in 2011, when an on-bike paranoia attack nearly caused an accident.
Beach-time walks. Weight is falling off. Conversation is non-existent.
The birth of her first grandchild. She had been looking forward to being a grandmother for years.
Still knows how to party. #yolo.
Cuddles with her 14 month old grandson. He's very careful with her, knows she's special.
She doesn't walk very much anymore. And she has lost a large amount of weight.
Fun times at the beach. She's 58 here. Her eyes aren't always open, and if they are, she's staring into the void.
Sometimes we'll move to her to beanbags on the floor.
She still smiles and laughs sometimes. I have no idea why. I really hope she dies soon.
*EDIT: 2016 Update: http://imgur.com/a/72caA
robingal1
Thank you for that last line. that sort of honesty is not often seen or heard.
theonlycuregirl
I helped take care of my aunt for ten years. I understand the last line.
Sarkill
This makes me sad.
EldreshSaenz
My heart goes out to you OP. She looks extremely cared for, thank you for that.
fleishdawg
Damn. That last line.
CutJewel
We buried my Grammy in February. We lost her 10 years ago.
CutJewel
Sorry, forgot to add: As hard as it is, I really understand that last line
IDoItForTheFakeInternetPoints
I'm sorry OP. :/
PSIhateyou
Damm. What an ordeal for everyone involved. Last line hit like a truck...Just...sorry.
jacksparrah
Holy Hell that's scary, OP. She's the same age as my mom. I always joke about her losing her memory... I don't think I'll do that anymore...
McKavian
Actually, you need to - sometimes humor is the only weapon you have to hold the sadness back. Be serious when needed, too.
Korhal2005
That last line may seem dark or harsh. But until you live with someone you love that has had that happen you won't understand.
Aceso
This is why people need to have conversations about death & quality of life, even though they are uncomfortable. She can't specify her (1)
Aceso
wishes if she hasn't already b/c she would not be mentally competent. Could not make a DNR, etc. My heart goes out to OP. Slow death is hard
TheMotherFuckingYuko
We were instructed that once she reached a certain point a DNR was to be put in place and no measures would be taken to save her. It helps.
TheMotherFuckingYuko
After a certain point, it's not terribly hard for the family to make that decision for you, but once my grandma realized she had ALZ she did
harleyran94
This is why euthanasia should be legal
IPutRedBullInMyCoffeeNowICanHearColors
Damn. That last statement :'( I totally get it though.
CorvusBelli
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should all write a living will. Make decisions for yourself while you still can.
mijiza
Sadly the only thing you can do is take your own life before you lose so much of your mind you can't remember. NY times had an article 1/2
mijiza
following a woman's story who did this: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/magazine/the-last-day-of-her-life.html
MoreMemesLessPolitics
As a health care provider who works specifically with alzheimers/dementia patients, sometimes you do hope they pass soon. It's not a life
sykotic1189
Sorry to hear that OP. My grandmother has Huntingtons disease. Very similar, I know the heartbreak.
hugh705
My dad died of Pick's in 2013, that last line is nothing but the truth.
tojothethief
My dad is 61 and has dementia. It's really hard. I am 24 with no family and had to put him in a home. :(
urseppos
:( Sorry to hear mate, keep positive if you can.
theeverythingburrito
I'm sorry. You did the right thing.
hippopoopamoose
I was an only child from a single mother. My mom died from a brain tumor 5 yes ago. She didn't recognize me in the final days before passing
Jdonkay
I'm so sorry. I have a feeling my 55 year old father might be developing something like this, he has a hard time remembering some things :/
HeyFreckleFace
Its really tough especially when you're young, message if you ever need to talk.
saminam
Me too. Been there, around your age. You will never regret this time, hard as it may seem.
ian9outof10
You did the right thing. People with dementia are a real danger to themselves and need 24 hour care in proper homes.
nkaplan89
I feel you man. Was the only one to really help my mother while she had her strokes. Being a caretaker Is the hardest thing I've ever done.
thatonestuckpieceofglitter
I was 19 when I began to care full-time for my family with alzheimer's. Feel free to message me or Skype anytime. I'm Here.
BigBun
Your entire family have alz? Damn...
ApertureScienceBitch
I don't know why you got down voted for that.
mooturtil
if its a good home they will take good care of him, stay regular with visits. you did the right thing.
Slackjaw
Hey, never feel guilty for doing what you know is best for someone you love.
KatehasaBlog
I''m in the same boat. Message if you need an ear, okay? I can actually say I know how You feel, but I'm so sorry you're going through it
Amalthea22
<>
nkaplan89
Please message me if you need someone to talk to.
eromitlab
My dad ended up the same way. Mom hung on caring for him as long as she could, even after a 2nd heart attack. Let me know if I can help.
ellmitchell
That's rough :( you're strong
chemistrycat421
Hey, if you still use imgur can you message me? What were the first signs that things were slipping?
MikeAruba
I work as a CNA and also had a grandmother pass recently who was suffering from alzheimer's. If you ever need to ask a question feel free.
asphikenna
And that's ok. We had to put my grandma in a home and luckily the dementia kept her from hating it because she didn't know any different...
asphikenna
That's the best and worst part of alzheimers/dementia. They don't remember anything, so they don't realize where they are.
Aedankt
The Last Sentence... So many feels to feel.
dairios
It was kinda the same thing with my great gran... Alzheimers and Dementia. She would phone early in the morning and forget who she called or
dairios
why. She could hardly string together more than a few words... and then she just kinda went silent. She didn't suffer long, but it hurt :<
hjf2011
this is exactly what happened with my grandmother. For the sake of my mother i used to think the same thing. She passed. In my mother's arms
anunladeneuropeanswallow
Who wants a ride on the feels train?
penguinsinmyhead
My grandmother had early-onset alzheimers. Apparently that type is more apt to run in families. I am normally scatterbrained and tend to 1/2
penguinsinmyhead
forget things and lose track of things. I'm terrified. 2/2
mynameisnotandy
I am the exact same way. My mother and aunt both had early onset. I tell myself it's stress and try to work on managing that. But who knows.
mijiza
You can be tested for the gene. My grandfather-in-law was the only one of 7 siblings to not have it/die from it. He just had to know 1/2
mijiza
if he should prepare himself for it in the future. He didn't want to leave it up to change or miss signs.
13Alpha
Don't feel guilty! You are normal for feeling this way.
Brightandshiny
Dementia is a sad and terrifying disease, my heart goes out to you & your family
cantcatchmeimthegingerbeardman
I cant think of many things more terrifying than being a prisoner in your own body, your mind slowly slipping away, I'm sorry OP
Hybris51129
This is why despite my own religion I support abortion for the babies born with mental and physically handicaps. Anything else is monstrous.
philcollinsdrumbreakdown
This type of dementia is thought of as being outside of that experience, because you don't know you're slipping away.
sirpipthegreat
My dog had similar. She enjoyed smelling the flowers every lap around the yard just like it was her first time. I found it rather blissful.
broedrost
Dementia ward nurse here. They really don't know what's happening to them. It's the relatives who suffer.
swatz
I agree,had a friend's father with ALS, that was terrifying to watch, and insanely difficult on the family, primarily b/c they cared so much
spicepoet
My pain levels were so high my speech and cognition were inhibited. Was trapped inside for two years like that. It's hell. I wish her peace.
ackbob
She may not be aware that life has changed. Her self identity may very well be dead and she is an entirely new person. (Not literally new..)
MortyofC137
This of often not the case until the very end with most types of dementia.
Sable3000
Check out 'Johnny Got His Gun'
LunaChic
That's one of my biggest fears.
SexDrugsBirdsandRocknRoll
Told my SO that if I get like this I want him to kill me. That's not how I want my life to be and it terrifies me to think about
RuneKatashima
Even if you tell us it's still so hard. Because once you're gone you're definitely gone.
SexDrugsBirdsandRocknRoll
What really freaks me out is seeing when they have those moments of clarity, and knowing that they are still in there, a tiny bit
chiswatilla
That seems a whole lot to ask of your SO. Would hate it to be in their position.
SexDrugsBirdsandRocknRoll
We have that kind of relationship, thankfully :) I can trust him with absolutely anything.
MrPCNerd
I can become crippled and wheelchair bound so long has I have my mind and voice.
shbaker927
As a hospice caregiver for a friend with ALS, can confirm. Worst. Thing. Ever.
monkeyputz
A Pink Floyd song come to life. Or vice-versa. Powerful, powerful, powerful reminder of how fragile we are. (Sting)
whiskey16sam
Being mentally there in a body that can't do a damn thing, stuck to machines. That's my fear.
keeganrms
Homie, those new bionic legs are actually pretty dope.
cpizzle44
I work in a vent home and have a guy here who has ALS. Hes so smart. Has degrees in sciences. Very funny man. I adore him. Breaks my heart.
superblue64
Stephen Hawking?
cpizzle44
No he doesnt have als. I cant remember what he has at the moment
superblue64
Yes he does. http://www.americanscientist.org/science/pub/how-has-stephen-hawking-lived-to-70-with-als
UnexpectedItemInBaggingArea
My grandmother has Parkinson's disease, she was a geologist who met my grandfather while they worked on RADAR during WWII. You can still see
UnexpectedItemInBaggingArea
that intelligence behind her eyes but she can barely talk these days. It breaks my my heart but it must be soul destroying for her.
cpizzle44
Im so sorry :-(
RhiannonStarsinger
My best beloved is in a care facility with ALS and can no longer speak. Wish we could get him an eye tracking control for his laptop.
djknitex
So true... I'm using what you said in one of my songs. Wrote it down in my notebook with your name next to it so i don't forget
cantcatchmeimthegingerbeardman
Well i dont really know what to say to that, im flattered. Thank you
djknitex
Hey thanks for the reply, now this will be way easier to remember! And my new mixtape will be spoken word, so I think it will fit :)
cthulucucumber
It's such a beautiful day.
sandyposs
I believe in the afterlife, and this scares me most, because it's just a no-man's land between point A and point B. I would want to die.
Imactuallysatanindisguise
Im 18 and I was recently diagnosed with ALS (last month). Everyone says stay positive but tbh I'm terrified of being trapped in my own body.
rickeyspanish
I would be too. hopefully its the slower progressing one like Hawkings has?
YumKat
I know it's hard, but u have to enjoy the rest of ur life. Maybe a life where ur trapped with fear is worst. I Wish u courage & happiness !
IsuckAsthis
I know this will sound horrible but have you thought of getting a DNR and doing up an advanced directive? They can save a lot of pain later
SuperJere
((Hugs))
geekymetalicafan
I have Paranoid Schizophrenia, I can tell you going crazy and knowing somethings wrong but being afraid of seeking help you know you need is
geekymetalicafan
a special kind of hell people ask me why I don't like horror movies anymore. The short answer is when you live through that kind of crazy
geekymetalicafan
Any horror movie just seems so tame and stupid.
caitynd
Also a paranoid schizophrenic. This exactly.
mycatnamedjeff
I appreciate the blunt honesty of that last line. I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
eggmuffin
I didn't feel bad for wanting my granddad to die for his own sake. I felt bad for wanting him to die for my sake. He consumed all my time.
austenbronte
Those are very valid feelings. The guilt and the desire of that wish can tear you apart. Don't let it. You are human. Give yourself a break
matthevv9801
Visiting my great grandmother at the home had me feeling the same way. She had no idea who I was and kept saying "help me".
Smushalush
As someone who lost both their grandparents to alzheimers... this is definitely a scenario where they are in a better place.
MastersOfTexMex
Agreed. So often the caregiver doesn't get a chance to share their conflicting feelings about who the person WAS and the shell they are now
LordELord
totally agree. my nan's been like this since 2010. change her diapers 4x a day, she doesnt remember who i am. it just doesnt help the heart
scarierspice
I guess I can say that we were lucky. I think it started in my Nana around 09, but got bad about 2-3 years ago, she passed away Nov 2013
kackied
I know how you feel. Hit me up if you ever need to chat
nkaplan89
Shit man. That's some real shit. Being a caretaker Is the worst thing in the world and the best feeling in the world. Feel free to messageme
LordELord
"the worst thing in the world and the best feeling in the world" that so gets it, it's perfect.
nkaplan89
My mother had a bad stroke. As her caretaker it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.
synapticprogression
Bless you for doing that.
TheDemonCrowley
Shit, I'm so sorry. I'll be here to talk if you need to.
gamebrain89
I felt the same with my grandma. I was sad, but relieved. I still hate myself sometimes for feeling that way.
Tinypeeperchick
My grandma is 90 and much is similar to this scenario.It really is painful seeing her as a shell of who she was.
nikkipokemonmaster
My grandmother died last August after years with Parkinson's and dementia. I felt so guilty being relieved when she died. Everyone cried 1/2
straightcreepen
My Grandma had cancer (breast and then metastasized in the spine years later) and the last few years were rough. We cried, but were relieved
nikkipokemonmaster
But I was just happy is was over. My family thought I was awful because I didn't cry. 2/2
Corrodias
Your family was awful for judging someone for grieving in a different way. I could say very unflattering things about them now, but won't...
austenbronte
It seems cold but you had already said goodbye long ago. I too felt relief when my grams died after years of not recognizing anyone.
MasterNameless
I did something similar with my grandmother and great grandmother, heard they were dying some time before and so when they did I had no 1/2
MasterNameless
more tears to cry, just relief and happiness that their suffering was over.
HogwartsAlumnus
My grandpa died from complications of Parkinson's about 12 or 13 years ago. We knew it was time. He died when nobody was in the room. 1/2
HogwartsAlumnus
it hurt, but nothing like watching my fun and active grandpa dissolve into an armchair for ten years. I miss him still. For 20 years now...
nikkipokemonmaster
My grandmother also died when no one was in the room. The hospice nurse stepped out for 10 minutes, and that was when she went.
buttholepirates
There comes a point when you have to stop being selfish to help those you love the most...that last line delivered those feelings flawlessly
FreddieBW
Considering your username that was beautiful
ellmitchell
That last line hurt.
berkshire27
My grandma's respirations were 90 seconds apart in her last hour, every time she gasped for more air I got more upset. I wanted it to end
[deleted]
[deleted]
[deleted]
[deleted]
3654798521
Read Still Alice.
puddlejumper
There are fates worse than death...
daelith
I watched my great aunt gasp for breath for three days before she went. At some point, you just want their pain to stop.
PaigeTrail
This....all of this....
KiwiJesus
Nah. As someone who works on ambos, death is a blessing for quite a lot of people.
AbzM
I hope you're dad's alright, the pictures show smiles covering up the sadness he's really gonna need you when the time comes
Ewokwithastickgif
When my mom passed after an 8 year decline it was like finally breathing after almost a decade.
Amalthea22
<>
nkaplan89
It made my heart drop with sadness. I can't imagine being in that situation.My mom made me promise not to let her become a vegetable.
GeorgeD123
O
KingoftheIntroverts
I had a great-grandma with Alzheimer's, she ended up forgetting *everything* for the last year or so of her life. I don't know about 1/2
KingoftheIntroverts
souls and all that, but I think *she* was gone before her body died.... Crushingly sad to see her and know she was gone. 2/2
DezTurkish
I thought the same thing last September when my grandma's health was fading from her dementia. She died in November. It was sad but...
RebelJane
My grandfather is 5 years into full time care because of a stroke he had. He can't talk but can understand us, seeing the pain in his eyes..
RebelJane
.I have been wishing the same thing that line says for 5 years now. I know he wouldn't want to be kept alive like this.
[deleted]
[deleted]
McKavian
You are not terrible for wanting her to not be in pain any more.
saleenowner
Both of my two aunts went through this. I loved them so much, but I can tell you that some days...That last line was very true. :'(
ellmitchell
Not judging the thought but damn that's rough.
POTUSBrown
I've gone through that feeling with two pets, you comfort them as much as you can, and hope they go before it hurts to much.
GigglesMaster
But I can understand the pain... It's so much worse to be alive like that than to go on..
althanan
My grandfather spend 14 months degrading in a care facility. By the end of that, as much as it hurt to think of, the whole family felt that.
darkjimmy102
My grandma was the same way, she lived till 90 and had a great life. Her husband died in his 50s, it was time for her too see him again. :)
ellmitchell
My brother died of cancer but his decline was so rapid I spent most of the time in denial, even though I knew death would be better for him
althanan
After a certain point, there's just too much pain with no upside, and the good days really aren't very good. It's just the best thing left.
RamirezGoDoEverything
Our grandpa was the same, except he spent years in a care facility. Tough farmboy couldn't quit living. Luckily dementia didn't set in (1/2)
RamirezGoDoEverything
until the last year or so, but it was painful to watch him waste away like that. He died in his sleep and was buried next to my grandma(2/2)
Jcclark122
I have conflicting emotions about that last sentimence
ivegotnothin
My girlfriend and my best friend are both losing their fathers to alzheimers right now. They're both forced to live at home with them (1/2)
ivegotnothin
to take care of them. My girlfriend had to leave school, my friend is near 50 and can't go out to get a real job because he has to (2/3)
ivegotnothin
constantly be there in order to take care of his father. I've heard both of them say that they wished their own father was dead. Truth (3/4)
ivegotnothin
of the matter is that they are gone. There's nothing left, but the remains linger and create a living hell for those left behind to (4/5)
ivegotnothin
care for them. I fully understand the wish for release, especially since they're haunted by the corpse of those they once cared for. (5/5)
Crittathelion
I remember my grandma telling us she was ready to go. It doesn't have to be cruel. It was a sad relief when she died.
Jcclark122
My great grandmother thought my cousin was a burgular trying to steal her own baby... So it has its funny times in with the bad
Keleesi
I can't imagine a more terrifying point of existence than that point where you know your mind is going but it isn't gone yet.
redjay12
That's what it's like when a psychotic episode is starting in schizophrenia/ mania, when you know you're becoming someone else
Keleesi
Wow I never thought about it like that, how scary that must be.
justmagicalgirlthings
Ever read Flowers for Algernon? I can't recommend it enough, but be prepared for hardcore feels. Different circumstances but came concept
banjelerp
Flowers for Algernon fucked me up something fierce.
RetConMan
Pretty sure that's why Terry Pratchett "died of natural causes" a couple years after diagnosis.
CreepyPhlox
I'm curious to know how aware she is of her condition though.
Keleesi
By this point I'd bet minimal if any awareness, I just meant towards the beginning of her illness before fully deteriorating.
rotifergirl
I think I'd hate it more if my body was degenerating but my mind was still 100% there
Keleesi
Yeah that would also suck total balls like with ALS or MS
guenwyver
MS will eventually take a lot of your mind too. Or it did for my uncle. In just a couple of years he lost a lot