If only you knew how much I miss you

I need to let this out

This photo is one of my first friends who I made in the army. His name is Brandon Buttry. I met him at during the future solider training that new recruits have to do every week before they ship out for basic. Brandon to say the least was unique he had a certain quirk to him. Always smiling, laughing and being silly. He lived in Iowa but yet was recruited in Nebraska and did the training there. Never the less he went through hours of travel to get to the recruiting office. We became decent friends and he always gave me crap because I was shipping out for basic before he was. I never knew the impact that this man would have on my life.

PFC Brandon Buttry

Brandon came from a really big family of adopted brother and sisters. He was the oldest of 9 children. From what he told me while grabbing food a few times it seemed that he had good relations with his family. Brandon wanted nothing more than to be an 11B (combat infantry). I shipped of for basic a few days before he did in January of 2012. Both of us would graduate from training and move on to our duty stations. I was in Korea and he was Stateside. We kept in contact via Facebook.

Brandon later told me excitedly he was going to deploy overseas to Kandahar, Afghanistan. I was happy for him but as a solider I knew what lay ahead to an extent so I had mixed emotion. We kept in contact but as busy lives we led it was hit and miss for the conversations. Brandon used me quite alot to vent his problems in Afgan. I tried to help as best as I could.

Our conversations were hit and miss due to our busy lives. In January of 2013 while scrolling through my messages i noticed it has been since November 2012 I spoke to him so I went on his page. Then I saw the message saying how God loves you etc and then I goggled his name.

His family on the day of his body being picked up

Brandon Buttry Died November 5 2012 at the age of 19. I cried and cried and cried till I ran out of tears. I was pouring through websites trying to find info. I found Brandon had a non combat related death and his DOD post was vague. It didn't make sense.

I found an article by his uncle stating that he was the last one to talk to Brandon and that everything was ok on November 4.

But this is my side of the story.

I was the last one to talk to Brandon that wasn't in his unit not his uncle. I found the messages on Facebook pouring through them as tears stream down my face. Brandon died in a guard tower. His last message was got to go I have guard tower duty.

Brandon being escorted out of the plane

What they didnt know is there is someone who he vented all his problems to. From his squadmates picking on him, how his life was living hell, how he got injured, how he cant get medical care. I listen to it. I was his friend because he dint have any others it seemed there.

I read the conversations from that night and I lost it. I had the piece that I was looking for.

I am 99.9% positive Brandon took his own life.

He never said suicide to me but then again I never did ask. But when I looked back at the conversations I had with Brandon it screamed it in my face but I was blind.

Homecoming

A marine who had 2 suicides that he had to work directly gathering info for the command team told me that they give full honors for soldiers who take their lives.

So many nights after that I cried and cried. I couldn't even save my own friend. He had so much and a family that loved him and I hate my relatives and had little. So many nights my mind would be in pain thinking about it all. I scoured every part of the internet I could hoping that there was another reason for his death. But the clues kept leading up to suicide. My friend killed himself and I was the last one to speak with him. I was at that point freaking certified as a suicide preventer in the Army. I took classes to save people and yet I couldn't see the signs.

Day Of the Funeral

Death hurts. But having someone you care about take their own life hurts like no other. Even more so when the person that he trusted took 2 months to find out about the death. I have so much survivors guilt. Right now I am holding back tears thinking about it all. I was unable to say goodbye. I wanted nothing more to be there in person and at least say goodbye. I wish I could be there to pay you proper respects.

Full Military Honors

The pain and suffering that this caused was a leading factor in me attempting to take my own life. I knew the impact his death had on my life but I just wanted it all to end. I couldn't live with myself and the fact that I failed. I had to be hospitalized. To this day it still haunts me and pains me.

Flags all the way home

Brandon,
I dont know if you realized how much people cared about you. I mean hell I wasn't the best at showing emotions. But you taught me so much. Through your vents and trials you were still yourself smiling and acting like life was easy. You taught me the values of life. You were my friend when I lost my family. When you left you had an impact on my life. My birthday will never be the same because its so close to memorial day and I miss you. You took that when you left. You took Veterans day from me too when you left because your death was so close to that date. You took a part of my heart with you when you left because you trusted me. You took my mental sanity when you left. I still have not recovered from it and its been 3 years. Brandon I wonder if you would have still gone through it if you knew how much pain i still fell. How many nights I cried. How many times I tried to take my own life to numb it all. I needed you.

Laid to Rest

Though Brandon left this world and the pain he inflicted on me...it changes nothing. Brandon is still a hero in my eyes. He was deployed, did stuff that I could never do. Unless you are in the inside you will never know what a solider goes through on deployment. You will always have my utmost respect and gratitude for what you did for this country and teaching me a hard lesson in life

We miss you

The brutal pain of his parents laying their son in the grave. See the raw painful emotion. See how their lives will never be the same. This is pain. This is the reality of it all

Now you see why lives matter. Your life matters. You have an impact on everyone you meet. There is help out there. There are people that care. I have been hospitalized 4 times for trying to kill myself. Suicide is not the answer. For the love of everything that is good don't take your life. I opened up this chapter in my life to show you what is like to be a survivor. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Trust me I know what is like to want to end it all and when that option is the best. Suicide only transfers the pain to someone else. Please Stay Alive and fight for another day.

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A SIGN NOT TO KILL YOURSELF THIS IS IT.

Rest In Peace Buddy

I will always miss yah and hopefully someday I will heal. Till that day comes I will keep fighting and I will do my best to keep someone else from taking their life. Hopefully this story will help me heal and help stop someone else from doing the same. I miss you Brandon.

Love,
-B