mustbethedragon
64068
2834
97
Nov 10, 2020 2:31 AM
mustbethedragon
64068
2834
97
JustAnotherCynicToo
I'm good with this. Where can I pick up one of these "wives" you speak of?
DIINKELBERG
Im in.... problem is, my beard is just to weak. I swear, i have hair on my chest that you can braid, but my beard is just pathetic
allihearisnoise
ITS LIKE IDEAS OF MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY ARE SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS or something...
Grybush
TIL I'm a viking
Wowter99
Shouldn't female Vikings be called Viqueens?
mustbethedragon
I like this.
CrimsonReaper1985
And what of us who have no wife and cannot grow a decent beard? Just curious, oh and I’m cool w/the perfume. Nothing wrong w/smelling good.
fiddlewheelx
And you should bathe at least once a week.
LurkerOfDarkness
And wash and groom yourself every day.
KillingTlme
Stupid Vikings and their weekly baths and perfumes stealing all our british hotties
TheDoctorIsInside
I agree, let's be more like the Vikings.
ChickenBLickiens
vikings didn't have a store called target. those mother fuckers would be broke as fuck otherwise.
Ireadmanga
Thats how my household is ran... math is witchcraft
Colopty
Also fun detail: If a viking came home from a raid to find their wife had gotten a kid with another man, they considered it a good thing, \1
Colopty
because that means they got a free kid. Was practically hitting the jackpot back then. \2/2
whocanPelican
Cats were common Viking wedding gifts!
mustbethedragon
Heck yeah! Sign me up!
JustDontCare
Eh, I'm not into the ritualistic killings to appease the gods.
AnAverageAverageGuy
All I can say is: praise Odin!
Gryphonosiris
Praise to the All Father!!!
PackardGoose
I read that vikings were very clean and well groomed
robertfraser
And bathe regularly
Affaltar
Mine is barely long enough to start braiding it, and I need someone to handle my finances. I can make shields and leather gear, also cook :D
DeDeMegaDooDoo
Im game, where do i sign up?
thatshytidontlike
This thread is a hot mess
mustbethedragon
But it's entertaining me, so . . .
middleagednorwegianguy
Are you telling me there is another way?
MadeYouLookAgain
What republican said "we should live like Vikings. "? Is this an actual thing or a fun theoretical joke?
mustbethedragon
Joke to point out a ridiculous pattern of thought.
SenseiTheDefender
Bathe or no woman will have you.
GrmpyWzzrd
Of course, once a year as usual
penisjokebackfire
Vikings did it weekly, sometimes biweekly.
GrmpyWzzrd
I thought they did it more often, heard they had a wild sex life
penisjokebackfire
They did it often, considering the time. The english women apparently had crushes on several of them
keystotheairlock
It sucks that we have to keep up this refrain.
Nathanyel
https://twitter.com/erik_kaars/status/1119521714612862976
RoodKontjeAapje
Bathe and possibly still no woman will have you. But your water bill will be up, so weigh your options carefully.
EyesOnThePies
Except the ones with no functioning sense of smell. Smelly people breed, I have proof at work.
DoomsdayInterlude
Right wingers don't bathe.
InHarmsWay
I remember reading somewhere that European men hated vikings because their women loved the fact that they bathed regularly.
InHarmsWay
Found it: https://skjalden.com/vikings-seduced-women-across-europe/
MachineInterface
"Wife in charge of domestic business" has been the standard in most of Europe for over a millenium indeed. The "subservient wife who stays>
MachineInterface
at home and obeys her husband" is more like the awkward phase of the victorian/early industrial era.
Exeteri
I couldn't pay my wife to take over financial management. Ive tried.
Bassemuss
Pay an accountant. Very effective
LadyMidnightToker
Shit if it weren't for me, my hubs would have a 300 credit score. I crack the whip on paying bills on time. No credit/school debt.
Udstolpe
Then she is not a true norse.
jellyonrooster
I gave my wife my credit card to get groceries for us and our 2 year old came home 12 hours later asked what she got and said I forgot
jellyonrooster
And took a nap for 8 hours
farmersmarket
Hate to tell you but when mine did this exact same stuff, she was cheating. No job, tons of free time, cannot complete simple tasks.
somethingintangible
Well she sounds fucking useless
jellyonrooster
It was worse when she took two years off to focus on doing her own thing. Which consisted of napping and video games.
somethingintangible
Two years off of what? Sounds like she didn't do anything in the first place. Did you marry a child?
EvilDeadTed
Also Vikings had slaves. And we know Right-wingers are into that.
LurkerOfDarkness
Slavery at that time, and before was quite different from the slavery they dream of though.
mormacil
I don't think a single culture in Europe back then didn't have slaves
PostMortemRectalDischarge
Or the world. Chattel slavery was one of the worst kind, but yeah, slaves were pretty common throughout history almost everywhere.
mormacil
Yup. There some places in history with barely any slavery at all but they're incredibly rare and often only half enforced.
morrisonathome
Actually that would be the democratic party who also founded the kkk.
EvilDeadTed
Oh, that disingenuous bullshit again. For anyone else reading, the right-wing "dixiecrats" fled to the Republican party in the late 60's.
morrisonathome
So that 's what you got? The party who gave the slaves their freedom has cum full circle and are now racist? You road the retard bus eh?
EvilDeadTed
Dude. I'm not even American, but somehow I know your history better than you. Idiot.
EvilDeadTed
morrisonathome is a loser that wants to pretend that the parties are still the same as they were.
sumelar
My beard is actually long enough to braid now.
Shpielers
Mine was till I shaved it to wear a mask properly. I miss it.
DustinJL
I've always wanted to grow a beard big enough to style different ways. I'll be 24 on Jan 22nd and my facial hair is still super thin. :/
69thStPepper
Prove it
JeffGoldblum264
I have had my beard long and braided a couple times, was dope
Drlee
me too
barbarian818
Mine isn't, I've been trimming it pretty short so my mask fits better.
CountBackwardsFrom10
Omg doooo itt
sumelar
I don't know how, unfortunately. I'd probably end up tearing half my jaw off =P
ImSorryOakIllPutTheBikeAwayJustGetOutOfMyHead
Im getting there
ILikePunsMoreOrLessThanYouDo
But have you braided it yet!?
sumelar
No. Just tied it off once when I was making a birthday cake. Was a bitch to completely cover up.
Colopty
Well you better get to it then, braid that beard!
SenseiTheDefender
Just reassure us you went INTO lockdown with a beard!
sumelar
Left the navy about 5 months before covid hit, so it had been growing for a while.
ItsDandySpaceDandy
Same, but with mask restrictions I can't go to a place to have it braided. Its a pain.
Colopty
Just split it in three parts and alternate crossing the left and right one over the middle one (thus swapping which one is in the middle).
GingerLaird
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIGHgJXVrIo Here's something I found. I hope your beard turns out awesome.
ItsDandySpaceDandy
BegoniaNom
I weirdly love braiding beards. Can I braid your beard?
worldsokayestspeler
Right wing people are typically christian, the exact people that the vikings killed and robbed
evilcarp
I'm game! We can raid megachurches on the coast!
mercyPandaRunner
The exact people that were outraged by the vikings professing bodily hygiene and being to charming towards women. That was against God.
PostMortemRectalDischarge
Funny enough many European Christians also refrained from bathing for religious reasons. Explains why Japanese called them stinky barbarians
mercyPandaRunner
There is letter exchanges between Saxons ranting about Danes obsession with bathing and washing. Calling it extreme vanity.
PostMortemRectalDischarge
1/4 Benedictine monk John of Wallingford writing of the Vikings in the 13th century: “They were, according to their country’s customs,
PostMortemRectalDischarge
2/4 in the habit of combing their hair every day, to bathe every Saturday, to change their clothes frequently and to draw attention to
bazookasoup
SOME of the people they killed and robbed. They also did it to muslims, pagans, each other.. really anyone with value and lives..
Colopty
Clearly the vikings were true paragons of equality.
TheVermonster
Equal opportunity murderers.
crateo
Until they became Christian themselves and kept killing and robbing.
Matrican
Well to be fair, Harald Hardrade didn't really give us much of a choice.
bazookasoup
You mean bluetooth, right?
pip1
Hardrada was king of Norway, Bluetooth was king of Denmark
Matrican
Well from what I know, he introduced it, but didn't get much headway, Hardrade was the one that started building churches and really tried
Matrican
to convert us in Norway, think Bluetooth was more successful in Denmark where he was from and had more of a holding compared to Norway.
DocNitro
For a while, they followed both, Jesus being a carpenter, wielding a hammer pretty much was 'close enough' to Thor.
Gayforbae
You know, ive always heard that jesus was carpenter,but i dont remember any storys of him actually doing carpentry. More than handyman stuff
mormacil
He had a pretty epic final wood working project :P
Mavgurian
Well, he is born, then they skip 30+ years and suddenly he dies - actually not much to go on.
Bassemuss
They actually was told he was a man defeating death. That was something that impressed them enough to include him among their own gods
Bassemuss
Harald Bluetooth converted to Christianity after he saw the Monk Poppo, carrying a red-hot iron glove in his hands, without getting burned
pip1
Or maybe not. Like... Maybe the ressurected Christ DID appear to Paul, maybe he made it up
FloodingWaters
so basically david blaine is the only one who can accurately complain "i was born in the wrong time"
FiftyShadesOfMascarpone
They're still both. Jesus' birthday was moved to Yule / Wihen Nahten. Odin survived as Father Christmas & the German Weihnachtsmann, who ...
FiftyShadesOfMascarpone
are distinct from Saint Nicholas, but whose appearance was copied for the American Santa Claus, a hybrid of both. I mean,why would a bishop…
FiftyShadesOfMascarpone
from modern day Turkey drive a reindeer sleigh and live in the cold North? Call the jolly bearded guy Santa Claus all you want, that ...
FiftyShadesOfMascarpone
I mean, the Christians had aptly demonstrated that the commandments against killing and robbing were mere suggestions. Much of the ...
FiftyShadesOfMascarpone
killing and robbing was done by the church itself. Why act holier than the pope?
pip1
Lot of neo-fascists do try to make up pseudo-pagan creeds, tho. Basically MAGA but refering to mythologised ages of (debatable) glory
pip1
The Nazis and the Italian Fascists did it and Xi Jingping's cultural reforms have somewhat similar traits, eg --
pip1
'new incarnation of nation's glorious past', in this case the old Middle Kingdom(s).
mercyPandaRunner
'palingenetic ultranationalism' the resurrection of the founding myth and reclamation of whats 'ours by right. - Fascism
pip1
Yessir
Gryphonosiris
I find it funny that the people who idolize Vikings or Spartans know jack shit about their actual customs and beliefs.
Lambast
St.Albans Abbot: "Combing their hair, bathing, wearing fresh clothes, they were able to seduce married women and the daughters of nobles."
Lambast
What's not to idolize?
mormacil
The weirdest part is this idea that Spartans were amazing warriors. They lost the majority of every major engagement they ever fought in.
Gryphonosiris
Not even going that far, people who say "Imma Spartan!" don't know that Spartan men were pedos, and let other men sleep with their wives.
mormacil
I mean there's no historic evidence they were more pederastic then other Greeks. Even the Germanic tribes have a history of pedestry.
PostMortemRectalDischarge
They were great soldiers, but not great generals and they sucked absolute balls at nation building and anything not related to soldiering.
evilcarp
They liked to suck balls is a correct statement.
GreatOdinsTaint
Having a strong military also requires a decent navy, cavalry, and projectile weapons, which the Spartans refused to have or use.
PostMortemRectalDischarge
Yeah, that's why they were never an empire or anything more than regional curiosity.
mormacil
They were great soldiers but they were shit warriors. They also lost most personal contests. Believing individual strength was not 1/2
PostMortemRectalDischarge
I wouldn't say they were shit warriors though. They probably were good ones, but so were others. They weren't all that exceptional.
mormacil
A soldier fights in a unit, a warrior is judged on individual prowess. The weren't exceptional in the later, more average. Minor details tho
mormacil
important, the unit was all. They even lost wrestling matches to minor states. 2/2
PostMortemRectalDischarge
Yep. They were soldiers first. Not warriors.
newshoesoldfeet
I'm in. Is there a Viking lady dating site?
lickwidae9
Vikings.com
FajitaPrinceofAllMexicans
chrisallison
Oh yeah! Wait is this THE..ohp yep there it is
safespacesnowflake
I have a Viking lady, she can have a temper when I do the wrong, she also bakes a lot! Got to go, she’s coming with the horn helmet again!
AnAverageAverageGuy
Wait a minute...Viking helmets don't have horns!
paintingagency
It's a Gaulish helmet that she seized in battle after slaying many Gauls.
TheWombatStrikesAgain
He means the phallic shaped latex "horn". That's why he needs to go.
ladyjigglebutt
I am a woman of strong Nordic heritage, though my I'm 3rd generation Canadian.
TinyLiehon
Raid: Viking Ladies ... join now for free
JustAnotherVictimOfAmbientMorality
Gunnvara, looking for abbey-lit dinner & shieldwalling.
voltus
What I'd give for a vlakry for snu snu
DucklingFullOfTarantulas
Pretty sure that this point it’s this thread. We’re down with it.
TeamSpicyTacos
Sweet first date ideas! Raid churches!
IHaveABridgeToSell
Come to Finland and Tinder. Avoid the the uberfeminists and Instagram hoes and vikings is what you get. Sadly, no swords or sexy armor :(
newrae
As a Finnish female on Tinder, I now wonder in which category I fall.
paintingagency
If you swiped left on this guy, that prob makes you an "uberfeminist" :/
IHaveABridgeToSell
That would mean 99% of the country. Who hurt you?
LdaQuirm
My beard's not long enough but I'd be willing to grow it out...
coalminersknuckle
Oh god please let me find a woman who can manage money. I’m doing a terrible job.
Dutchess89
Female here. I manage my husbands money and I am 100% Terry Crews about it.
Popohans
So he is not allowed to buy a minivan, I guess.
latinvictory
I handle the flat accounts, my tip is make it easy on yourself. I averaged out the bills for a year then divide by pay days. 1/2
latinvictory
Then add $5 if you can and set it up as an auto payment as soon as your pay gets in so all the bills go out first and then budget the rest
Aaronb1138
Anecdotal / real world examples are women can manage money great when they are *solely* responsible for expenses. Our problem was US Women's
Aaronb1138
Liberation which manifested as telling women not to do STEM in favor of HR, Sales, and Social Work and that the man was still financially
Aaronb1138
responsible to be a provider to the woman and not the family unit. Women's Lib in US was sick, wrong, and hurt society; fight me.
SecretlyARedPanda
That was because women *were* doing those jobs during the war, but soldiers coming home needed jobs so women got sent back to those less 1/2
swinglinered
When and where did "Women's Lib" tell them not to do STEM? Was it implicit instead of explicit? If EX were they trying to social leverage?
Aaronb1138
Women's Lib told women repeatedly to focus on jobs where women were "better" like sales, HR, social work, and similar "soft skills" jobs.
Aaronb1138
Conversely, a cohort of men masturbating over a technological future that lets them skip over emotional growth for social acceptance instead
mustbethedragon
Can you cook?
coalminersknuckle
nickgreyden
If yall get married in, like, two years or something, I want an invite lol
mustbethedragon
I'll make a note of it.
chaosundivided
Marrying me for my curry recipe alone woukd be worth it.
mustbethedragon
Gonna need more convincing. What else you got?
chaosundivided
It's basically all downhill from there, sorry.
ChefLes
I'm a chef, may be looking for an upgrade :-p
mustbethedragon
Not much for replacing previous models, unless the previous has already been junked.
ChefLes
And that's a good call :-)
Unctrledkhaos
All Icelandic chicks are Vikings, it’s the best place to start one
RobotOverlordFromTheFuture
Also they could use the foreign genes, half of the locals are somewhat related.
mustbethedragon
Female here. I'd sign up for that app. Can't be any worse than the two apps I'm on now.
JustAnotherCynicToo
How's your inbox doing now?
LabyrinthBuilder
May the gods be with you in your journey!
CausticCake
Is imgur one of the two?
mustbethedragon
Nope, but may as well be.
Meqad
Just come to scandinavia and use tinder
matyles
Female what?
SomebodyThatIsntMe
mustbethedragon
Am I supposed to giggle and blush now? This is where I giggle and blush, right?
SomebodyThatIsntMe
kinda wishing i could grow a braided beard now
xryuuki
Stop right there, that's all the information we need.
armybound91cy7
TikTok lots of Viking women on there
NCPBullet
Sorry.
PurityOfEssence
How are you with accounting?
mustbethedragon
I can balance a checkbook. Does that count?
Spanked84
I can cook and don't need an allowance if I get to be a house spouse.
supraman2turbo
So wanna go raid Lindisfarne later? Maybe plunder a church or two?
jaberdaberjj
Women - *exists* Imgur -
bacononbacon
pandemicpolemic
I don’t know but that’s waaaaayyy ahead of most people these days so I’d go with “pretty good”
BDSMThroatHugs
On your head?
PurityOfEssence
As long as you can amortize our langskip, we should be good.
mustbethedragon
Hmm, I'll have to get back to you on that one.
RandomlyAppointedNSAAgent
Shouldn't an accounting professional KNOW what counts?
mustbethedragon
Doesn't say "professional."
IrateMeatAndMeatAccessories
What kinda viking are you looking for?
TheGrumpyViking
I'm relevant!
mustbethedragon
Stable would be a good start. Throw in cooking.
solsactual
Sold
mustbethedragon
If you will cook, it's a deal.
teakasaurus
I’m shit with accounting, but solid on Dr Strangelove references.
PurityOfEssence
You'll have to answer to the Coca Cola company...