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Sep 13, 2026 11:29 PM
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OptimusPom
That sick SOB probably would have used them on himself instead of giving them to a random kid and making their day.
micuu
Remember, Jim Haggerty could have died to bring us this information.
Renza0
real or satire on hard mode
zortroz
InfocalypseRising
Son of a bitch woulda had that mountain bike if they hadn't gotten him
OnlyWantToSayOneThing
Think of the young vulnerable white child who could have gotten that bike so they could ride it home instead of taking the socialist trangendering bus. (/jokes)
ItsJustBluskyandImgrNow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kIcmjXMpjY
https://spectrumlocalnews.com/tXMpjY">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kIcmjXMpjY
https://spectrumlocalnews.com/tx/south-texas-el-paso/">x/sou">XMpjY">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kIcmjXMpjY
https://spectrumlocalnews.com/tx/south-texas-el-paso/news/2026/07/02/the-onion-infowars-parody
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/the-onions-new-parody-of-alex-jones-infowars-starts-with-100000-to-sandy-hook-families
REOJackwagon
"CEC tokens can't buy steel beams"
punderstorm
JFK DIDN'T CEC THE MOON LANDING
CobainsSarcoma
i worked at a chuck e cheese
we would get tokens from the arcade across town it was my job to sort them out
'what should i do with these?' i asked the manager
'i don't care get them out of here'
so i played a *lot* of gauntlet at the arcade across town
AnonsAndMinions
I honestly couldn't tell if this was satire or not. I know. I KNOW. I'm just tired and the world is insane right now.
TalkingSnake
johnblood616
There used to be this competitor to Chuck called Showbiz Pizza. One time I got lost and ended up in some back room that was just a long table with old men smoking cigarettes.
anteyeclimbaxe
That's showbiz
johnblood616
Hahah
OneUniverse
Would you buy a pizza from a rat with an automaton band, who wasn't in congress?
DukeDarkwood
Yes.
If it was in Congress, that would have been a dealbreaker, though.
Being in Congress at all is a dealbreaker. Casino-owning pizza rats with animatronic bands are WAY better than Congress members.
Ijustwantquiet
There are Chuck E. Cheese's in the Middle East?
bottledham
Yes there's one in downtown Iraq
Spfiredrake
Was about to downvote Infowars... Then I remembered it's owned by The Onion now.
thedarkcanuck
That in itself could be an Onion headline
TexMexHex
It has been quite awesome.
CuntCrotchula
And run by Tim Onion
CALAMOSCOPYJANE
https://media1.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1aHFnaWZuY2wzcWk4ZXFqMTI0czFmcmUyNDd5djJqanF3bDYzajN0ZyZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/kRmg8zeReOYXm/200w.webp
mmontour
Well... sort of. It's only an offer to purchase it at the moment. The Onion version don't show up on the "infowars.com" URL yet. We're still waiting for some Texas judge to invent a reason to scuttle the deal (again).
Hevach
The purchase was finalized on July 2. The Onion has chosen not to use the existing domain name at this time but does control it. They are using a mix of existing (but scrubbed) and new social media accounts and just launched a third show under the label.
mmontour
July 2 - "The launch comes as lawyers for the victims of the Sandy Hook school shooting are still wrangling in a Travis County court to finalize the satirical publication's takeover of Infowars." https://www.kut.org/austin/2026-07-02/the-onion-infowars-conspiracy-site-austin-tx-lawsuit
jalcantara88127001
If anything their headlines are less crazy now
akafluffy
less crazy, but more sad, every one of them has an aura of please let this be satire by the end of the newsday this time
WolvesAreTheBestPeople
They made me laugh a lot.
aRootinaTootin
You can’t use tokens for prizes, you need tickets.
Darkspire
Not in the back room. 250 tokens gets you an RPG-7 and 5 warheads.
TheJuiceLoosener
First you get the tokens, then you get the tickets, THEN you get the prizes.
arikelrecords2000
First we get the tokens
Then we get the tickets
Then we get the Prizes
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1MjFicGMyb3Jwb3czb3FtN2FwdW1yZDNnbXloajB3cWR5anFvbXZteSZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/YDxzHaDMBsMW4/200w.webp
Probablyimaginary
*kicks open door wielding loops of tickets in each fist*
Say hello to my little friends!
LariCheltsy
The real prize is the friends you made at the TMNT arcade cabinet.
You need tokens for those.
TalkingSnake
That’s what they want you to think.
SerialChickenLover
<<<<<>>>>>
WiiShaker
Charles Entertainment Cheese himself.
aRootinaTootin