the past two days have made me want to never leave my room again

just incredibly hurt. feel free to ignore.

been seeing this guy for a few months. we met on tinder. instant chemistry. he seemed to love that i am, i don't know, so openly me, so i was incredibly blindsided by this conversation.

dude had a hard time communicating. i'd been trying to encourage communication by calmly but firmly vocalizing problems as they came up, but he generally just accused me of trying to pick fights, and it was infuriating. i let one particular problem fester for that reason.

over the course of our short relationship, he ceased to initiate sex after maybe the first month. i worked harder to get his attention: tried to get him to kiss me, pushed myself up against him in suggestive ways when we were cuddling, took my clothes off, tried actually grabbing his dick at his suggestion, even masturbated quite obviously while next to him in bed. a solid 80% of the time, there was no reaction.

so i asked him if there was something i could do to make him want to fuck me more. i thought that maybe, i don't know, he was depressed and couldn't get it up. that would have been understandable. i didn't realize that actually he just wants me to wear makeup and dress super nicely all the time because wearing "ratty sweatshirts and sweatpants all the time isn't exactly a turn on." (side note: have been told by other guys that this is, in fact, a thing they find cute. also, what the hell else am i going to wear when all we do every weekend is lie in bed? a goddamn cocktail dress?)

and hey, i get it. i do. you're totally allowed to have that preference. i even thanked him for being honest with me. that's just not at all who i am. anyone who has ever spoken to me fucking knows that. i was incredibly vain and "pretty" and very into outward appearances 4-5 years ago...when i was also anorexic. it has taken an amazing amount of personal growth for me to get to this point, and i was so excited that i'd found someone who liked me for who i actually am.

to be clear, i am a very clean person. i shave; i like clean clothes; i like smelling nice. i just don't see the point in spending money on clothes or makeup anymore because i'm turning more and more into an anti-consumerist by the day. 

ALSO to be clear, while boyfriend had decent personal hygiene, he was very much overweight and only ever wore sweatpants and t-shirts. these are not things i mind, although the hypocritical thinking chafes a bit.

so yeah. i feel very stupid and ugly. i drank a lot last night, lost my school key card, and can't afford dinner. i wish i could think of some funny way to end this, but i just feel too shitty.