Work Stories of a Maintenance man Part 6

Renting in America

This post will be a little longer and slightly different. I am comfortably ensconced in my new job and home now and figured it might be time to give a little advice about renting, and all the pitfalls of it. Specifically, why the hell it costs so much.
I have been a maintenance man off and on now for many years, and although most companies try to keep the money information separate from me (the repairman), these companies fail to understand that their tenants hate them. Their only outlet is the maintenance guy that shows up to fix their toilet. Renters will regale me with their very personal money woes as I try to unclog their commode, like i'm some kind of hands-on Dr. Phil. What can I say, I'm a people person.
(Please bear in mind that all my info comes from either my personal experience, or poorly researched statistics on google while drunk. Feel free to tear me a new asshole in the comments if I got something wrong.) I live in southern Maine along the coast, and also lived in Minneapolis for a few years, so all the money info is based around those prices.

Why is my rent so damn high?
First of all, you wanted a 2 bedroom in the city with parking, pets allowed, and all utilities included. Average price for that in Portland, Maine, looks to be about 1400 a month. In the Suburbs we're looking at around 1000$. Lets break it down.

2 Bedrooms: Translation- I, the renter, will immediately defy the rental contract by having extra keys made and then sub-letting the second bedroom to either: Cracky McCrackface and his meth lab; or to my extended (Foreign country of choice) family, jamming two grandparents my sister and her husband and their 7 children into the room. We will proceed to remove every smoke detector from the ceiling by force, since they make annoying 'beep' noises when we decide to cook turkeys in the living room over open flames. This happens enough that damage to the building is endemic, and requires more money.

Parking: Translation- I, the renter, promise to apply for the parking tag for my designated spot, upon which immediately I will photocopy it several times and on Saturday nights allow my friends, acquaintances and that girl I met at the bar im trying to bang to take up all the spots in the lot. Needless to say this causes friction, and costs money.

Pets Allowed: Translation- I, the renter, agree to give you the pet deposit (average amount is 400$), then immediately forget that it exists. I will immediately purchase a 100 pound Mastiff rescue with no toilet training in a cats only building. I will lie boldly, barefacedly and shamelessly about the pet I own on annual inspections, and upon moving out, not repair any of the chew marks on the ceiling or the remove the feces from the carpet. (400$ does not cover the damage)

All-Utilities-Included: Translation- I, the renter, upon moving in will immediatley perform one of two actions. If it is winter, I will immediatley install an air-conditioner in the top most window creating a chimney effect for the heat, (average cost for a day is about 80$). If it is summer, I will shut all the windows and crank previously mentioned air-conditioner to the lowest setting even if I go on vacation for a week to europe. My state is mostly heated by oil truck, not the most efficiant method, to an already insanely exspensive energy system.

This is why: You, most likely, do not do any of this as a renter. You are perfectly well behaved member of society and would never dream of being such a dick. But ten percent of renters are all of these, and you are paying for their damage.

Why does my rent keep rising?

Every year you get 'The Letter'.
"Dear valued renter of (Golden springs, Woodland Falls, or Catskill Circle,) As of (the worst possible date for Christmas shopping) Rob-you-blind property management will be forced to raise your rent by (some ungodly amount). Thank you once again for being a valued tenant, and congratulations on breaking the company record of no-one urinating in the hallways for almost a whole six months!"
Sincerely, (The company that would sell your kidney on the black market if they could get away with it.)

I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the gist of it. The amount of rise can be directly correllated to certain issues, so lets dive in.
10$-50$: Translation- The school board decided that that every child in class needs an iphone whatever the hell number they are up to now, so property taxes went up. Your own shitty kid is the fault of this.
50$-100$: Translation- Property values are rising, there is a rental shortage, and PM companies have you by the scrotum. Yes they want you to move out so they can rent that broom closet for twice as much.
100$-200$: One of the investors of the PM company was caught in another one of his 'pecadillos' involving an alligator and a Thai lady-boy. He needs money for the divorce lawyer.

A lot of this is tounge in cheek, but most of the time it really is property taxes. Renters are removed from that and dont really see it, but its funny because town meetings are always filled with property owners when taxes are discussed but it would really behoove the renters to go to these things since they are the ones most affected.

Looking for that perfect apartment.

Hunting down your new home can be tiring and stressful. I hope to alleviate that for you a little by breaking down the hunt into two parts. Lets begin.

The leasing agent: Translation- Yes, you met him or her at the apartment to look at it. You shook their hand and now it smells of brimstone. That is indeed a slight tinge of red to their skin, they have vertical pupils, and talk as if their tounge is forked, with clenched teeth and a manic smile. I have never met a leasing agent that didn't meet this criteria, and i'm friends with a few.
Yes, the price they listed for the place is accurate. But, no matter what, issues you mention wanting taken care of in the apartment WILL NOT BE TAKEN CARE OF, no matter what Lucifer says. The only way to get that cracked tile fixed is by moving in and then bombarding the maintenance line for the first month until I show up to sullenly fix your minor issue.

But what should I rent in my Price range?
Translation- It depends on your age category, property prices are going crazy right now in my area so this will be a rough and ready guide and I will assume you are in the lower end of the monetary spectrum.
18-26: Rent in the ghetto, get a second floor place even if there is no elevator. Crackheads are rather lazy and hate stealing from floors above the first. One bedroom should be about 8-900$ with no heat included.
26-50: Got a family? rent in the suburbs, get a 3 bedroom with no utilities included, should be about 1400$ Be prepared for power outages that last for weeks, (Maine specific issue only). If you have no family, rent in the city but get a two bedroom and learn to love some roomates. No utilites included should be around 1050$ if you play your cards right.
50-...: Just look into senior living centers. Rent is way to high for people on vanishing pensions and laughable social security amounts. Or, enroll in an annex class at the state college and qualify to rent in student housing. It suprisingly works even if you are only taking one class.

That's all for now folks, I hope you had fun and sorry if it was too long. Here is a link to my previous stories that are shorter and more maintenance specific.https://imgur.com/a/OmoSV