FlutterButterss
1845
43
10
I don't have anyone to talk the deep thoughts talks to so sorry it's all here. Also sorry if my thought topics a bit scattered.
Yeah, yeah marriage is just a piece of paper, blah blah blah.
As someone who grew up with a narcissist, emotionally and physically abusive mother family and marriage has always been one of those goals in life because I wanted different than what I grew up with. I wanted better. I still want better.
Dad was never in the picture and there was no other "family".
In time, I've learned that family isn't just by blood and that my birth giver was far from family.
There was a point where I wanted children and then I just kept getting older (36 in December) and then I got diagnosed with breast cancer in March (to which I've been sharing the journey). Being that it's hormone receptive, and that my ovaries have been shut down and will continue to be shut down at least 5 years post treatment, I decided that I will definitely not be passing on my genes, having kids or chasing children around in my 40's or 50's. And it's totally ok if other people feel differently about their own lives and ages and children. I just don't want to go through with it at this point. Besides, I have two fur babies and to me it's pretty close to having human children with how they act and misbehave lol.
I've been on my own since I was 18. I am hyper independent. I feel like I've always been the giver, the care taker, the one who cares and looks out for others. Always planning birthdays for friends, always cooking and cleaning after or for friends or partners. Always the one with responsibilities.
But God damn it, do I want to be the one being taken care of for once.
I never wanted to be assertive. I never wanted to cook and clean every day. I never wanted household or head of the household responsibilities alone. I never wanted to become the parent of anyone my age that I'm supposed to be dating. I never wanted to stay as someone's girlfriend.
I want to be able to have someone to depend and rely on but also not have to do so 100%. I want romance, I want adventures, I want to be appreciated. I don't want to carry my burdens or fight my demons alone. I want my boundaries respected. I want issues that I address, listened to and fixed. I want to be loved the way I give and show loved and the way that I need to be loved.
I'm happy for all my friends getting married and getting on with life. I just wish I had it too. And yes, I am well aware of the divorce rates and all that too.
Is it just me? Is it our generation? Because it's a never ending cycle that I am sick and tired of and have been sick and tired of for like 10+ years.
*Edit: For the record, I do not dislike myself. I do not doubt myself or my worth. I know exactly what I bring to the table. I know all of my flaws and know all of my strengths.
There's probably more I could or should to this post but I'll leave it at that.
Maybe I should just get a cottage in the woods and be the town witch.
End rant.
tallyhoho
Find someone who really appreciates and loves you and the marriage part won't seem so important. Unfortunately responsibilities only double when you have a partner but if they appreciate your effort it doesn't seem like a burden to take care of them. And finally look outside the normal criteria of what you would date - no one will be everything to you but there are amazing people to find if you give them the chance
ThanosTheGreat
So you’re single.
omfglmfao
I was the same, but different, I did not want marriage, my parents got divorced when I was 12 and I never wanted to be in a situation like that... I told myself I was NEVER going to get married... I was certain of it, and had come to terms with it, and was happy to just be single... then one day, I walked into a new place and met my mate of 25 years now... it was weird and I new instantly that they were the one... I can't explain "how", I just "did"... it was clear to me that day.
thesaurusaurus1984
Never agreed with the concept of marriage. It's always felt like both parties being dragged down by the weight of combining each other's finances. Love should remain without those structured ties.
sleestacks
No advice but cheers from someone that had to go through cancer treatment alone. (Mostly, and it sucks)
FlutterButterss
*hugs*
OmenJones
Same. I've come to terms with it. You know, we should come to an arrangement. When you pick a place to be a town witch, let me know. When I eventually retire and become a murderous revenant, I do it in a nearby bog or blasted heath, and you'll be set up for selling protective charms.
brandopolaf
town witch thats cool as fuck and will baby sit when all else fails do that
TheDaharMaster
“Most of em just cheat on ya”
funone77
Woof lotta baggage to unpack there. That being said, monogamous lifetime relations aren't for everyone. Don't let anyone shame you for that.
BagOfPrayers
A trend I've noticed is that people who actively seek marriage are often taken advantage of by people who know that the marriage-seeker will go the extra mile for them. Or perhaps more accurately, go the extra mile for the sake of having *a relationship* rather than being alone. 1/3
BagOfPrayers
On the flip side, several people I know (including myself) reached the point of exhaustion with looking for marriage and decided that if it happens great, if not that's fine too, and then within a year or two of making that decision found their person. 2/3
BagOfPrayers
It's a weird paradox, but being content with being single seems to make finding a competent partner way easier, and hey, even if it doesn't work out that way you'll still have lived in a way that lets you seek your own happiness instead of waiting on someone else. 3/3
VictorDenn
I think you will make a terrific witch. We need more good witches out there.
FlutterButterss
The down side is that TikTok has given us a flooded crystal/spiritual/metaphysical goods market so we need some sort of add on bonus!
VictorDenn
Naked dancing around the fire is pretty old school and still holds up. :)
Corrodias
Could it be that other people aren't asking you to be their parent, and when you get to know people, you're grabbing the role without their input, out of a desire for control over your life?
FlutterButterss
I've been pretty sure and seen it's because if I don't do the cooking it cleaning, no one else will.
Corrodias
What I'm getting at is that it sounds like you want someone driven to succeed, like you are, and who shares the same definition of success (e.g., home-cooked meals and a certain kind of cleanliness). You say you never wanted to be assertive, but you are, of your own volition...?
Corrodias
Do those things need to be done? Not from the other person's perspective, it seems. I don't cook, and I only clean when I feel the need to. I don't mind if someone else does those things, but that's their choice, not mine.
FlutterButterss
No cooking and cleaning do not to be done every day, except maybe dishes (one thing if a couple are in the sink, another if they're piling up) - basic tidying up and upkeeping. But I also shouldn't be making all the meals if we are eating at home. My partner should be capable of fending for themselves or even cook us a meal instead of asking "what's for dinner tonight?".
Corrodias
Fair. Alright, you know what you want. Good luck getting that partner. I don't know how people do it.
JackalopeElope
But if no one wants to marry you, are you even worth loving? Is there something wrong with you? Why is it always just you? And if you want to slap the stranger who asks these things, should you be asking them?
BagOfPrayers
What the fuck? Who shit in your cheerios today, dude?
FlutterButterss
It's ok 😅
thesaurusaurus1984
Loving others begins with being able to love oneself first.
FlutterButterss
Who said I didn't love myself first? But also, I do not believe that you have to love yourself in order to love others. You can absolutely care for and love others. You can make sure they're well, get home safe, have a warm meal, show empathy, kindness and compassion, etc. Just because someone isn't or wasn't shown love, does not mean they do not know how to love or that they lack the ability to show it to others.
abujamza
From a purely psychologic pov, this is all very classic of someone who has been forced to adopt a victim mentality from how life has unfolded for them until now. Let me tell you, if you have had no psych evaluation/input until this point, that your thoughts/feelings are more common than you may care to acknowledge. This is also one of the most treatable complexes that we encounter. Your post suggests you are already very self aware so I don’t think it would take much to help you recognise (1/2)
abujamza
(2/2) your value and how this mentality is born in trauma/difficulty but that you can shift your mindset on such things with some very simple neural perspective realignment. Please reach out to me if you feel you could benefit from an open discussion with an (almost) qualified psych professional
thesaurusaurus1984
I absolutely agree. I love my kids unconditionally but struggle with my own flaws and even find it difficult to lock eyes with my own reflection. I want to be able to find contentment with myself so that my inner struggle doesn't boil over for them to see.
FlutterButterss
I struggle with my reflection these days for a completely different reason. But you know, I bet if you talked to your kids about why they love you, you'd feel better! Kids have the purest big truth answers and even purer kind of love. You know, before they're corrupted and such. And even if you struggle with flaws, acknowledging them is a wonderful step! What you might see as flaws may not even be flaws to someone else.
thesaurusaurus1984
I try not to rely on others perceptions of myself. I'm my own worst critic. I don't always succeed. Moreover my success I merit in the happiness I strive for in an effort to portray mental content for my little ones. That inner strife is easily noticeable to them.