In a hurry and need to transport cash, vital evidence against the Big Bad, or rare ingredients for your Spooky Goth Witch ritual? Call me, "Briefcase" MacGuffin.

The suit, shirt, and trousers were all thrift shopped for less than $20. Likewise for the briefcase, $10. The cuffs were a bit more, but they're essential for the job. I try to support local business, which led to some awkward visits to various sex shops around town. The less said about that, the better.

"Briefcase" MacGuffin doesn't like meeting clients in weirdly-lit hallways, but beggars can't be choosers, and that old pension barely covers rent, much less the student loans.

Pro: Got 247% of the daily step count in!
Con: Everyone else in the convoy is dead. You should probably hire better mercs next time.

You want to know the most painful part of being shot? Knowing Kevlar vests aren't exactly reusable. This is definitely going in the expense report.

Dry cleaning should go in the expense report, too. Fortunately, "Briefcase" MacGuffin is a bit down on his luck and does a lot of thrift shopping. Especially for work clothes.

"Briefcase" MacGuffin needs remember to add medical coverage to his contracts.

Possibly dental. That's not a fang, I hope. I like being just some bloke.

Sometimes, it's not about cash or cursed artifacts. Sometimes, a client just wants to hand out full-sized candy without having to fight off vampires or the infamous Wal-Mart Karen syndicate. It's usually the Karen Klan that cause the most ruckus on a Halloween night. Those crazy bats won't leave anyone alone. It's a wonder they aren't sacrificed to Baphomet more often, but I suspect the big guy would send 'em right back, like a raw lamb in Hell's Kitchen. The vampires are more polite, even on the prowl. They always ask permission first. Consent is sexy.

So, how did I get to where I am now? Well, that's quite a story. Not really, there's always a guy like me, operating on a budget. But I always (try to) make it happen. Let me show you how.

The makeup in question. Fake blood, a small palette, and some liquid latex. The warning labels said not to get the red colors too close to the eyes or mouth, so I got some liquid lipstick (Urban Decay, I think?) to do blood effects around those parts. This is my first time using makeup, so there was a lot of trial-and-error. The liquid latex didn't get much use aside from some abrasion effects around the knuckles that fell off very early in the evening.

Please excuse the RBF. This was attempt 11 or 12 with the color mixing. I tried to use liquid latex to create swelling for the bruise, but I just couldn't get it to cooperate. Cosplayers of Imgur, I'm open to suggestions.

"Hey slick, see that shit coming out of their ears? They can't fucking hear you." Used liquid lipstick for the eardrum injury. It did fade a bit after a few hours, but held up better than the fake blood.

Tools of the trade (clockwise from top left):
-Soto pocket blowtorch (for burn & bullet hole effects on clothing)
-seam ripper (for light distressing effects & opening the shoulder on the jacket)
-Shoe Goo shoe repair adhesive, for sticking the bullets to the velcro disks
-long chain handcuffs
-knife (for larger cut effects on the jacket)
-pin punch set (heated with the pocket blowtorch to make bullet holes in the shirt, as the material burst into flame when I tried a test burn on the shirttail)
-sewing kit (to reattach the jacket's shoulder lining after cutting a little too deep)

The vest is the sort of Cordura nylon vest you'd see in any plate carrier. The velcro panel is meant for ID placards, or whatever patch you'd wear in Tacticool Bro mode to hide the fact that you think Level IV plates are "too hard to wear properly." No patches tonight, though. Tonight, I'm taking one (two) for the client.

I ordered fired bullets from a guy on Etsy (there's a market for everything), and glued Velcro disks to the tip in order to stick them onto the vest. I had shoe repair adhesive laying around, and it turned out pretty well! It's pliable, so I could fill the gaps in the deformed bullet and make a flat surface to stick the disk on.

My first attempt was to glue the velcro directly onto the bullet, but it looked kinda awkward, just "floating" above the velcro panel on the vest. I tried crumpling a thin piece of cloth from my rag scrap bag in order to give it more texture and look like it went through a couple layers of cloth. Worked a charm! The gray rags provided contrast against the black vest to make it more visible and break up the outline to correct the "floating" effect. Singed the edge of the cloth with the pocket blowtorch. Hot bullets are hot.

The back of the jacket. After watching Bullet Train recently, being attacked with swords while carrying a briefcase has been in my head more than usual. I did some light blood and tearing on the trousers, but I wanted to keep those mainly intact for all the walking around.

Bullet hole detail. The pocket blowtorch made a perfect round hole with singe marks at the margins. The fake blood wasn't really turning up red on the jacket, so this red is from the liquid lipstick. It showed up nice, but wasn't viscous enough to make blood drop effects, so I just tried to smear it as best I could to try and make it run.

Detail on the shoulder. The liquid lipstick provided most of the long-lasting red on the shell, but the fake blood just showed made the material dark. It just looked wet and not red. The thinner white lining and exposed shoulder pad took the fake blood much better, though.

Earpiece to keep in touch with my handler? Nope, walking/strutting playlist for the evening, starring the Japanese cover of "Stayin' Alive" by Avu-chan:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aofSXzH8BXE&ab_channel=BulletTrainVEVO

The "after" photo of my late night test run. The makeup held! Weirdly, the liquid lipstick I put on my ears turned dark pink, but my sweaty nose & lip lipstick stayed blood-colored. I have a newfound respect for women having to put up with makeup. I was still drawing lipstick on my napkin during lunch the next day. Ladies, you're saints.

So. That's how it goes around these parts. This year, the package was just a simple candy run. Next year, maybe some cursed ankhs or a bottle of pure nightshade essence. But if you're wandering the City of Angels tonight and need a quick full-sized candy pick-me-up, just use the secret code: pointing and shouting "WHAT'S IN THE BAAAHHHHXX" like you're Brad Pitt in Se7en. I'll know it's you.

What a night this is shaping up to be. Who knows what else a dame/knight/fae/chaos being needs brought to them in the odd hours. But if the stakes are high and time is short, call me, "Briefcase" MacGuffin. Just don't sacrifice me when I get there, you supply your own guy or I'll charge you extra.