Hoping he finds his peace soon

#alcoholism #mental_illness #rest_in_peace

My friend of nearly 20 years is close to the end of his life. He has been battling severe alcoholism and mental illness for the past few years. He started having seizures after stopping drinking suddenly, then had a heart attack followed by a stroke. His family are saying their goodbyes before his ventilator is turned off.

When I first met him, he was someone I looked up to and admired greatly. He was a performer and took me under his wing when I first got the guts to get up on stage myself. I will always be thankful for his guidance and advice, and am thankful to have been in his life. We performed together a lot over the years, and became good mates.

Recently though, he has struggled so much. At times, he was a really shit friend to me and many others. It was very difficult to support him - he would reach out when in crisis, but as soon as I’d show concern or care, he’d recoil. He expressed suicidal thoughts to me several times (see previous post https://i.imgur.com/bHStX09.jpg) and actually cut me off for about a year. This was because I began to have some hard conversations with him about his refusal to engage with available supports. He made amends with me about eight weeks ago, and thanked me for being his friend.

He was actually beginning to burn me out since we reconnected; he would sometimes call me several times a day (boredom and loneliness seemed to be the reasons for this) and would ignore boundaries I tried to put in place e.g. if I said I was unavailable, he’d ignore that and continue calling me. I started to get worn down.

I missed his last calls and said I’d be in touch. I found out earlier in the week that he was back in hospital, and got word today that he won’t make it.

I am so fucking sad, I wish I could have done more, but a big part of me is relieved. The friend I know is gone, but he was gone long before this. I am relieved because he so desperately wanted peace. I am relieved because I know that my own mental health often suffered when he leaned on me too heavily. I am relieved because I have constantly felt like I’ve been getting the balance in our friendship wrong. I am relieved because every time I would see a message or a call from him or his family in recent years, it was always bad news. I am relieved because I know he would be relieved.

Go gently, my friend. I’m sorry the world didn’t feel safe enough, warm enough or kind enough for you to find your way.

TL; DR - My friend is close to death. I’m sad, but relieved - he was a complicated cat. RIP.