Authoritative parenting/teaching; a short guide

Okay, so I don't know how many people are interested in something like this, but I've seen a few posts about parenting and how to deal with children in and out of an educational setting these past few days, so I figured why not.

First, who am I to talk about this? I am a special eds. educated teacher with 20 years of experience who has made it my 'trademark' to take over and fix those classes and pupils that "no one" else can fix. The "no one" is tentative as I don't consider myself to be that unique, but I also think that I have some tools in my bag that maybe not everyone have.

Over these two decades of teaching I have had zero reports of bullying in my classes, they have all beaten both the national and state average on their student well-being surveys, and the same goes for their results on the national standardized tests. The process of turning a class around permanently is very involved and takes, for me at least, about a year, so this guide is hardly exhaustive.

The main key to achieving this is something called authoritative parenting and/or teaching, so let's have a look at what that is.

PS: This is a rather long post. Sorry.

We usually divide parenting styles into four main categories; Uninvolved, Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative. Most parents are not on the extremes of either, but fall somewhere in the middle or between two styles, but it is usefull to define them to know what to work towards. Here are some defining characteristics of each:

1. Neglectful (Uninvolved)
- Low responsiveness, low demands
- Emotionally detached, may meet basic needs but little else
- Often unaware or indifferent to child’s behavior
- Outcomes: Children often face attachment issues, poor academic performance, and social withdrawal

2. Permissive
- High responsiveness, low demands
- Indulgent, avoids confrontation, few rules or limits
- Acts more like a friend than a parent
- Outcomes: Children may struggle with self-control and authority

3. Authoritarian
- Low responsiveness, high demands
- Strict, often uses punishment instead of discipline
- Little open dialogue between parent and child
- Outcomes: Children may be obedient but often experience lower self-esteem and higher anxiety

4. Authoritative
- High responsiveness, high demands
- Warm, supportive, sets clear rules and expectations
- Encourages independence while maintaining structure
- Outcomes: Children tend to be confident, self-disciplined, and socially adept

So, based on that model, authoritative parenting/teaching is clearly superior, and while not always achievable, should be something to strive for for anyone who is involved with raising or teaching children. The goal is to have clear boundaries and expectations, but also maintaining high levels of empathy and respect.

The psychology behind it is as follows: Children feel safer, and therefore more free to explore, when there is a confident adult around to set the rules for what goes and doesn't. on the flipside, if they don't know what the rules are they will feel unsafe and will often act out to try and see if they meet a wall somewhere. At the same time they also have a need to be seen and heard, and to have someone show them understanding and compassion. As a parent/teacher you need to do both!

But what does that look like in real life?
Here are some examples:

Scenario 1: A Child Refuses to Do Homework
Authoritative Parent: “I understand you’re tired after school—but homework is still important. Let’s take a short break, and then we’ll set a timer to help you stay focused. If you need help, I’m right here.”
Why it works: The parent acknowledges feelings, sets clear expectations, and offers support without being harsh or dismissive.

Scenario 2: The Child Wants Candy Before Dinner
Authoritative Parent: “I know candy is tempting, but we’re about to eat. You can have a piece after dinner if you’re still hungry, okay?”
Why it works: The parent enforces boundaries but explains why and offers a fair compromise.

Scenario 3: Managing Screen Time
Authoritative Parent: “We’ve agreed on one hour of tablet time after homework. If you want more, we can earn it by doing something helpful around the house. What do you think?”
Why it works: Clear limits are set, but the child is invited into the problem-solving process.

Scenario 4: Handling a Tantrum or Emotional Outburst
Authoritative Parent: “It’s okay to feel upset, but throwing things isn’t how we handle big feelings. Can you use your words or do you want to take a few minutes to calm down first?”
Why it works: The parent stays calm and firm, but validates emotions and guides toward better coping skills.

Authoritative parenting is all about teaching, not controlling. It mixes consistency with empathy, and rules with reason.

So to pre-emptively answer some questions...

Am I a perfect parent?
Absolutely not. I've made many mistakes when it comes to my daughter over the years. She is 18 now and we've had lots of conversations where I've admitted my mistakes and apologised. Being a parent is a learning experience for everyone, regardless of their experience or education.

Will this work on all children?
The short answer is yes. The longer answer is yes, but you will always have to adapt your approach to the child you are working with. The expectations you have, the boundaries you set, and the approach to showing compassion and understanding, will depend on the child and your relationship with them. As a teacher I have to spend a lot of time and effort to build trust and report with my pupils in order to effectively utlize this method.

But isn't school about learning English and Maths and such things?
Absolutely, and the best way to achieve that is to make sure your pupils feel safe and seen. A child that is anxious and uncertain spends a LOT of time and energy being anxious and uncertain. If you as an educator can free up that time and energy to do more productive things, like learning and developing, then the results will come that much more easily. I consider this to be my first task as a teacher, and I consider it to be at least 50% of my job. Teaching subjects is the other 50%.

Am I a perfect teacher then?
Again, no. Even after 20 years in the classroom I make mistakes every. single. week. Every week there is some lesson plan I should have done better, or a situation with a pupil that I should have handled differently. Working with people is always challenging, you always learn something new, and you can always get better. We need to allow ourselves (and our kids) to make mistakes. The important thing is to try and learn from them.

So there you have it. A short guide to authoritative parenting/teaching.
If you have any questions, criticisms, input, or good teacher jokes I'll try to respond to them when I can.

Thanks for listening!