In the pizza delivery system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the drivers, who deliver the pizza; and the people that make the pizza. These are their stories. *CHING CHING

I've worked as a pizza deliver-er for a major american chain full/part time for about 1.5 years. I hope you enjoy my stories! I am also going to add some pizza orderingtips/etiquette.
EDIT: Holy Satan's saggy right testicle, front page! Let me know if you're interested in more stories (I got lots, I just didn't want to make the post too long), I may do an AMA or just a post on just etiquette as well.

Our delivery territory is %95 good neighborhoods. There are about 4 trailer parks, all of which are quite nice. Anyway, I was in one of the nicer trailer parks and my map said the trailer was in the back corner. I drove by and almost missed it. If you were not looking for it, you would have never noticed, almost completely grown over. As I walked to the door, I noticed the plant life was growing on a sturdy foundation of misc. trash. As I got close, I heard blaring classic rock music. I knocked and shirtless santa opened the door. As trailer-santa signed the receipt, I noticed the interior matched the exterior. I've seen some hoarder-esq houses, but this one was almost invisible.

ummmm.. ok? You would be amazed how often this happens. If we screwed up, LET US KNOW. It's our job to kiss ass and make the customer happy. Most places will at least give you a credit if they screw up. Also, just because you had a bad time with Dingus mcDingleberry does not mean we are all like mr. mcDingleberry.

This was probably the most memorable moment I had delivering. So it was like 11 PM (Usually work nights) and It had just finished raining. I was driving back to the store on a relitivley remote road; it was dark, the road was shiny from the rain/lightposts, and the mix of dark and light took away my night vision completely, so naturally I was driving like a bat out of hell. So I am going down the street and I see what I think is an imperfection in the asphalt. When I got closer I realized it was a huge black dog; I locked out my brakes and skidded toward her, luckily she took off. After cleaning my pants, I did a u-turn and saw the dog was just chillin by the side of the road. I pull up and open my passenger door in an attempt to look at her collar. As soon as that door cracked she (a ~80 lb. lab mix) hopped in my passenger seat and started sniffin around. Probably the sweetest dog I ever met. I closed my door and called my manager. The conversation went something like this.

Me (with dog's head on my shoulder): Hey **** I have a situation
Manager: oh lord what?
Me: there is a dog in my car.
Man: are you shitting me?
me: No I just opened my door and she jumped in.
Man: ......... Just bring it back to the store.

She was the center of attention for a good hour.
Another employee took her home and we eventually found her owner.

Drunk People: *hic hey man you have pizza for us *stumble. You're awesome have $10
High people: *opens door *smell hits me like a ton of bricks* uhhhhhhhh *takes 5 minutes to sign the receipt * uhhh thanks *no tip

This is not all the time of course. One time the guy opened the door, the cloud hit me, and he was like "You are our lord and savior! You have no idea how much I needed you"(exact works) and tips $10.

one fun drink customer ordered real late at the fanciest hotel around.
Me: hello how are you tonight?
Customer: *stumble I am freaking wonderful how about you *her friend is losing it in the backgroud
M: glad to hear that, please sign this.
C: *tries to open pen (it was the twint kind) um I don't know how to use your pen *friend starts losing it again
M: Just twist it
C: ohhhhhhh *friend laughing to the point of asphyxiation
C: *twists pen in the wrong direction and brakes the clip part* umm I think I broke your pen *friend voiding the room of oxygen with laughter
M: don't worry about it
C:*fills in the 3 different incorrect places* oh man I keep screwing this up *at this point I think the friend may be superhuman
M; don't worry just use this copy
C:thank you so much you are the best
As I left I say her barely make it back to the couch with the food. I do not envy them the next morning.

One of the employees there is deaf, and he is probably the best employee there. He always makes sure the schedule is straight, has a religious knowledge of how the sports events affect ordering, will work 50 hours a week, and can run dispatch better than anyone. While working with him, he taught me (very) basic sign language (above is ASL for pizza). He has the best attitude and is always smiling (probably because he does not have to listen to our bullshit). Here's to you Harry!

There is one place we do not deliver to past 5 PM, let's just say it's not the classiest neighborhood. Anyway, the customer tried to order at like 2 PM, credit card declined. He said he would "put more money on it". after 2 more attempts to order over the course of 3 hours, it became 5 PM. He was not happy and was screaming "prejudice", as well as some obscenities. Black, white, yellow, or orange; if you don't have money, we won't give you food.

This was really nice. I delivered a ~$150 order to a factory, for their night crew I guess. Anyway the guy let me in the breakroom and I was waiting around for the supervisor to sign the receipt. Meanwhile, I was making pleasant conversation with the custodian and a factory employee. Supervisor shows up, signs it, and I get out of there (Minimum time on delivery= max deliveries in one night). I saw he didn't tip, thought " what an asshole" (standard procedure), and drove back to the store. When I got back my manager told me what happened, so I went back and got my tip ($20!)

40 chicken wings, 5 (way too sweet, in my opinion) icing cups, and one man (as far as I could tell). Lets just say he was the "bigger man" in the situation

I actually was not there for this, but I heard all about it. Apparently verizon was having some big event, and they forgot to cater it. Long story short, It took the (only working) driver 3 trips. They did not help her move any of the pizzas, but at least she got a $150 tip!

I am 6'3 freedom units tall, "built like a refrigerator", and rather beardy. It was around midnight and I pull up to the customer's house. They had a long driveway, but I could not drive down it because it would have scraped the crap out of my car, so I said screw it and just walked down. I was about 10 feet away when the garage door started opening. I thought they saw me and were coming outside. When the door was about 4 feet open, a ~16 year old girl ducked under and quickly looked up. My impeccable timing kicked in, and as soon as she looked up I gave a nice "hello!". At this point she was like a cat that just saw a cucumber, she probably freaked out for 5 seconds before she realized I was just there to deliver food. Her brother came charging out, saw it was just me, and revealed that no one else knew he was ordering food.

It was dark and the customer's porch light was on, but not her inside light. We were exchanging money and, out of nowhere, I hear the loudest, deepest, most thunderous bark i've ever heard in my life. Out of the darkness bat-dog emerged. He was a pitch black great dane that could probably see eye to eye with me. Long story short, replacement pants were needed.

um..ok?

seriously I've encountered a bulldog, pug, golden retriever, lab, and boxer puppies. The owners usually like for me to say hi to them so they can practice socializing. Regular old dogs are usually happy to see me as well!

I tried to keep stories regarding other employees out of this, but this one was too good to not include. The employee in question had quite a chihuahua complex (small body, big attitude) and bashed heads with the manager multiple times. During the incident I noticed the floor was dirty and was taking my time sweeping, if only I had popcorn.

out of the 4 managers we've had (since i've been there) 3 was the coolest. He was super chill and liked to make work a good time. Anyway, we were closing and he said "OP, think quick!" and threw a chicken wing at me. In order to defend my honor, I threw it back. It was late and my trajectory was off, so I ended up hitting him in the mouth with signifigent force. He just stood there and said "well, i'm awake now.....and I taste chicken" good times

That night was crazy, it was storming like crazy and we were 6 drivers short. Delivery time rocketed to 3 hours and orders kept coming. When our system crashed we had "trouble" for just enough time to catch up on our deliveries (we could not take phone or internet orders). It may have hurt money-wise, but it definitely helped mental-health

Sooooooo many wings. Suuuccch good wings.

It's always fun to scrape dough out of a 8 freedom unit tall stack of trays. dumpster smelled, interesting, for a good week

Like I said, puppies. It's also always nice when people are especially nice, or you see the birthday party full of kids' eyes light up. I also get to listen to music for 6 to 8 hours.

Now: Tips and etiquette

Seriously. Our chain is only allowed to suggest specific specials, but if you ask "is there a deal with pizza and wings?" we will help you out. I would never order a pizza at menu price.

Here's a rule of thumb; if you think the driver will be at your house after the store is closed, it's too late to order. Seriously if we get an order 5 minutes before close that adds 30 minutes to an hour to how late we have to stay (2AM vs 3AM)

I know that pizza is expensive and many places have a delivery charge, but please tip your delivery driver. We fall into the "waitor" category, so we get paid less than minimum wage. That delivery fee goes to help cover our gas/maintenance (my place gives you $00.25 per mile, some places just do $1.50 per trip). If you are not sure how much to tip, no driver would complain about %10 - %20, or $3 - $5 (here in Maryland at least)

So an area of a circle is a = (pizza)pi * r^2 meaning the area increases in a non linear fashion as the radius, unlike prices which do increase in a linear fashion. The most pizza for your money will be the larger one (unless there is a special, I believe in you, you can do the math)

Here is a rule of thumb; if you would not drive in the current weather, don't make some poor shmuck, drive in the weather. If there is 3 inches of snow on the ground, maybe you should not make the dude in a 90s era Honda drive. We all have the "if I do not feel comfortable,I don't have to" option, but some of us depend on that money. if there is snow on the ground, please clear a path for your delivery person. There is enough hazzard in this job, i'm not going out from slipping on your front steps.

The deaf driver (by his own admission) milks the living crap out of his conditions. I am just a polite human being. It's that simple

I've been turned down multiple times because people want to pay for a $20 order with a $100 bill. Not only will I get in trouble if I carry more than $20 , it is dangerous. Pizza men are prime targets for getting robbed. If a mugger gets $100 from mugging a pizza guy, he will most likely do it again. Also, the fact that we only carry $20 is on every piece of literature related to the company, you would have to be rather thick to miss it.

Seriously, some apartment complexes we deliver to can not let visitors in (easily as least) so we have to call the customer to meet us. If we try to call you and fail to reach you, we leave a message and go back. so often will people call the store an hour later saying there food is late. For regular houses, if you say you want us to call, please answer your phone, it just saves so much trouble.