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Titanoboa cerrejonensis
Titanoboa cerrejonensis, the largest, longest, and heaviest snake ever discovered.
Titanoboa had a total length of around 12.8 m (42 ft) and weighed about 1,135 kg (2,500 lb; 1.1 long tons).
Titanoboa had a total length of around 12.8 m (42 ft) and weighed about 1,135 kg (2,500 lb; 1.1 long tons).
lived approximately 60–58 million years ago
ImakeEverythingAwkward
My Titanaboa don't
aCartographer
I think I speak for the rest of the world: thank you so much for the metric measurements!
timidtimeturner
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
keyoke
If the biologist who named it had been 20 years younger, it would be Titanoboa slytherin.
sirkickass77
So this https://monsterlegacy.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/basiliskfullroar.jpeg was real at one point?
cerastes
HP basilisk was more of a legless lizard than a snake. Too many eyelids to be a snake.
crashmcleroy
Thank God I bought that Sword of Gryffindor replica
ChefBreadstick
Quick! Bring me Tom Riddle's diary!
WalabyX
It's venom is one of the few substances known to be able to destroy horcruxes.
yeekee
Why does this turn me on? Oh yeah, vore.
Myothercarisanxwing
Anyone else pissed by the in accuracy of that drawing?
INameMyPetsAfterRedvsBlueCharacters
thank you.
aCartographer
Maybe the poor worm had back issues and couldn't straighten itself, and it was decided to measure length only on one axis. Maybe.
teabiskuit
Yes. That is not how you measure length.
MadSkittles
Ah, a 42 ft nope weighing in at 2500 nopes. Refreshing.
melobeyoilongtime
95% sure that's a basilisk
PowayMermaid
*Basilisk
Kirktacular6
SSSSSssssnap! yeah sorry, i'll see myself out.
JonMing
Jormungandr
PixelSticks0
Imagine if that thing was still alive today.
HarryDresdenIsMySpiritAnimal
Have you not seen Anaconda? ?
TheSwedishMoose
https://youtu.be/75aGG27dGUA
IAmStanleyHudson
And if it was fast.
Warmblood
What would it eat, elephants?
TheWorstComment
Can't because we wouldn't be alive
doverhavens
No thank you
DawnofAzazel
There are reticulated pythons in Indonesia that reportedly grow to that length or longer although they lack the girth of this snake.
MattyBeFiya
bologna
cerastes
30 feet or so is the longest rumored but 25 is confirmed. I wish my 9 foot female would grow to 40 feet though.
DawnofAzazel
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/3845750/ns/world_news/t/-foot-python-captured-indonesia/
cerastes
line so end up adding excess length by estimating curves. Happens frequently when measuring snakes.
cerastes
That's horse shit. It was never confirmed. The python in the picture is nowhere near 49 ft. Problem is they can't measure in a straight 1/2
Techneck
If it was, and was going extinct, would we even try to save it?
SeriousSeamstress
I betting we would be trying to protect from poachers. Think of the nice snake skin you could get out of it.
cerastes
Something would have to keep the 20 foot long crocodilians in check, so yes.
Techneck
true dat.
GoDDstopper
That's a a huge Fuck that
FirefighterExtraordinaire
OP's mom is credited with the discovery.....and she never went back
coldroses
You can't tell me that's NOT a basilisk
liranbromberg
I think I speak for all of us when I say: fucking nope
HypersonicHarpist
I thought it would be fun to design the exhibit for this. I'd have it just look like a statue but put in some animatronics 1/2
HypersonicHarpist
and then for the first few days everyone thinks it's just a statue but then have it move and freak people out 2/2
PeteStepan22
We should take Planet Earth and push it somewhere else!
Kitska
I think I'd prefer a giant-ass snake that I could easily detect an avoid. Better than stumbling over a nicely camouflaged little rattler.
ElCabron
Banana for scale?
MaximumZero
I fought one of those once, many years ago, armed with nothing but a yo-yo in my left hand and a torch in my right.
blacksheep3588
Startropics!!!
MaximumZero
Do-mi-so-fa-do-mi, still engraved into my brain right next to 1492 and 747. (Hidden next to 007-373-5963, of course.)
erickson
LeeroyTheBird
Great movie. Classic.
cleverlydisguised
found a new nickname for my penis
KidneyBeene
Snake Johnson?
whulfy
Titanobore
KillingTheJoke1
On opposite day?
crossturtle
Perhaps inch worm would be more fitting
GimlisaurusRex
"Sixty million years old"?
CavemanFromTheFuture
Maybe it's Brady MacDonald.
TheLittleBear
Aww! you should have went with "has been dead for sixty million years"
becouse
eREKTile dysfunction
Nickel9
MY TITANOBOA DON'T WANT NONE
TheRicM
UNLESS YOU GOT TONS, HUN
shakespeareanwheelies
Monster snake?
peppersherman
That's quite the tongue-twister
Snooj
Mine is called Palmdancer.
fuzzywuzzywasabear
Or tiny dancer.
Snooj
You can't just go right for the obvious joke. You have to make your audience ponder.
bsmack44
IMine is nicknamed tinyhippo. For a while ain't no one fucked with him
Escueleto
Must be tough carrying a titanoboa in your pants every day
dustySoda
Well it's been dead for 60 million years, it's lighter.
SomebodyStoleMyCarRadio
You can even call it Tit for short!
jitspoe
Or just call it short.
AmandaJade01
Might just be a little uncomfortable in your pants
WilhelmvonSchlapphand
We know you should really name it after this snake. http://srelherp.uga.edu/snakes/pics/caramo2.jpg
DarkUranium
01111001
Aww, it's so cute. (That's what she said.)
YoungSloshee
The patron deity of Australia.
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
The Serpent.
echokitten
I laughed a little harder than I should have at your comment. :-D
GiveMeBeerOrGiveMeDeath
And of all things massive and scary
BrightStarEm
I didn't mean to but I read this in an Australian accent. :)
JonSnowForKing
you mean frank, yeah he's cool, gotta keep an eye on him or he'll steal your beers though.
lulwot
Does australia even have constrictors? I thought they just had a ton of venomous cunts.
jimmyjabgames
Rainbow Snake
Infinitum
You laugh, but the Aborigines believed a giant Rainbow Serpent was a creator god http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Serpent
abske
+1 awareness
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
I laugh at that too.
KNIVESY
It's Colombian, thankyouverymuch.
TheLittleBear
The biggest snakes in the world aren't even from Australia...
Dunes8
Let me see about that...
TheLittleBear
I'll save your the trip, anaconda, from south america.
zhukoz
Nope but the top most venomous land ones are http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_dangerous_snakes#Most_venomous
JustABitCrzy
But the most poisonous are. So we got that going for us :) or against us.....
TheRealDurdan
They actually work with us, they are our friends..
turbulentlizard
Venomous...
JustABitCrzy
Oh yeah sorry my bad
cerastes
But Australia, LOL! It's original and funny, get it? Because dangerous stuff and Steve Irwin and nope nope.
TheLittleBear
It's like my brain is that tree and you re those little cookie elves...
MakingUpAUsernameIsTerrifying
But is there enough venom in its fangs to destroy a horcrux?
lawrus
*poison
TossABabyYodaToYourWitcher
*venom
Magpiebones
Boas don't have venom, only hugs.
SendMeUrDD214s
Does it have enough hugs to destroy a horcrux then?
lulwot
It has enough hugs to turn every bone in your body into a mushy pulp... what's the horcrux made of?
Magpiebones
We will never know, poor thing is extinct. :( Maybe if they are hugs of friendship and love.
HonorableChiefEsquire
And it's not about the amount of venom either...
LeeroyTheBird
Thank you
ImASexyUnicorn
That's a basilisk
AUsernameNotTaken
Bitch, that is fucking Jormungandr right there.
SomebodyStoleMyCarRadio
Damn it, you beat me to it lol
mordaedil
No, this is: http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090505041042/forgottenrealms/images/d/dc/Basilisk_-_Scott_Fischer.jpg
itsimijurnotimgurr
Welp, time to brush up on my parseltongue...
GrandMasterFunk
That's interesting but how long was it and how much did it weigh?
MuffinOverlord
OMG GrandMasterFunk, you can't just ask someone how much it weighed
docsage
Goggalore
Titanoboa had a total length of around 12.8 m (42 ft) and weighed about 1,135 kg (2,500 lb; 1.1 long tons).
IAmJakeFromStateFarmAndIWearKhakis
You're a long tons
soxandthecity
Laughed out loud. Twice.
kcpupcs
i came back to upvote you
Goggalore
So you're telling me that the Chamber of Secrets is real.
RonsOfSwanson
like the snake for RE:1
asdfghjklx
I scrolled down for Harry Potter references and I was not disappointed.
HogwartsAlumnus
Can confirm
Anthraxious
Yes he told you,... like 3 times.
shakespeareanwheelies
So you're saying this is actually a basilisk?
idrivemycouch
Yes wizards are real.
zt2211
Evyreid
http://imgur.com/Y33e4MZ
ginangu
I can't read it...
Evyreid
The chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware.
HannahAbbott
:'(
hermionejeangrangerweasley
Hannah you need to use your mirror to peek around corners so you don't look into the snakes eyes... Hi Penelope!...
Horseinakitchen
I found the Hufflepuff
MyPatronusIsVernonDursley
ImASexyUnicorn
omg your username. +1
MyPatronusIsVernonDursley
Omg YOUR username! +1
WhenInDoubtC4
With that patronus, even the Dark Lord would soil his pants. Too bad Harry took that sight from us...
MyPatronusIsVernonDursley
I like to imagine him trying his hardest not to be conjured because he doesn't want anything to to with that hocus pocus rubbish
KristyJackson
Awe.. I cried when I found out he died
MyPatronusIsVernonDursley
He can still be seen, fuming from the tip of my wand
admiralawesome4213
http://t.qkme.me/65pa.jpg
RerunAway
Enemies of the heir beware.
ThatGuyWhoDownvotesFrontPageEditsAndDickbuttAndRepostStatistics
Enemies of my hair? But my coif has no natural predators!
stfupotter
You'll be next, mudblood
Frogapus
http://imgur.com/xG8RE9D
bojangles2123
You need more upvotes for this
TheSadMummy
But I'm asthmatic, does that make the air my enemy?
JayStray
Found one a dem in my corn field last week yes ah did mmhhmm
belackryse
Well it has been on tv, so of course it's real!
JasonWelcome
basiliskically...yes
Razha17
i love you
Goggalore
I love you too.
lethaldeathmittens
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
VLVanZ
ENEMIES OF THE HEIR...BEWARE