Okay, kiddies. Listen to this shit. 

See that big clunky bastard? That's a goddamn telephone. That's all there was. You'd have to stick your finger in the hole and spin it clockwise and wait for it to spin back for each and every goddamn digit in somebody's phone number. And if you dialed a 9 or a 0 it'd take a good three or four seconds for that fucker to spin back to position. 2 - clickclick - 1 - click - 9 clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick - 8 clickclickclickclickclickGODDMNPIECEOFSHITROTARYDIALTELEFUCKINGPHONE!!!

You'd actually hate people who had big numbers in their phone number. What? Your number's 222-1142? Sure, I'll call you and invite you to my party. What? Your number's 897-9079? Well, fuck you buddy. Have fun sitting home all night spankin' it to the Sears fucking catalog.
The good news was that if you were calling a local number, you only had to dial 5 digits. So if you called the phone above you'd only have to dial 67760. So there's that.

Gotta take a shit? Bring a magazine cuz there's no phone in the bathroom. Gotta drive somewhere? Better get directions before you leave the house. Gotta go grocery shopping? Better make a fucking list and bring it with you. Gotta take the dog outside so it can shit in your bushes? Well, maybe your crush called you while you were standing outside. Maybe she was gonna ask you to come over and have sex. Maybe. You'd have no idea. Oh, and if you get in a car accident, you better crash somewhere where people can see you. And you better hope that one of those people can make it to a building that has a phone in it before you die. Or you're gonna die.

Now let's say you call somebody and they're not home. You'd hear the sound of their phone ringing in the headset. You'd hear it ring... and ring... and ring... and ring... and ring... forever. "Well, I guess they're not home. Or else they're dead. I have no idea. There's no way to know. Oh well. Try again tomorrow."
And if you called somebody and they were already on the phone talking to somebody else, you'd hear a dull double-beep. *boopboop* - *boopboop* - *boopboop* - *boopboop* - forever. You'd have no way of knowing who they were talking to, or how long they'd be. And they'd have no idea that you or anyone else was trying to reach them. You'd just have to try again every few minutes and hope for the best.

Then came this pretty prick. This was the wall-mounted piece of shit rotary phone that people usually hung in the kitchen. See that cord? Yup. No walking around. Just fucking stand in the kitchen with your family walking around eating and making noise and shit while you're on the phone.

Now let's say you're a kid. Middle school, high school, whatever fucking age you start getting interested in girls, or boys, or whoever floats your fucking boat. Let's say you want to call your crush one evening and talk to her. You had to wait until no one else was using the phone. Then you had to stand in your kitchen and dial your crush's number. And if you got a busy signal, tough shit, you're not talking to your crush today. And if it just kept ringing, tough shit, you're not talking to your crush today. But... the worst... somebody answers but it's not your crush. Maybe it's her dad, and you have to be polite and introduce yourself and ask his permission to speak to his daughter. Yeah, good fuckin luck, Blowmeo. Or maybe it's her brother, and you ask to speak to his sister and he just fucking hangs up on you. Oh well.
But maybe you get lucky and someone in her family let's you speak to her. You're standing in your kitchen with your whole goddamn family milling around. She's standing in her kitchen with her whole goddamn family milling around. Sure, that's just a recipe for fucking romance, right?

So you see thing shiny fucking toys. The things that's been surgically fucking grafted to your hand. The things you can't even take a shit without. Go ahead and bitch about how annoying they are. And they are, granted. But just take a second to count your goddamn blessings. Seriously.

Oh, and if you're still reading this far - kudos. You're a good person. You're weird and you need a hobby, but you're a good person.

Goodnight.

#nostalgia