PunnyPunenstein
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the best god damn bird lawyer ever tax
mccoma
the what is a photocopier deposition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbqAMEwtOE
KevinBhall
Lawyer of birds, king of rats, salter of snails, is there anything this man can't do?
5P4C3M4N
OBJECTION!
origamivagina
If my bird needed a lawyer.... it would be this guy
mikeatike
Attorney: All of your responses must be oral. What school did you go to? Witness: Oral
SatoriEnlightenment
No lie. I told a classmate to fill in every bubble to get higher scores on tests. He. Filled. In. Every. Single. Bubble.
mikeatike
Your classmate probably went to oral school.
apt311
FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: RE: FWD: FWD: HILARIOUS COURTROOM RESPONSES!!! LOL!!!! Nan says "HI!!" It was good seeing you the o
superbest
Do they take videos of court cases now for the records?
clownqueefs69
re FW FW FW FW FW FW FW
AuntsInMyEyesJohnson
KANGAROO COUNT!!! Yup, it’s a kangaroo court.
espressoandpostrock
TouchMeInTheMoonlightAnus
I think this was the first email I ever got from my Father, and we got our first computer in 1997.
Pangs
An example of something you forgot is asking for answers like "where my keys were" "my ATM pin" "my wife's name" "what year it is" etc
Ryanator50
yeah but they couldn't remember because their memory is so bad
thecreep1ngbam
Re: Re: Re: TOTALLY FUNNY AND REAL QUOTES FROM COURTROOMS LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!
rusrsdude
Just enjoy it.. or go outside and play.
mrshine86
As an actual Court Reporter, can confirm many of these are the sorts of responses sat through. Fortunately here in NZ we don't actually 1/2
mrshine86
type from inside the courtroom and are in an office elsewhere in the building/country, and can giggle freely. 2/2
itsybitsyspider
I'm a court reporter. I don't keep a straight face at all. But everyone forgets I'm there
doucheCat
Curiously - "No, I just lie there." - might well be the reason I have no 'de facto' Sexual Activity...
Ryanator50
that's like a man admitting he has a one inch penis, you know that?
painstream
I think I still have the original Re:RE:Fwd: copy of this in my email from the early 2000s. :P
buttswor
Shit, when you used to have to dial a phone number to get online these were still reposts.
WellThatsOriginal
Holy fucking lol. I need to go to court for the entertainment.
Ryanator50
try watching Judge Judy
WellThatsOriginal
She pisses me off...lol
itsybitsyspider
Trust me, it's not this exciting.
SalmonTheWise
Just run up to nearest person and bite them. Don't let go until you are in a courtroom.
SamuellSokol12
Roehcai
Wow I read some of these on my 33Mhz 486 Windows 3.11.
Pexall
More
PunnyPunenstein
ok give me a few minutes
Pexall
You are the real mvp
[deleted]
[deleted]
Pexall
Thanks dad
CapitalNick
These were passed around in the early 80s. On carbon paper.
BreadyStinellis
Yeah. These aren't real. These jokes are older than humanity.
SIRTOXIC13
Was the carbon altered?
andreik
I reckon everyone should have shredded those particular sheets of paper.
viking272
FW: Re: Fw: Re: Re: Re: Classic lawyer jokes ... circa 1985
jsktrogdor
How the flying fuck has this not been posted yet? Actual transcript acted out by Rick & Morty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTWdP5DMdsM
xThariusx
"Take off the cuffs!"
jsktrogdor
Oh, uh, btw, it's just *a little* NSFW.
Studsbollen
There’s a Swedish pod about murders, where they have recordings from the courtrooms. In one episode, as the accused talks about cutting 1/2
CrazyCinderella
.
JabberMoxie
Is pod slang for podcast? Are we doing that now? Because I didn't get a memo & I spent 5 minutes wondering if I should google Swedish pods.
benknows89
Studsbollen
Haha. Sorry. Yeah. It’s short for podcast! Sorry!
youcanpooptoo
Are you sure you're Swedish and not Canadian? Two "sorry's" in one sentence.. sounds like a Canadian.
ZanarkandAbes
The forbidden fruit
SureGoAheadAsshole
Podbidden fruit, thëy say..
HommeDeFeu
Oh great now I have to Google sweedish pods and see what comes up
Roehcai
https://www.newsinlevels.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/89_800px-Coco_taxis.jpg
JabberMoxie
Damn. That's some Swedish looking shit right there.
Nobodyhomezzz
You don't google them, you eat them.
DongSayaDae
Like those other pods from tide
IonlycommentTroyandAbedgifs
so this is a tide ad then
Cajuba
Don't worry, It's a tide pod ad
Studsbollen
Herself to fake a c-section, you hear a loud “thump”. It’s from the court reporter passing out.
GnomeMode
Fake. A c-section......why????
MartyMcNugget
There was an offer for a free donut with every coffee bought at Dunkin Donuts for anyone who showed a C-section scar.
imightnotbelonghere
Must be a newbie court reporter. I've been a court reporter for over 20 years and I've heard way worse. You get numb to that sort of thing
Jburli24
So make a post already! :)
TwerkingLurker
I think you have been nominated to make a work stories post.
ProlapsingPrincess
You have my attention.
DongerDancer
Username checks out
imightnotbelonghere
A lot is extremely boring actually. Some sad. Some gruesome. Yes may have to do a post sometime. Worse one I guess would have to be the case
imightnotbelonghere
Where father of 2 little boys was flattened in his car by semi going too fast around curve and toppled over onto his car.
imightnotbelonghere
Just on his way to work one day. Makes you think. Felt so bad for those poor kids.
emtionallyautistic
I worked as a paralegal to see if I wanted to go to law school. I learned very quickly that lawyers are not the brightest bunch.
seanymcseanface
Also paralegal. God help me
itsybitsyspider
You worked with shitty lawyers. Some of the smartest people I know ARE lawyers and some of the kindest too.
emtionallyautistic
It was a family law practice in Tennessee that specialized in divorces. It was part of the problem
Traja01
So go to law school and be a better lawyer than they are.
emtionallyautistic
I agree but I also discovered while I enjoy law as a theory, I would not want to practice it. Poor folks have high rates of depression
Traja01
Go into public interest law? You could help those poor people. Unless you're worried about being a poor lawyer (there are a lot).
ElbowdeepinElmo
Jeez guess I need to become a lawyer then.
dohctergsx
"Gucci sweats and Reeboks." I dropped my phone because of that one. Haha!!
hereforcake
So, when the gun went off you couldn't hear it because...you were in the shower? Yes, I think we've established that she was in the shower.
PunnyPunenstein
did you just pull out a Legally Blonde reference? (slow clap)
ashIG88
Thisusernameisalreadyinusefuckyou
American psychos
prawnklng
What is the context here ?
warslinger
Killer's found not guilty
Willshade145
They both were found innocent
fathogwrestler
No, they were found 'not guilty'. Not even close to the same thing.
LadyArwen
And were both very much guilty.
GirlWithTheDragonSticker
Watch the news every once and a while
SatoriEnlightenment
Easy now. Why not just Help a brother out? Even I forgot their names.
prawnklng
Sorry , I’m not ‘murican
GirlWithTheDragonSticker
Sorry, ‘meither
iLikeHockey
In*
MeowMooKittyCow
No
Wish2be
Lol the norm for 20 smthng americans is netflix not tv, you asshat
glassweaver
Well, at least you're smart enough to be able to answer basic questions. Actually, sorry, I take that back.
doucheCat
Is that the smile of someone that's "getting away with it"?
MattDude
George Zimmerman? yep.
SatoriEnlightenment
And who is the lady?
Theodrian
Casey Anthony iirc, also Florida.
SatoriEnlightenment
Thanks.
ZombieDreamcatcher
Case Anthony, if I'm not mistaken
Imightbethedroidyourelookingfor
You are correct. Definitely got away with it.
SatoriEnlightenment
Thank you.
JupitersWitch
The courts had to due to all the media circus and race baiting. He was attacked by the kid. Unarmed or not, doesn't matter.
chillin223
*the kid he was stalking and told by cops to NOT FOLLOW...
SatoriEnlightenment
“Stand Your Ground” Law.
homoerection
Um, no.
Theodrian
Yes. He tried to get into his truck.
JupitersWitch
Um, yes. That is how it works. Even if Zimmerman was following the kid, the law says he should have called the police instead of attacking.
homoerection
Zimmerman is the biggest piece of shit.
homoerection
All the downvotes won’t change that this man murdered a kid just because he wanted to.
blacknsilver86
He thought he was hot shit & killed a kid that was kicking his ass(but I agree still murder). She murdered her toddler so she could party.
vegeta420gokublazerbieber
Unjustly killed a kid in self defense. It sucks but its one of those unfortunate things. Not premeditated murder of your own child
homoerection
He started a fight and was getting his ass whooped by a teenager. Then had to be a big man and gun him down. Pathetic.
vegeta420gokublazerbieber
Agreed. He profiled a drug dealer, bit off more than he could chew, and had to kill the kid. It wasn't right. But uhh..you do know who Case
homoerection
But yes, she is also a waste of space.
RADwasagreatmovie
You see Casey Anthony there, right?
homoerection
Yes. And?
SpenderOfTender
And you're a fucking retard
RADwasagreatmovie
She is a much bigger piece of shit the Zimmerman
hellangel28
the last one is a classic <3
ps238principal
When I see ones like that, I often think that most lawyers would've cut off the witness with "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!" after hearing "Yes."
DukeDarkwood
I will never get tired of it.
Durtschi
All of them are. I remember reading them in High School.
chickeninthebushbush
Can we please verify somewhere that this one is real?
letsplayagame
it is
cvnk
The doc didn't even answer the question. Clearly "before starting the autopsy” means "before removing the brain".
IceWeaselX
Not necessarily. The skull may have been destroyed before the corpse was found, but an autopsy could still be done to confirm the COD.
Outlawnightmare
There have been car crashes (and other high speed impacts) where the brain is literally launched out of the skull on impact.
katwa
Doesn't matter, still funny as a joke.
theslatcher
Seems like it's from "Disorder in the American Courts" which says all the quotes in the book are real, but idk if you can source it.
hanaavim
They probably are real. I did Mock Trial in high school and as a lawyer sometimes you ask weird questions under pressure. That was just mock
Techtronic
I've seen stupid people irl. Pretty sure that one is plausible at least.
DukeDarkwood
We need a new corollary to Poe's Law, stating that it is impossible to make a quote sound so preposterous that nobody would ever have said
DukeDarkwood
it in earnest. That being said, I think all of these are, at least, plausible enough. Unlikely, perhaps, but in the entire history of court
DukeDarkwood
trials, some statistically unlikely things have to have happened from time to time.
Rapiecage
why ruin it?
ItJustD0esntMatter
I’m a court reporter and I would guess they’re real or at least pretty close to real.
ItJustD0esntMatter
There are a lot of dumb people/nervous people/sarcastic people/snarky people that lead to hilarious conversations like these.
SideEffectsOfJuice
Okay so dumb, nervous, sarcastic, snarky people I get... but the lawyers being retarded is kinda of disheartening :D
chickeninthebushbush
Do you have nice quotes from your reports?
Imnotapotatoe
I too would like to I know
ishouldnothavesaidthat
.
ItJustD0esntMatter
I do have some really good ones. I’ll start collecting them and make a post one day :)
hellangel28
i'd love that!
TheGame21x
It's been pointed out that, as silly as these all are, a lot of these questions are asked for the record.
YogSoth0th
A lot but some can't be anything more than pure stupidity.
WalkItOutLikeTheFlash
Yup.
TheAuthentic
And boy what a record it is
SatisfyiglyCringy
Yea, a lot of these are asked as a rope to hold onto. Miss the slightest detail and youre in trouble
SatoriEnlightenment
A rope to hold on to?
SatisfyiglyCringy
Idk I make up my own little sayings in my head. I'm odd that way
SatoriEnlightenment
Kinda makes sense. But was wondering what the etymology was.
itsybitsyspider
This. The court of appeals goes through EVERYTHING with the FINEST tooth comb. If you miss the SLIGHTEST of details, you're fucked.
QuamvisSintSubAqua
Marvellous, even the comment section is a complete repost!
TsubakiTragic
I disagree. The above questions were asked because the lawyer was a dick; inescapable.
origamivagina
Lawyer! You all need an excuse for every f**k up. (HINT: prep your clients, babycakes)
MathGoat
Saul Goodman?
thecrazyanimals123
You can't as a prosecuting/defending lawyer just prep witnesses....
Captainplanetmotherfucker
I know, but, you know, ask a stupid question...
[deleted]
[deleted]
TylersSenseOfEnnui
"These're". What a bizarre contraction. I've never heard it before.
jn2guru
Police have entrapment rules. Lawyers should too.
[deleted]
[deleted]
TheDarkNerd
Huh?
whoputthebop
I mean, a lot to all of them are clearly made up. Why is a witness asking for a new lawyer? Why do they have one?
[deleted]
[deleted]
whoputthebop
Having not read many court transcripts, and given that I don't think these are literal transcriptions of anything, I doubt were one to write
[deleted]
[deleted]
whoputthebop
and post it on the internet they would be described as "witness"
bringbakfirefly
I say as a juror. They don't leave things to the imagination.
williamross7
Nobody Buys Records Anymore.
Phroschi
that's not true
Reezimus
You want the person on the stand to say it out loud. Could be a formality or the lawyer is setting up a trap once you "confirmed" a fact.
cosonfused
You just activated my trapcard!
SierreAnton
Laying a foundation is the term. If you don’t get the witness to say every relevant detail out loud the other party can contest the evidence
GirlWithTheDragonSticker
Yep, it’s confirmed. He was dead. And the jar. And the brain. Dead
DrSpatula
So you're saying the desk was alive?
GirlWithTheDragonSticker
Medically induced coma. It was lucky
AtsaMattaForYou
CUNTDESTROY3R