How Not To Rule The World (Pt 2 of How Not to Roleplay)

Ok boys and girls, it's time for part two. This time, it's for those poor bastards that want to rule the world. Or at least have complete control over an imaginary one. So step up GMs, DMs, or whatever you want to be called. Players... go find some cookies or something.

We're going to start by getting rid of a certain common idea. Where this idea came from? Hell if I know. But I'm going to blame video games. And sports. And granny smith apples. The problem in question is "Player vs GM".

Is it your sole mission in life to see your players suffer? To watch their carefully crafted masterpieces melt in fantastically ironic ways? Well get in line, because the rest of us got here first and this is like a wet dream. BUT if you actually follow through and do this shit? Turn in your dice, because you don't deserve that spot at the table.

You're there to create the world and control every single NPC in it. Isn't that enough power for your over inflated ego? You should be crafting a story for your players. Leading them (or more often than not cleaning up after them) in their epic adventures. Reward them. Punish them appropriately. But for the love of Grumsh, stop trying to make them hate the fucking game just to get your jollies.

Now don't get me wrong, some players out there are masochists in both the real world and the fantasy one. If they want you to turn their dwarf inside out with an army of orcs, go for it you lucky bastard. Just remember the same rule as in real life - if they didn't ask for it first, you're screwed more than they are.

Now that your players have lived to see part two of whatever twisted world you've come up with, we can move on to this part two. "The Rule of Cool". And no, this isn't some dumbass slogan from the 90s. Well, maybe it is. Whatever, I'm still using it.

In short, this rule says that if nobody knows what the hell you're supposed to do in a situation, go with whatever you would see in an action movie. Don't remember how much damage a frying pan does when that ex-virgin's mother throws it at your head? Make it up! But you know that shit's gonna hurt like hell, so ramp up that damage' Give it a fuckin 4x crit.

Ok, so now your game is over. The couch is stained with cheeto dust, the players are passed out or at home, and you have one hell of a cool story. It's home work time! Yes I said homework. Now get off your ass and open that rulebook. Figure out what kind of damage that frying pan SHOULD have. Use that from now on. But don't you DARE retcon that last session or your players will castrate you for taking away their epic story.

Some of you first time GMs have got it into your heads that you want to create a setting for you first campaign. A city, a country, or just say "fuck it" and make a whole world. Well I applaud your hubris; while simultaneously laughing. Because we've all been there and tried it. It's fuckin' hard.

If it's your first or even second game, you already have enough to worry about. Remembering the rules of the game, keeping your players in line, or just keeping track of which accent goes with which streetside drunk. Get a premade campaign or adventure. Seriously. Someone with years more experience and a team of testers put this together so you can focus on killing your players.

Now once you've got this "leader" thing down? Go for it! Making your own world is hella fun and WAY worth it. But you have to know what the hell you're doing first!

You see this winged bitch? This 2 foot nothing monstrosity is known as the Player Killer of the Runelords campaign in Pathfinder. She kills entire parties without being touched. People hate her. And my players killed her in a single fucking blow.

This is where some GMs throw in the towel. They rage quit, retcon the monsters stronger, or pull out some obscure rule to save their beastie. STOP IT! Grow a pair, accept the loss, and move on. Your players just accomplished something epic, either through some amazing feat, or exploiting a weakness you didn't think of. They beat you. You should be rewarding them. Not punishing them for actually using their brains.

If it's moving the game too fast or screwing over your plot line? Learn from it. Look up some guides on why "bigger monster is bad". This is where you grow as a Game Master, so trade in some of that ego for experience points and grow already.

Now get your ass out there! Find a system you like (I don't care what, just pick something). Find some friends or just random people who still think magic wands are cool. Then become the best damn Game Master you can be! Because Gygax knows there aren't enough of us out there.

Part 1 (Players) - http://imgur.com/gallery/WbelP
Part 2 (GMs) - http://imgur.com/gallery/dEDJ8
Part 3 (Getting Started) - http://imgur.com/gallery/ROoqG
Part 4 (Systems) - http://imgur.com/gallery/qeqdl