Staggard

18310 pts ยท April 30, 2014


I used to masturbate onto birds at a local park. Not a thing that I'm particularly proud of but I became quite good at it. I was taking zinc supplements so I was shooting massive loads and it became something of a sport to me. For anyone interested here is your best strategy. first, you need to find an isolated spot so you don't become a sex offender. I found a short kind of channel area where I saw the pigeons would congregate. Next, you arouse yourself. I was usually content with envisioning the occasional jogging lady coming over and taking a shit on my chest and that was enough to fuel the fire but if you're not as sexually charged as me just take some porn on the go. After you're good an horny, you get some bread. My pigeons preferred white bread but healthier birds might have a taste for honey wheat or maybe even multigrain. Fat, unhealthy birds are slower and easier to hit so remember that. Once you are seated on the bench and ready to do the deed, whip your Roosevelt out and scatter bread out within a few feet of you. use your judgement based on how far you know you can cum. I was a lonely and depraved soul who could hit targets the size of a thimble at distances up to 4 feet. You wait for the pigeons to begin eating and to get comfortable with your presence. At this point, you want to coo gently and talk sensually to them to gain their trust. Now you're finally ready to cum on your bird. This is a tough part because the rapid motion of masturbation is very frightening to the birds, so you have to be subtle. Once you master a technique, you simply wind it up and let it go, aiming depending on your past cumming experiences. I always came high so I would aim for the neck of the bird and catch it right in the face. It's an extremely satisfying and erotic feeling, seeing those birds reel around covered in cum and maybe even transporting it to other places in the city. Either way I haven't done it in years but every now and then I catch myself gazing wistfully at a flock of birds, cock throbbing and waiting for them to land close to me.

So Chrome doesn't support online games...

Points 7
Comments 17
Views 419

Enough is enough

Points -2
Comments 2
Views 67

When I get pulled up at work for making too many puns

Points 16
Comments 8
Views 134

MRW my little sausage dog puppy barks and scares my friends "Big, bad" Alsatian

Points 1
Comments 1
Views 308

When your homies don't want to dance so you go solo.

Points 44
Comments 9
Views 311

When a girl hits on you but you're in a committed relationship

Points 48
Comments 12
Views 110

Let's make Imgur great again

Points 16
Comments 2
Views 288

My dogs' reaction when I tell them they've "Been bad"

Points 2151
Comments 127
Views 26812

Ah well back to beer

Points 15
Comments 38
Views 98

NOW That's What I Call Edgy 2015

Points 50
Comments 11
Views 4461

Splicer? I hardly know her

Points 5793
Comments 220
Views 233852

When someone leaves because they don't hit the FP, just to be ignored on another site

Points 17
Comments 5
Views 215

The Possibility of a Popsicle Pete Post being Unpopular Perplexes me

Points -1
Comments 2
Views 13

When I realise the Clapper Lights were a bad investment

Points 14
Comments 2
Views 228

I'm too tired to think of a witty title

Points 3
Comments 7
Views 5257

So the girlfriend went to the pub leaving me with an ill baby and a 5 year old girl to do Christmas while she nurses a hangover

Points 4
Comments 8
Views 190

Where's this from?

Points 6
Comments 13
Views 619

When a post breaks 50 points with 3+ favorites

Points 0
Comments 0
Views 193

This whole site stinks of Updog

Points 0
Comments 6
Views 2083

These belong together

Points 14
Comments 6
Views 2

MRW someone tries to hold my newborn baby and I don't trust them

Points 7
Comments 1
Views 209

Useful Gif dump. Not mobile friendly

Points 108
Comments 12
Views 1508

I'm so done with your sh*t, Thomas

Points 13
Comments 4
Views 188

After being reminded of the Beanie Baby fad

Points 3
Comments 2
Views 121

Shoutout to the peeps that get annoyed about seeing images in usersub that are already on the front page

Points 12
Comments 3
Views 121

Imgur I need your help

Points 0
Comments 11
Views 791

Little sh*t

Points 55
Comments 10
Views 184

When people say you've got a drinking problem so you buy a pitcher

Points 48
Comments 7
Views 245

This machine performing science

Points 16
Comments 7
Views 790

Coming back to Imgur after being away and you've missed the popular trend

Points 22
Comments 3
Views 81

Gif Trade

Points 25
Comments 4
Views 172

Quick success story

Points 5
Comments 5
Views 4

A great stocking filler

Points 35
Comments 6
Views 158

The first and latest thing I favorited

Points 170
Comments 10
Views 5009

Saved for future use

Points 10
Comments 19
Views 513

Remember...tonight...

Points 19
Comments 7
Views 6920

When a user asks for a scale

Points -5
Comments 5
Views 50

The only way to act around the press

Points 2
Comments 3
Views 127

Remember where it all starts

Points 106
Comments 12
Views 45

So I hear Imgur doesn't like IT Crowd

Points 33
Comments 27
Views 1514

If it was a blue Yoshi he couldn't hide from my 8-bit wrath

Points 10
Comments 2
Views 1386

Marine life

Points 22
Comments 6
Views 1357

The only gif that always makes me laugh

Points 43
Comments 2
Views 2722

Broforce

Points 9
Comments 8
Views 448

When I googled my username

Points 57
Comments 38
Views 2499

Sign: She's into you

Points 12
Comments 8
Views 1501

Saw this on a FP post and wanted the dance

Points 9
Comments 1
Views 129

This will be relevant... One day *Sigh*

Points 34
Comments 5
Views 175

"I need to borrow your laptop for a bit"

Points 19
Comments 5
Views 763

Boys night = Party night

Points 34
Comments 5
Views 1624

Our towns "Overheard in ___" cover photo

Points -1
Comments 1
Views 56

Getting a beer from an inadequate fridge

Points 24
Comments 2
Views 200

When an outsider joins in on the Barack OBanter

Points -2
Comments 5
Views 83

Do you hear the funny sound Imgur?

Points 16
Comments 13
Views 54700

Has it always done this?

Points 4
Comments 3
Views 567
Next page