crames - rimgo

crames

1317 pts · January 9, 2010

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[opening music] [wind] [clop clop clop] ARTHUR: Whoa there! [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through-- SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts? ARTHUR: We found them. SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all. They could be carried. SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! SOLDIER #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah. SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? SOLDIER #2: Well, why not? [thud] [clang] CART MASTER: Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [cough cough...] [clang] [...cough cough] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! Nine pence. [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out... [rewr!] ...your dead! [rewr!] [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one. CART MASTER: Nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! CART MASTER: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! CART MASTER: He isn't? CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill. DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. CART MASTER: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. CART MASTER: I can't take him. DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Well, do us a favor. CART MASTER: I can't. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. CART MASTER: No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when's your next round? CART MASTER: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. CART MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER: Right. All right. [howl] [clop clop clop] Who's that, then? CART MASTER: I dunno. Must be a king. CUSTOMER: Why? CART MASTER: He hasn't got shit all over him. [thud] [King Arthur music] [thud thud thud] [King Arthur music stops] ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. ARTHUR: I-- what? DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old. ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'. ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'. DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I am King! DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the-- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN: King of the who? ARTHUR: The Britons. WOMAN: Who are the Britons? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king. WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-- ARTHUR: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? WOMAN: No one lives there. ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? WOMAN: We don't have a lord. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,... ARTHUR: Yes. DENNIS: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting... ARTHUR: Yes, I see. DENNIS: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,... ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh. ARTHUR: I am your king! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! ARTHUR: Shut up, will you? Shut up! DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed! ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you? [King Arthur music] [music stops] BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh! [King Arthur music] [music stops] BLACK KNIGHT: Aaagh! GREEN KNIGHT: Ooh! [King Arthur music] [music stops] [stab] BLACK KNIGHT: Aagh! GREEN KNIGHT: Oh! [King Arthur music] Ooh! Uuh. [music stops] BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh! [clang] BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT: Agh!, oh!, etc. GREEN KNIGHT: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! [woosh] [BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT] [thud] [scrape] BLACK KNIGHT: Umm! [clop clop clop] ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. [pause] I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. ARTHUR: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside! BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. ARTHUR: So be it! ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. ARTHUR: Well, what's that, then? BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. ARTHUR: You liar! BLACK KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy! [clang] Huyah! [clang] Hiyaah! [clang] Aaaaaaaah! [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer-- BLACK KNIGHT: Hah! [kick] Come on, then. ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! [kick] ARTHUR: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. BLACK KNIGHT: Yes, I have. ARTHUR: Look! BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. [kick] ARTHUR: Look, stop that. BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! [kick] Chickennn! ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right! [whop] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off] BLACK KNIGHT: Right. I'll do you for that! ARTHUR: You'll what? BLACK KNIGHT: Come here! ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! ARTHUR: You're a looney. BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then. [whop] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off] BLACK KNIGHT: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw. ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [bonk] Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem. [bonk] Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem. CROWD: A witch! A witch! [bonk] A witch! A witch! MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine... CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her? CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her! BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch? VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah! BEDEVERE: Bring her forward. WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. BEDEVERE: Uh, but you are dressed as one. WITCH: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't... WITCH: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. BEDEVERE: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE: The nose? VILLAGER #1: And the hat, but she is a witch! VILLAGER #2: Yeah! CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah! BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this? VILLAGER #1: No! VILLAGER #2 and 3: No. No. VILLAGER #2: No. VILLAGER #1: No. VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No. VILLAGER #1: Yes. VILLAGER #2: Yes. VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit. VILLAGER #3: A bit. VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit. VILLAGER #3: A bit. VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. RANDOM: [cough] BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch? VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE: A newt? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! VILLAGER #1: Burn! CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!... BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. VILLAGER #1: Are there? VILLAGER #2: Ah? VILLAGER #1: What are they? CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!... VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt? BEDEVERE: Tell me. What do you do with witches? VILLAGER #2: Burn! VILLAGER #1: Burn! CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!... BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches? VILLAGER #1: More witches! VILLAGER #3: Shh! VILLAGER #2: Wood! BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn? [pause] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood? BEDEVERE: Good! Heh heh. CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh. BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. BEDEVERE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah. RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1: No. No. VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond! BEDEVERE: What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small rocks! VILLAGER #1: Cider! VILLAGER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy! VILLAGER #1: Cherries! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Uh, churches! Churches! VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead! ARTHUR: A duck! CROWD: Oooh. BEDEVERE: Exactly. So, logically... VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood. BEDEVERE: And therefore? VILLAGER #2: A witch! VILLAGER #1: A witch! CROWD: A witch! A witch!... VILLAGER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck. [quack quack quack] BEDEVERE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales. CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh... BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports! [whop] [clunk] [creak] CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! WITCH: It's a fair cop. VILLAGER #3: Burn her! CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!... BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEVERE: My liege! ARTHUR: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table? BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored. ARTHUR: What is your name? BEDEVERE: 'Bedevere', my liege. ARTHUR: Then I dub you 'Sir Bedemere, Knight of the Round Table'. Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: The Knights of the Round Table. [clop clop clop] SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped. ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir. SIR LANCELOT: Look, my liege! [trumpets] ARTHUR: Camelot! SIR GALAHAD: Camelot! LANCELOT: Camelot! PATSY: It's only a model. ARTHUR: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot! [in medieval hall] KNIGHTS: [singing] We're Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. [dancing] We're Knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, But many times we're given rhymes That are quite unsingable. We're opera mad in Camelot. We sing from the diaphragm a lot. [in dungeon] PRISONER: [clap clap clap clap] [in medieval hall] KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing] In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable. It's a busy life in Camelot. MAN: I have to push the pram a lot. [outdoors] ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. KNIGHTS: Right. Right.

My reaction when I lose

Hollywood

N1004E

Derpy face

Oakland Raider seats

Nice and Green California

Well there's no way that could be confusing...

The Aircraft I Flew

A typical cheat sheet for one of my flights

Just a pup

Coyotes on the runway at KTRK

When the local beer comes out to the home ballpark...

Winnie!

It's time to invest in The HRC School For Kids That Can't Read Good And Want To Do Other Things Good Too

The huge strike zone of John Tumpane

Just out here workin' the ramp

Always good to read the Amazon reviews before buying

Just a day at the park!

Northern California is a beautiful place

Joey Votto wearing the traditional Canadian garb.

This is winnie

Keeping tabs on your favorite team while you watch the local team

The City by the Bay

lol

Old School Cool: The Mercury command center

My capturing of the sunset in SF tonight

Planes are awesome

I must go, my people need me.

Marshawn Lynch: "I'm done y'all trippin man"

I visited NY when they got 20+" of snow one year. Here's a preview of what the city might look like tomorrow

KSQL Intro to Bay Area airspace flight

She's starting to learn that not all car rides end at the v-e-t

First try at a beef wellington

Apocalyptic looking morning in the bay

MRW my human tells me Imgur is for cats now

Two beautiful WWII era P-51 Mustangs on the ramp today at CMH

A different view of Oakland

Accurate Reaction

Flying with Kevin

When pong is life.

A friend found this typo on the digital menu at a local chinese place

First time in SoCal - I'm never leaving

Fleet week about to start in San Francisco!

When SlingTV thinks MLB is an episode of Friends.

Gonna miss baseball season

Gem Lake, RMNP Colorado - Longs Peak in the distance

A's might not have a chance, but I'm still glad I went to their game last night.

AT&T Park getting ready for Opening Day

Fat Albert buzzing a different kind of tower.

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