Exercise, motherfuckers

I've added part two (Dieting) here: http://imgur.com/gallery/vVcYH/new

*UPDATE* While I mentioned that this is in no way a definitive guide, and you should be doing your own research, this seems to be getting lost in translation somewhere. THIS IS TO GET YOU STARTED ON THE RIGHT PATH. Everyone has different opinions and studies they think are the best way, and that's fine. If you have information you would like to add, then add it to the comments constructively and let people make their own informed decisions.

I've been seeing a lot of Imgurians lately wanting to start exercising, so I figured I'd give you guys a brief tutorial to help you get started and shit. You want to look like these motherfuckers in the picture? Well I wouldn't, because they don't have heads...

But I digress. Getting into shape is not just a 'goal'. It is a lifestyle. You need to be determined to change your lifestyle to reach your goals, and to continue maintaining yourself long after you achieve them.

Most people don't know where to start with exercising, and feel awful when they do start. Trust me, your body will fight you every step of the way for the first few weeks. It's an asshole, and it doesn't like what you're doing to it. That is, until you reach the magical point where your body starts releasing endorphins around 3-4 weeks of regular exercise.

Sweet, sweet dopamine.

The first 3-4 weeks is really what we're focusing on here. You won't look like Sly right away, and that's okay. It's a slow and tedious process getting into shape, but it's worth all of the hard work my niggas. You'll want to start your first month in the gym on a three-day regimen: Three days of weight lifting, along with cardio. One-hour sessions distributed over the course of the week. Let me 'splain...

You want to do a mix between weight lifting and cardio. YES. Weight lifting. Yes, Even if you have a vagina. (That's how chicks get those crazy nice booties.) No, you aren't going to turn into a beefy meat soldier....That takes a lot of dedication and years of working towards that goal. What lifting heavy weights WILL do is add muscular structure to your body, and muscle burns fat continuously. Without muscle being built, dieting will not be nearly as effective

Make sure you're doing lifts that will exercise all of the major muscle groups. In a nutshell, you have: back, chest, shoulders, arms, legs. If you're starting with a three-day routine, you'll have to combine more than one group per day. I recommend chest/triceps/calves, shoulders/biceps/back, quads/hamstrings/abs...some combination of shit like that to get you started, with 30 minutes of cardio per session

I've added some pictures of various exercises and such below so you can get an idea of where to start. It will take time, but you'll get a routine down that works best for you. Google will be your friend: research like a motherfuck.

Don't you dare skip leg day.

Don't get lazy with stretching. It will keep you from injuring yourself. Make sure you're stretching after a brief warm-up before you lift, and after your exercise session is complete.

Cardio comes in all forms, but these are my three favorite. If you're pretty heavy-set, I recommend starting with swimming or biking to make it easier on your joints. They will wear your ass out equally if you're doing it right...trust me. The goal is to do thirty minutes of cardio per session, but I know you're looking at me like I'm an asshole right now who's trying to make you go into diabetic shock, so let me clarify here: Thirty minutes just means continuous...but you decide on the intensity. Work your way towards being able to do a high-intensity thirty minute session, but in the mean time it's just more important that you're putting in the effort to get through the entire session.

Thanks for looking. Here's a gif of a cat dressed as a shark while riding a roomba and getting chased by a duck.

Note: This is just a very short beginners guide to exercise. It's in no way all-encompassing. The best thing to do is to just get out there and get started, and learn as you go. Just do your research on lifts, so you don't hurt yourself, and if you can get a friend to go with you. Motivation is a huge key to success, and having someone else to make fun of along the way will help you a lot. :)